Thursday, March 31, 2011

How To Fix The Blackberry "White Screen" Issue

So my buddy Georgie finally decided to check out what the hype was about Blackberry, and went out and bought a Blackberry Curve 8520. Now this is a guy who is an Apple fanatic and has been since I've known him. He is so fanatical about Apple that Steve Jobs calls him before launching a new product in South Africa just to make sure Georgie approves. The fact that Georgie once sent Steve an email calling him God and ending off with  "Give my regards to your lovely wife Blow" hasn't affected their friendship.

Needless to say, the Apple Gods found out that Georgie was betraying them by buying a Blackberry, so they did the logical thing that any techno-God would do: They cursed his new Blackberry.
Poor Georgie had endless problems with his new phone and was getting no joy from his service provider (Vodacom) nor from Blackberry themselves. After much complaining, they finally took his phone and promised they would fix it. Some weeks later they informed him that his phone was ready and fixed.
Upon collecting it he duly inserted his simcard and was greeted with "The White Screen" or as I like to call it, The Boksburg Application. Needless to say, the phone wasn't fixed.

In Blackberry's defence however, they did send him a set of earphones and a new cover for his phone.

This is the video Georgie made of how he fixed the "Compression Problem" he was experiencing on his phone. Check the Compression Tutorial out and see how he finally got rid of that annoying White Screen.

Of course as with any home repair concerning electronics, one always ends up with more parts than one initially began with. We all know those electronics manufacturers love cramming lots of useless junk into their devices.

Below is a pic of the Blackberry after Georgie "sorted it out", minus the useless parts.

So if you or any of your friends are experiencing problems with your newly acquired Blackberry's, contact my friend Georgie for a smashing good deal! 

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Please Make It End

Ok so evidently Rebecca Black is taking over the weather channels too.
Speaking of weather channels, my client called me to his office's in central Jozi today in the hope of getting me to agree to renovate the uppermost floor of his building into a penthouse. At the end of last year I declined the offer on principle. He has this beautiful solid wood floor made from original Rhodesian teak, and his new wifey who looks like she belongs on the cover of Stacked insists she wants it removed and replaced with marble.
I'm at the stage in my business where I no longer need to whore myself out and do everything and anything in the pursuit of money, even at the expense of my beliefs.
I don't think those Rhodesian Teaks gave their woody lives freely just so that years later, a peroxide blonde pornstar could come along and decide their fate at a whim.
(No, he would never stumble upon this blog because it's not a porn site and thus would never visit it)
So I politely told him that I would undertake the project on condition we find a suitable compromise that includes the wooden floors remaining. His wifey didn't seem too pleased. She soon realized though that my principles were firmer than her fake boobs.

Tomorrow I hear if he accepts my proposal.
Kaloo 1 - Botox 0.

Monday, March 28, 2011

For All You Waste-basket-ballers

I thought I was done blogging for today... then I saw this video.

I'm not sure how this kid can make money from what he does, but it surely is a skill.
Next time you manage to throw that rolled up ball of paper into the wastebasket from 5 meters away, think about this kid before you start whooping it up at the office!

Home Improvement

Part of what I do on any given day is consult for clients regarding what's possible and what's not in commercial and residential projects. Sometimes this includes complete building projects, and sometimes it just involves additions or office renovations.

Lately though, I have been called out more frequently to investigate and report on workmanship undertaken by unqualified personnel from anything involving plumbing and building to electrical and roofing.

Today's call was no different. One of the major banks who also happens to be a client, was in the process of repossessing a home in the northern suburbs of Jozi. The owner seemed to have run into financial difficulty and whilst in the middle of a renovation project, fired the contractor and hired guys off the street to complete the job. Nothing out of the ordinary there. It happens every day. The building council would have a collective heart-attack if they knew about the number of projects undertaken without certification out there.

Anyways, these guys off the street obviously had no idea what they were doing. So shoddy was there work, that they had the staff quarters sewerage outlet running into a corner of the garden. Full stop. No connection to the council sewerage mains. Nope. They simply had the sewerage pipe placed about 1 meter underground, in the corner of the garden.

As for the electrical connection to the staff quarters, they were too lazy to connect the proper cables around the pool, so they simply ran an illegal connection to the street light outside! This would have worked in ideal conditions, except that street lights only switch on at sunset, and only switch off at sunrise, which means the electricity to staff quarters only worked when the street lights were turned on. True story.

The report to the bank read like a crazy Hardy Boys novel.
No doubt with the recession biting hard into homeowners pockets, I'll be seeing a lot worse than this in the coming months.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

The Anti-Politics Post

I've noticed a trend after having gone through some of my recent posts. It seems as though Ive done a political post at least once every other week. Now I'm no politician by any stretch of the imagination, as much as I do enjoy a good debate about politics.

On Twitter ( @kaloo5 ) I post political opinion a few times each day, but most of it is sarcasm and cynicism.
One of those posts this week generated a storm of responses from my followers, and this is exactly what a parody is all about. To get people thinking and talking. I was asked the question "If you're critical of both the ANC and the DA (the two largest political parties in SA) who will you cast your vote for?"
My answer was a simple "My vote will be for the party that handles criticism best."
Thats the simple truth.

I don't buy the political speech by our leaders during election year. Not one bit.
The ANC's "Together We Can Build Better Communities" slogan for this elections is a total crock of bullshit.
As a party they're too busy infighting for positions and power to care about the needs of the people. Someone should send them a copy of the Freedom Charter. Highlight the sections about "The People Shall Govern."
As for the DA, they cocked things up with the whole Joe Seremane debacle and they're still perceived to have a hidden agenda. Yes admittedly they are doing great things in the Western Cape and certainly have made headway regarding service-delivery, but it's their stance on international affairs that concerns people, at least all those that I have spoken to.
So come these elections, I'll be basing my vote on accomplishments and not on promises.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

A Word From The Bully Himself

I have no sympathy for this kid. None whatsoever.
Richard Bale is a punk and a Poster Boy for all that is wrong with kids these days.
Remember his name; he's gonna be famous for all the wrong reasons!

The Sequel To The Bullying Video

A few days ago I posted a video about a kid being bullied at school.
Watching that video just gave me an immense thrill. To know that somewhere, someone I never knew in a place not mentioned on the video was a kid who finally had enough and stood up to the bullies. Somewhere out there was a kid who went home on that day and finally scored a point for the underdog.

I imagined that to be the end of the story and nothing more to ever come of it.
Turns out that video went viral, and now the kids famous and a hero to millions!

Check out this interview with Casey.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

In Case Of Emergency

job fails - In Case Of Fire: PILEDRIVE

I love long-weekends, especially those that include Mondays.
This past long-weekend was exceptionally awesome. It included plenty of me doing nothing, and lately that's become my favorite past-time.

I had tickets to the Top Gear show at Kyalami, but thankfully I read the reviews from folk that went on Friday and it seems like a miserable time was had by all except the VIP's. Hence I decided to spend the rainy Saturday indoors, snuggled up under a polar fleece duvet watching movies all day.
When I finally did get around to reading the Saturday review of the show, it turns out everybody and their donkey were rather miffed by all the walking they had to do just to get to and from the entrance, not to mention the mudfest that greeted them once inside.
Thanks, but no thanks.

So I'm in the market for buying a new TV, and I'm gobsmacked at the great offerings out there for the same amount of money that barely bought me a kitchen TV a few years back.
I decided to visit Dion Wired in Woodmead and the salesman were super eager to sell me the entire store. Yes he was Indian. I finally found a sexy Samsung monster TV that would look divine on my lounge wall, and we walk to the corner of the store to have a look at one on display.

Allow me to set the scene for you.
When I say the corner of the store, I literally do mean the corner of the store. If this TV was any more in the corner, it would be mounted outside. So I wedge myself between the TV and the wall to get a better view of all the possible connections into this monster from behind, and I'm so tightly squeezed in you couldn't fit an anorexic's baby toe in there with me. Somehow, don't ask me how because Physics was never my strong subject, but SOMEHOW  this salesman fits himself in there right next to me!
Now 2 things you need to know about me.
I am very claustrophobic.
I am very finicky about germs and cleanliness.
I don't use the word 'very' lightly here.

Right, so there's me wedged into a corner behind a monster TV, and there's Indian salesman squeezing himself in right next to me. I can't move along and make more space for either of us because I'm now up against the damn TV bracket, and this moron is inches away from my face explaining all the connections behind the TV, like I'm  Helen Keller about to buy a Samsung.
Next thing you know, and I kid you not, this fucking retard sneezes! Not once but twice!!
Huge disgusting snotty flu sneezes!!

Now I'm not the most polite of people at the best of times, but when I'm jammed into the corner of a store behind a massive TV up against a wall stuck between a bracket and a retard who just sneezed twice into the only breathable pocket of air, you bet your arse I'm going to lose my mind and get impolite!
So I did the only thing any logical person would do and I started hitting the back of the TV like a baby gorilla trying to get out of it's momma gorilla's cooch during birth.
This Indian salesman must have thought I was having an epileptic fit! He raced out of that tiny space and grabbed the front of the TV , all the while shouting "What? What? What?!!!" I'm still not sure why he was shouting "What?" but when I finally took my first breath of fresh clean air outside the store, he was nowhere to be seen (I held my breath from his two sneezes until I got outside).

This was on Tuesday.
Today I walked by the store and as usual I was bombarded by eager salesman, including our intrepid Indian sneeze-guru. It took him 3 seconds to recognize me, before he ran for the hills never to be seen again.

Tomorrow I shall go shopping for a fridge.
Watch this space.

Monday, March 21, 2011

A Bucket List Of Mind-Bender Movies

Ok so I asked my Twitter pals to submit their favourite mind-bender movies for this list, after having watched Inception and literally having my grey-matter disturbed.
Brilliant movie, and an amazing storyline. I know there must be a few more out there that I possibly haven't heard of, and I'll be keen to put them on this list.

Thanks to @NooHar and @mOwaja3 for their contributions.

The list will be a work in progress, so keep checking in as it gets populated.

#1       Inception
#2       Shutter Island
#3       Seven Pounds
#4       Vanilla Sky
#5       Memento
#6       American Psycho
#7       Requim For A Dream
#8       Repo Man
#9       12 Monkeys
#10     5th Element
#11     Fight Club
#12     Black Swan
#13     Tron 2011
#14     Jacobs Ladder
#15     Donnie Darko
#16     The Matrix
#17     Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
#18     The Usual Suspects
#19     A Beautiful Mind
#20     Sixth Sense
#21     Matchstick Men

I'm hoping to reach the magical 100 number with your help. Please reply to this post, or message me on Twitter @kaloo5

Sent from my Apple iPad® wireless device

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


We've lost it in the workplace, and we've lost it in the social arena too. Etiquette, that is.
People are too afraid of being honest for fear that it may come across as being unkind or rude, and then there are those who teeter over the edge of the opposite extreme by being totally obnoxious in the belief that being polite or honest simply no longer works.

One of my clients is in the finance business. More specifically, he finances high net-worth individuals for projects which banks may find too risky for their appetites. I was with him earlier this week and we were discussing some projects he had for me, when we were suddenly interrupted by a woman who seemed clearly     annoyed at not being given the attention she thought she deserved. She proceeded to rant about how important she was and how much business she brought to the establishment. In truth all she wanted was to be treated like royalty simply because she felt she spent her money like royalty.
My client listened intently for a few minutes, and then politely escorted her to his PA (at which point I thought he was going to get on his knees and proceed to lick her butt-hole). He then instructed his PA in the most polite manner thus: "Please close Ms X's account down with immediate effect. She's obviously too important for us."

Ms X stood there gob smacked. I smiled smugly and my client simply called me into his office for some more exquisite tea.
Now that's how you handle someone who thinks money trumps etiquette.

On the social scene, I'm one of those people who thinks the best revolutionary pick of the decade has got to be Twitter. I think Facebook is part of a dying trend, one that may end up sharing the same bin with MySpace.
The downside to having all this brilliant social media at our fingertips is that we're always in contact, and Blackberry's haven't helped make personal space any roomier either.
We've become a society that no longer believes in personal space or private time. We accept calls and emails after hours and on weekends while with our families and loved ones. We're at work 24/7.
I've started turning my Blackberry off randomly at night, for a few hours until sunrise. Ultimately I want to be able to turn it off at 5pm, and turn it back on at 8am the next morning. I don't want to be available like an all-night hooker. I want to take back control of "Me" time, and dictate when I'm available.

I think the next revolution will be one where we fight for our personal freedoms of a different kind. The freedom to be unavailable.The freedom to be unreachable. The freedom to have our mobile phones and Blackberry's turned off at will and not be questioned about it when we turn them back on. I took a weekend break from social media once. I turned my mobile phone off. I didn't log on to the internet all weekend. I refused to update my Facebook status or send a single Tweet.
By Monday morning, people were posting messages of condolence on my Blog and Facebook.
They assumed because they hadn't heard from me for longer than 24 hours, I must have died.

Che' Guevara fought for freedom and liberty.
I'm fighting for my sanity.

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Tipping Point

The following video was banned by YouTube, but not before some keen observers had first seen and recorded it.
Some arrogant little snot decides to pick on another schoolkid, who clearly doesn't want any part of it.
The bully taunts and punches the other kid, and you can hear his friends cheering him on.

Suddenly the other kid snaps.
It's like watching Gladiator in under 50 seconds.

Let this be a lesson to all bullies out there, be they kids, adults or even countries.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Japanese Earthquake & Tsunami Footage

One of the first natural disasters to have been filmed by the media from almost every angle across various locations as it happened.
The true power of natures immense destructive capabilities can be seen in this video.

Makes you sit up and wonder about the arrogance of some nations calling themselves Superpowers when nature can come along and wipe out entire cities in a matter of minutes.

My thoughts and prayers are with the Japanese people during these testing times.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

So You Still Think iPhone Auto-correct Rules?

Phone typos that need no introduction.
This is especially for all you iPhone lovers.

damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders

damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders
damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders
                                damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders
damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders

damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders
                                damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders
damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders
damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders
                                damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders
damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders
                                damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders
damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders
                                damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders
damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders
                                damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders
damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders
damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders
                                damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Daughters & Divas

When Princess Sabreen was born, I held her tiny body in my arms and knew that she would grow up to be a giant in personality. She had that look in her eye that told me she would have the attitude to get her through life. I couldn't have been prouder.

Almost five years later and she is every bit that strong and amazing personality I imagined she would become. So today I picked her up from school and as usual, we got to chatting about life in general and the state of the nation. Somewhere between discussing the national budget and the cricket world cup, I asked her where she would like to go for holiday over Easter. I expected the usual 'Grannys', 'the coast', 'Durban' (which are all the same really) or maybe even Cape Town (her good friend Milla lives in a beautiful castle-styled home in Noordhoek). Her answer was "Disneyland in Florida." It turns out her best friend at school is heading that way over Easter and asked Sabreen to join her.

I was 15 and couldn't get my mom to agree sending me to Knysna on holiday with friends. My daughters not yet 5 and thinks its perfectly normal to fly thousands of miles across the ocean to Disneyland with her friend for Easter!

I blame Hannah Montana and Disney Channel!

So after explaining to her where Florida is, and how far away from home she would be, and for how long she wouldn't see me if she went, she still figured it was all a small sacrifice to be on a girly holiday with her schoolfriend.
It was only when I mentioned that Florida doesn't have any ice-cream that she finally conceded.

Fatherhood 1 - Youth 0

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Who Are The Real Terrorists In America?

I first got wind of this video a week ago when a friend sent me the link and asked what I thought about it. My immediate reaction was to say that Ashton Kutcher is now punking politicians and social groups. Of course by the end of the video you soon realize that this is no prank, and the protesters vile insults to those attending a meeting regarding the homeless and social programs was very real indeed.

So real were the insults and verbal attacks in fact, that the protesters even had the backing of their local councilwoman and a Republican Congressman. These two idiots used the opportunity to rile the protesters and make personal and public attacks on a religious group that was in fact having a meeting to discuss social upliftment programs.

Now I'll be the first to admit that more wars have been fought and more lives have been lost in the name of religion, but surely when you have a group of American protesters shouting "Go back home!" to fellow Americans who happen to be of a different faith, it indicates the level of fear , racism and intolerance so prevalent in America today.

If you're going to go around the world trying to beat democracy into every nation you stumble upon, and kick Western ideology into the skull of every Eastern and Middle-Eastern culture, maybe you should consider first educating your own people on whats right and whats not. If you're going to preach to the world, preach to your own flock about tolerance, racism, civil liberties, rights and morals first. Lead by example.
Until you do this, the world will continue to regard the American people as a bunch of hillbilly morons who know absolutely nothing about the people outside their borders. I for one will continue to regard the average American as a racist retard.

Here's the original article about this despicable protest, as published in the local Orange County newspaper:
Orange County Register

To understand whats wrong with America today, look no further than this.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Apple iPad 2

I'm so tempted to buy one, but I'm just afraid by the time they've processed my Credit Card, the iPad 3 will be launched.
Where does it all end?
Maybe I should just fire up the old Commodore 64, slot in my Rally-X cartridge and chill out.
(For those of you that didn't get that, I apologize in advance.)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

On Friendship

"Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity." Kahlil Gibran

We got to discussing friendship over tea the other night, and it occurred to me that I have many, maybe too many. Some dearer to me than others. Some have fallen by the wayside over the years, and many have grown closer and more cherished with time. Through it all though, I'd still like to think that if I ever bumped into any of the people I refer to as my "friends", I could pick up conversation with them as though we had never been apart.

There are very few things which annoy me to the point of my having to write about it,but having my friendship used for selfish purposes and personal gain certainly ranks way up there on the list.

Tonight's rant is about a guy I honestly once thought highly of and respected. He met me late last year and mentioned that he was looking for a place to rent, and as fate would have it a dear friend of mine just so happened to have the perfect home for him and his family. Before you could say "I'll take it!" the ink on the lease agreement was dry and he was moving in.
A perfect example of how goodness begets goodness, and positive karma attracts positive karma.
Or so I thought.

Within a month the cracks in his character began appearing, and now we're in a situation where he has defaulted on his rental obligation to the point of receiving an eviction notice.

All relevant and irrelevant excuses aside, here's my problem with this situation:
If you know that your character is wishy-washy (I looked this up in my Thesaurus and this is the best I could come up with) and you suspect that you have more flaws than the Eiffel Tower (pun intended), why in heavens name would you bring that to the table amongst friends?
If your'e going to be an asshole about your dealings, be they business or personal, surely you can have the foresight to be said asshole in the company of strangers who you don't have to face every other day at the local Spar or Post-Office. I mean even as a teenager I knew better than to date girls from my own suburb! I knew I was going to be an ass and dump them or be dumped at some point, and since I never wanted to bump into either them, their bigger bulkier dumber brothers or their licensed-to-carry-a-firearm dad's, I knew better than to date girls within the neighbourhood.
Surely that's common sense.

Be a dickhead, but just not around me. Or anyone I care about.
Now you've come to the adults pool in your Snoopy boxers, jumped in, frolicked with us, then rudely pee'd in the pool and left. Dude, you've just screwed the fun up for everyone.

That's why I think once every so often, we should do an inventory of all the people we call friends, put all the names in a bucket, throw in some HTH, and purge all the crap that floats to the top.

Here endeth the rant.

In other news, I am seriously considering buying an iPad2.
Not because I need it, but because Steve Jobs and the good people at Apple say it will vastly improve the quality of my life. Apparently all that I am and all that I have been doing over the last 30 odd years is in fact truly worthless, because I have been doing it without an iPad2.
Turns out the Sony Playstation people who used the same marketing tactic were just setting us up for the iPad people.

I don't want my life to be worthless.