My article that appeared in News24, May 03, 2014.
This week saw British folk in uproar as their values and culture came
under attack, not by an invading army or marauding pirates, not even by
suicide bombers or nuclear threats.
The enemy as you may already have feared, is the humble kebab!
So serious is the threat that patriotic British defenders of culture
and all things wet and gloomy have garnered over 40000 petitions on
their website http://www.britainfirst.org/boycott-subway/ . As the
website name suggests, these brave and clearly hungry for ham Soldiers
Of Sandwiches will stop at nothing to defend the honour and pride of the
humble pork. The fact that the enemy in this war, the Subway sandwich
franchise, has 200 ham-free stores in predominantly Muslim regions out
of their total 1500 stores nationwide seems worthy of a Fatwa against
Why should decent hard-working ham-loving British men, women and
children be deprived of their ham sandwich simply because the
demographic of the neighbourhood they live in prefers their meat halaal?
What is wrong with food giants who spend millions on research and
development and product marketting that they have missed completely the
barbarity of the halaal slaughtering process? Are local companies like
Woolworths and Checkers and Pick n’ Pay hoodwinked into believing that
the rigorous process all meat has to go through before being declared
halaal is actually very stringent in standards and quality? Do they not
realise the sham that is actually totally barbaric? Surely someone
should point out to them that other types of meat which doesnt include
animal slaughter (presumably the type where chicken and beef are planted
as seeds, watered and harvested in a humane manner) would serve the
consumer and their armchair-humanitarian beliefs better.
As a consumer, driving through a predominantly Muslim neighbourhood
such as Laudium, or Azaadville, or Roshnee, I should totally expect to
find stores catering to pork and ham lovers. After all, everybody knows
that business folk are a rather stupid bunch who never do basic concepts
like Feasibility Studies or Demographic Research. Thats the very reason
why the number 1 Kelvinator freezer store is in Alaska. Eskimo’s desire
a good freezer as much as your average muslim family desire a good pork
roast on a Sunday.
With all the worthy causes to be fighting and championing throughout
the world… poverty, sickness, wars and famine, do these British folk
honestly believe that driving a further 10 miles to a store that does
serve ham is so great an effort that it requires national and
international protest? Really people?
I will defend the right of any man, woman or child to enjoy his or her ham sandwich.
If the store of his choice does not serve ham for whatever reason, I wil defend his right to drive to a store which does.