Like Sheep To The Slaughterhouse

If you have a Blackberry, iPhone or other smartphone, or belong to social media platforms like Facebook or Twitter, it would be fair to assume that at some point or other you've been asked to forward a message for a cause of some sort or another.
Sometimes it's a charity drive for a kid with cancer, or someone needing a rare blood type, or bone marrow transplant. At other time's it's to highlight the shortcomings of individuals or business's.

While the advancement of technology has made it as easy as hitting the 'resend' or 'retweet' button to further a cause, how many of us have taken the time out to think of the repercussions of that simple click?

Being active on so many social media platforms has exposed me to some of the pitfalls of this "sofa activist" society we live in.
For some reason most offenders seem to be Blackberry users utilizing the BB Messenger platform as their soap-box.
I've had URGENT requests to help in the search of a rare blood group, something I take personally because I myself am such a rare blood group (AB+). Only 6% of people on earth are AB+. The people behind these broadcast messages turned out to be hoaxsters, and the message was of course a fraud.
I've had requests asking me to forward a broadcast message to at least 10 people on my contact list in the ridiculously laughable belief that AOL or Time Warner or some other conglomerate is going to pay money for each message forwarded. Really people. This scam is as old as the Nigerian 419 scam, yet some moron's continuously fall for it.
Do you know why the Nigerian 419 scam is the most profitable scam in the world?
Because the Nigerians very early on realized that there is always one idiot out there who will fall for it, and all they need is that one idiot. Believe it or not, there are hundreds of idiots falling for this scam every single month, all over the world. The fact that it's been the most widely reported by governments worldwide has not affected it's success one iota.

Now scams aside, the real issue I have with people sitting in the comfort of their homes eating NikNaks while  on their sofa's and forwarding these messages is that nobody is taking the time to verify anything!
Here's why this is so dangerous.
Earlier today I got a Blackberry Message saying "Please forward to all your contacts."
The message was about a reknowned tyre dealer who was accused of not allowing his staff the day off for religious holidays. The tone of the message and the content basically asked all who read it to boycott the company and never have any further dealings with them. Moreover, the sender clearly asks that this message be forwarded to as many people as possible until the word got to the owners of the business.

Less than an hour later I received an update from the sender, saying that the company had responded and the accusations were now assumed to be false.

How much of collateral damage to the business, it's brand and it's image was done in that hour?
How many people who willingly and blindly forwarded that initial message feel any remorse after learning that they had just forwarded a falsehood?
An untruth once spoken gets carried by the wind and can never be taken back.
Do these armchair activists realize that they are affecting peoples livelihoods and good names by their simple click of a single message?

Surely there must be a level of responsibility we apply to what we send to others as the truth, our truth, even if that truth turns out to be a lie? Rumor's have brought down nations and Presidents. How naive must we be to assume that a rumor cannot tarnish an innocent man going about his business, or a company not guilty of the accusations levelled against it by armchair activists?

I really am annoyed by people who prescribe to this type of despicable activity. They are no better than the arsonist or thief who burns down or steals from a business.

I've broadcast a message on my Blackberry telling all my contacts that if I receive any messages from them asking me to forward an unverified statement, I shall summarily delete them.

Remove their audience and you remove their soap-box.

That's NOT Ayoba MTN!

The next call center agent to tell me my call is important to them is going to get a swift kick in the nuts!
Admittedly they would first need to answer the phone, and since the new favorite past-time of every call center is never to answer phones, I'm guessing that kick to the nuts is going to be on hold for a while.

Here's the thing that really annoys me.
You call a service provider, in my case today it was MTN, to speak to a person.
An actual living, breathing, eating, sleeping person.
And all you get is that annoying cow who keeps telling you to press digits on your phone for more options!

GGGRRRR!!!!!!!

I HATE THAT BITCH!!!

Seriously, words could not describe how much I hate her. She sounds like the same woman on every single automated call center system. I swear I've heard her voice on MTN, VODACOM and TELKOM. I'm sure she's the same cow who announces that your order is ready at Chicken Licken too.
If I ever meet her, I'm jamming a pitch-fork into her ovaries and twisting it like a spaghetti fork to make sure she never procreates.

If anyone from a call center is reading this, please could you send this message on to the rest of your vile crew and inform them that Al-Qaeda has identified all call center automated systems as being a tool of the infidel, and any company that uses the line "Your call is important to us" and promptly puts you on hold or asks you to key in digits while never getting an actual person to answer the damn call will in future be regarded as bomb-worthy.
I have this on good authority. Don't say you haven't been warned!

Seriously though, how difficult can it be?
I call with a problem. You pick up the phone. We talk. Problem solved.

Not with MTN though.
They want you to dance through hoops and listen to every menu on their system since the first cellphone was invented, and let's be honest here... nobody gives a rat's hairy arse about the items on the menu.
When was the last time you listened to an entire menu when calling your mobile service provider and went "Hey wow! They offer that service? Awesome! Let's press 7 and see what it's all about!"

We don't give a flying fanny about your 1700 additional service's MTN.
Don't tell me what's Ayoba.
Ayoba is when you answer my damn call.
Ayoba is when I get to speak to a person with a heartbeat.
Ayoba is keeping my call under 5 minutes and getting it sorted out in under that time.
What's NOT Ayoba is treating your customers as just another number.

I'm making a list of service providers who think it's OK to keep their customers on call center loops without actually getting a person to deal with their problems.
Next time any of those companies call me to tell say they haven't received my last payment, I'm telling them "Your call is important to me. Press 5 for accounts. Press 9 for more options."

Let's see how they like that.

Speaking of call center loops.... (where they simply have you holding on forever pressing random numbers for even more random menus without ever picking the damn phone up so you can speak to somebody who eats and poops and knows the difference).... I'm wiling to bet my left testicle that there's a guy in the MTN call center loop who's been holding on with his Nokia 5110 since 1997 wanting to know what an sms is.

Of Demons & Dragons

I can sit through almost any kind of movie, no matter how boring or bad. I could sit through a Nicholas Cage movie, even a silent movie. I could sit through a movie starring Celine Dion & Gary Busey. I'm one of those people who can't watch a movie and stop halfway just because it's bad. I get a sense of not having accomplished. But there's one kind of movie that I can't watch, the only kind that makes me break out in a rash, with violent spasms and random singing of Justin Bieber songs. I'm talking about the demons and dragons genre. Harry Potter, The Sorcerers Apprentice, Lionheart. Doesn't do it for me.

So tonight was movie night. Well the Indian version of movie night anyways.
See in the non-Indian version, you meet up with friends, go for supper, go to a movie, then coffee afterward, and finally you pat each other on the back and say "We gotta do this again. It was amazing!"
In the Indian version of movie night, you go to your sisters house, she cooks a meal, then you sit on her new sofa and watch a pirate DVD movie not yet released in the cinema which her husband brought home from his Pakistani friend in Fordsburg, followed by Woolies malva pudding warmed in the microwave, and finally you hug each other and say "Next week at my house ok. I'm making Biryani and we getting this new movie which is 80% good copy."

See, when you tell an Indian about Piracy, he's picturing Somalians on a boat with machine-guns, not Pakistani's with a gym bag on a street corner.

Being Easter weekend, we tossed around the idea of going to the Rand Easter Show on Sunday. Is it still called the Rand Easter Show? I'm not sure.
I remember going there almost 10 years ago to check out the latest electronics and gadgets. Honestly though, today if I want to do that I just go to one of the bazillion Chinese malls within throwing distance of anywhere. I think that's possibly the one reason why the numbers at The Rand Easter Show are steadily dropping. Also, parking and entrance at the Chinese mall is free, unlike the Rand Easter Show, and the queue for the loo doesn't go around the block into the neighboring suburb.

Did I mention that when it rains, you don't have to claw through tsunami-grade mud or die a slow miserable death from the stench of pooping cows? Maybe this is just my recollection of the Rand Easter Show. Maybe thing's have changed since then and it's become really super-awesome. Maybe it's our version of Disneyworld. I don't know. But I bet you anything the pickpockets are still doing brisk trade, and the toilets still stink.

Ok I'm done ranting now.
PS: Did you notice I started not one but two sentences with 'but' ? My English teacher would be so proud of me :)

Dear Chinese Advertisers

Seriously guys, WTF?!
Do you even look at the products you make before sending them out to market? I mean really look at the products? What in heavens name were you thinking when you designed this packaging? Was there like really nobody in that meeting that sat up and thought "Hey wait, why is there a burst geyser of blood shooting from that poor girls vajayjay?"

Here's an even more scary thought.
Some dodgy Chinese businessman looked at this and thought "Let's target it at kids, shall we?"

Here's a tip China : If you're planning on taking over the world, please outsource the marketing and advertising to someone else. Anyone else. Heck sign Sarah Palin if you have to, but please don't think you can do it yourself.

Here endeth the rant.

National Cleavage Day

National Cleavage Day.
The one day when it's totally acceptable to stare at boob's and give their owners compliments.I was listening to DJFresh on the 5FM  Fresh Drive and he was talking about how the average male lives 5 years longer if he stares at boob's on a daily basis.
I think we've found the fountain of youth ladies and gentleman. Well mostly gentleman.

So my post today is totally unrelated to all this cleavage splashed across the page.
I happened to be in the arse-end of the world this week, commonly referred to as Alberton and not to be confused with Australia. That place is so bad, if you stopped and asked anyone for directions to Alberton, they'd first laugh in your face,then call their friends over to laugh in your face, and finally they'd ask if they can have your picture so other's can also laugh in your face. Then they'd leave, without giving you directions.

My client, who always gives you his address as "Germiston" even though his business is in the heart of Alberton (obviously because he is just as embarrassed to be located in Alberton) advised me to tell my team to bring their own lunch when working on site as there are no food outlets nearby. That's how sucky Alberton is. Dead cows don't even want to end up as polony in that town.
Ok enough about Alberton.

So I was the dumb-ass that forgot to pack lunch today while visiting the site during lunch, and as appealing as it was to stand there and watch my labourers tuck in to their boiled cabbage, tripe and trotter curry with pap, I decided my stomach needed something a little more refined. Since there was no McDonalds in a 100km radius, I whipped out my new Blackberry Torch (do you see what I just did there? Awesome product placement Fareed, awesome!) and I Googled "Food Fit For Humans". An hour later I was seated at Panarottis Pizza and eagerly awaited my Alfreddo Pasta, No Ham, Extra Mushroom.
Of course they screwed up my order, but I gave them high praise for only screwing it up once.

While sitting there waiting for my "Alfreddo Pasta, No Ham, Extra Mushroom : Take Two!" to arrive, I realized that I have never done a blog post with the title "Things You Never Knew About Me". They're so popular nowadays, even the Pope is doing it. I read his list. #17 on his list was : I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Ok I'm just kidding, before I get lynched by crazy fundamentalists. It was actually #15 on the list.
I think I may have spelt 'fundamentalist' wrong.
Whats up with that word anyways?
There's absolutely nothing 'fun' about a crazy religious 'mentalist'. They don't even put the 'fun' in being 'mental'. There's crazy 'mental' people looking at these fundamentalists and going "Those guys are fucking crazy!"

Wait, I'm digressing.
Back to my list.
Yes. I need to do a list of maybe 20 things you didn't know about me. I'd do it now but my finger's are already sore because I type using only 2 fingers. Also, there's some crazy guy at my door with a pointy white hat and a burning cross. I wonder what he wants. Halloween is over, you nut job!

This pic made me throw up a little in my mouth, so I had to share it with you.
Only because I'm awesome like that.
#Winning

The Piers Morgan Files

If you follow me on Twitter ( @kaloo5 ) you will know that at least once a week I choose a celebrity or someone of any degree of fame to lampoon. This week however I made an exception and chose a total unknown, a knob of a human being who's only claim to fame is being brought to tears on national television by Amarosa on a series of The Apprentice. The person I refer to is none other than Piers Morgan, pictured above in his daily wear.

Rumour has it he was a judge on some or other talent show. I figure any talent show that has him as a judge is either taking the piss at itself, or is bent on not appreciating talent.

I did a Wikipedia search on our intrepid Dong Juan and found that he had a run-in with UK television personality Ian Hislop. Annoyed that he had been made fun of on a satirical show (wait, did someone say he was made fun of on a satirical show?) called Have I Got News For You , he duly instructed his team of henchmen at the the newspaper he worked at to dig up any dirt they could find on Ian Hislop.
Ironic than that just this week, he contacted Twitter to complain about being bullied by Rio Ferdinand from Manchester United because, as Rio quite rightly pointed out, Piers has manboobs. Rio got the topic      #PiersHasMoobs trending within minutes and Piers was taken back to a time he would rather have forgotten... a sad time for a young Piers when he was bullied in a kiddies playground; not by other kids, but by the dad's Piers was trying to hit on. This was about 3 years ago.

I know I'll move on to another victim (did I say victim?) of lampooning soon enough, but if the truth be told I always say you should be able to take it as well as you dish it out.
I have this really worn out pair of brown Aldo shoes in my closet. It's been in the closet longer than Piers Morgan has. It's time they both come out and end up on the rubbish heap.

Don't Hate Me Coz I'm Beautiful

Another one of those weird days comes to an end.

It started off pretty normal, as most days and horror movies usually do. By 11am I knew I was in for one heck of a ride.

My client calls to say the electricity in the entire building is out, but can't understand why the office phone is still working. I asked if it was a cordless phone or connected to a PABX system, and she said no, the phone line is connected directly into a telephone socket.
Right. I'm not sure why she figured her phone required electricity to work, but I sent one of my teams out anyways because it was a slow day and I could do with some new golf shoes.

My kid's school is around the corner from a McDonald's outlet, and I was about 20 minutes early picking her up so I decided I'd stop over for a quick milkshake. The dude in front of me in the queue looked like a retired rugby player. I say 'retired' coz he must have been about 40. Also he was wearing these farmer jeans with the farmers uniform shirt. Something similar to this, except they were jeans shorts.

He was singing along to "Don't Hate Me Coz I'm Beautiful".
I was tempted to point out the irony, but he grabbed his Big Mac & Diet Coke, and left before I got the chance.

By 3pm the weather had turned somewhat and I decided to come home and get myself a jersey. My cleaning lady had unpacked my winter clothes earlier in the week, so I rushed in and grabbed the first jersey I saw. Turns out every fishmoth in the country was shooting a porn movie in my jersey. It had this odd dank smell, and I'm not even sure "Dank" is a word. I got back home earlier, threw the jersey on the sofa, and four bugs fell out of my thatch ceiling, dead.
I don't mean to harp on about this jersey, but I suspect it's been to Japan and come back highly radioactive without my knowing.

I'd post a pic but my eye's are still burning and I'm still waiting for the sensation to return to my ears after wearing this damn jersey for an hour today.

Time now for a delicious supper at my sisters place.

Watch this space...

How To Fix The Blackberry "White Screen" Issue

So my buddy Georgie finally decided to check out what the hype was about Blackberry, and went out and bought a Blackberry Curve 8520. Now this is a guy who is an Apple fanatic and has been since I've known him. He is so fanatical about Apple that Steve Jobs calls him before launching a new product in South Africa just to make sure Georgie approves. The fact that Georgie once sent Steve an email calling him God and ending off with  "Give my regards to your lovely wife Blow" hasn't affected their friendship.

Needless to say, the Apple Gods found out that Georgie was betraying them by buying a Blackberry, so they did the logical thing that any techno-God would do: They cursed his new Blackberry.
Poor Georgie had endless problems with his new phone and was getting no joy from his service provider (Vodacom) nor from Blackberry themselves. After much complaining, they finally took his phone and promised they would fix it. Some weeks later they informed him that his phone was ready and fixed.
Upon collecting it he duly inserted his simcard and was greeted with "The White Screen" or as I like to call it, The Boksburg Application. Needless to say, the phone wasn't fixed.

In Blackberry's defence however, they did send him a set of earphones and a new cover for his phone.

This is the video Georgie made of how he fixed the "Compression Problem" he was experiencing on his phone. Check the Compression Tutorial out and see how he finally got rid of that annoying White Screen.

Of course as with any home repair concerning electronics, one always ends up with more parts than one initially began with. We all know those electronics manufacturers love cramming lots of useless junk into their devices.

Below is a pic of the Blackberry after Georgie "sorted it out", minus the useless parts.

So if you or any of your friends are experiencing problems with your newly acquired Blackberry's, contact my friend Georgie for a smashing good deal! 

Please Make It End

Ok so evidently Rebecca Black is taking over the weather channels too.

Speaking of weather channels, my client called me to his office's in central Jozi today in the hope of getting me to agree to renovate the uppermost floor of his building into a penthouse. At the end of last year I declined the offer on principle. He has this beautiful solid wood floor made from original Rhodesian teak, and his new wifey who looks like she belongs on the cover of Stacked insists she wants it removed and replaced with marble.
I'm at the stage in my business where I no longer need to whore myself out and do everything and anything in the pursuit of money, even at the expense of my beliefs.
I don't think those Rhodesian Teaks gave their woody lives freely just so that years later, a peroxide blonde pornstar could come along and decide their fate at a whim.
(No, he would never stumble upon this blog because it's not a porn site and thus would never visit it)

So I politely told him that I would undertake the project on condition we find a suitable compromise that includes the wooden floors remaining. His wifey didn't seem too pleased. She soon realized though that my principles were firmer than her fake boobs.

Tomorrow I hear if he accepts my proposal.
Kaloo 1 - Botox 0.

Etiquette

We've lost it in the workplace, and we've lost it in the social arena too. Etiquette, that is.
People are too afraid of being honest for fear that it may come across as being unkind or rude, and then there are those who teeter over the edge of the opposite extreme by being totally obnoxious in the belief that being polite or honest simply no longer works.

One of my clients is in the finance business. More specifically, he finances high net-worth individuals for projects which banks may find too risky for their appetites. I was with him earlier this week and we were discussing some projects he had for me, when we were suddenly interrupted by a woman who seemed clearly     annoyed at not being given the attention she thought she deserved. She proceeded to rant about how important she was and how much business she brought to the establishment. In truth all she wanted was to be treated like royalty simply because she felt she spent her money like royalty.
My client listened intently for a few minutes, and then politely escorted her to his PA (at which point I thought he was going to get on his knees and proceed to lick her butt-hole). He then instructed his PA in the most polite manner thus: "Please close Ms X's account down with immediate effect. She's obviously too important for us."

Ms X stood there gob smacked. I smiled smugly and my client simply called me into his office for some more exquisite tea.
Now that's how you handle someone who thinks money trumps etiquette.

On the social scene, I'm one of those people who thinks the best revolutionary pick of the decade has got to be Twitter. I think Facebook is part of a dying trend, one that may end up sharing the same bin with MySpace.
The downside to having all this brilliant social media at our fingertips is that we're always in contact, and Blackberry's haven't helped make personal space any roomier either.
We've become a society that no longer believes in personal space or private time. We accept calls and emails after hours and on weekends while with our families and loved ones. We're at work 24/7.
I've started turning my Blackberry off randomly at night, for a few hours until sunrise. Ultimately I want to be able to turn it off at 5pm, and turn it back on at 8am the next morning. I don't want to be available like an all-night hooker. I want to take back control of "Me" time, and dictate when I'm available.

I think the next revolution will be one where we fight for our personal freedoms of a different kind. The freedom to be unavailable.The freedom to be unreachable. The freedom to have our mobile phones and Blackberry's turned off at will and not be questioned about it when we turn them back on. I took a weekend break from social media once. I turned my mobile phone off. I didn't log on to the internet all weekend. I refused to update my Facebook status or send a single Tweet.
By Monday morning, people were posting messages of condolence on my Blog and Facebook.
They assumed because they hadn't heard from me for longer than 24 hours, I must have died.

Che' Guevara fought for freedom and liberty.
I'm fighting for my sanity.
Amaaandla!!

It's Called "Entitlement"

I don't know where it all started, but it's begun to filter down into parts of my everyday life that I'm not completely thrilled about.
I see this whole sense of "Entitlement" thing happening in our government, and among our leaders, and people I once respected as mentors and elders, and suddenly before you know it the beast is in your home, sitting next to you on your sofa and demanding control of the TV remote!
It's too late to ask me to stop ranting. You should have done so in the previous paragraph when you still had a chance. Now you're just going to have to sit there and shut the fuck up while I have my say. This is me taking back some of my own "Entitlement".

I read the story today about Leonard Chuene, that shining example of what happens when your government elects a fucktard to run an official governing body, in this case Athletics South Africa, and how quickly such an individual can bring shame to a once sterling organisation. In case your'e wondering, he's the moron who fucked up Caster Semenya's career while Julius Malema was promising her money and shoes and truckloads of empty promises. Now we may all agree that South Africa never had the opportunity to compete with major athletic nations like America, Britain, China or even Australia dare I say it, due to the vast difference in their infrastructure and resources compared to ours. What we did possess however, was the ambition to compete amongst the best in the world.
Along comes Leonard and his merry henchmen and they proceed to rape the last of the dignity left in our athletics bodies. Of course with the complete backing of that imperial Lord Of The Numbnuts, Julius Malema, Leonard naturally assumed corruption and pilfering where Olympic Sports and he was going for Gold.

Long story short, he finally got his incompetent ass kicked out, and Julius is as silent as a Queens fart at a Royal dinner.



It doesn't end there though, this sense of entitlement.
I won't go into the whole economics of a union-sanctioned strike, as that would require more blogspace than I care to dedicate to the issue. I will however say that the media will alway report on what is most sensational, and we don't always get the full story. Sometimes employers are exploiting their staff, and yet other times staff are also exploiting their positions to the detriment of the companies. Lately there's been this sense that if they the employee's don't get what they demand, no matter how unreasonable, it's time to strike. Again, a sense of "Entitlement" permeating through the workforce.

On Tuesday night of this week, my brother-in-law was hijacked while dropping his labourers off in Alexandra. Thankfully he was neither injured nor harmed, and the vehicle was recovered about 2 hours later. Whilst at the Police Station, I got into conversation with a member of the task force assigned to hijackings and he said something very interesting to me. He said that a vehicle hijacked in the township was usually found within a few days, only because the thieves are youths out on a joyride looking for any valuables they can find in the car. They're not interested in the vehicle itself, only what's inside and also only as a means to enjoy a ride around the township. Again, a sense of "Entitlement" amongst our youth, filtered down to them from our leaders above.

I worked a 55 hour week (yes I took the time out to count it) and you can well imagine how exhausted I was coming home this evening. So exhausted in fact that even though I was invited to a rather posh event this evening, one which I would ordinarily be at without a second asking, I declined to go choosing to stay home and rest my weary bones instead.
9:30pm and I'm settled in for the night when the missus wants to know what I'm going to go out and get for dinner!
Quite frankly I blame Julius Malema for allowing this sense of "Entitlement" to trickle down into our very homes. We need to put our collective tired feet down and demand an end to this madness, before our kids start having expectations of us, expectations our parents would have beaten out of us before we could even verbalize them.
We have, nay the missus has, a standing rule in our home: Kitchen Closed From Friday Night Until Monday Morning.
I guess when you're young and in love you'll agree to anything. Heck as a newlywed she could have said she wants one of my testicles to be pickled in a jar next to the bedside and I would gladly have agreed.
Guys, take it from an old hat, you need to start asserting yourself very early on, else one day you're gonna wake up with shackles on your ankles and a ball-and-chain hanging off your knob-end, wondering what happened and why is there a tattoo saying "PWNED" on your arse.

So anyways, I went out and got KFC coz let's be honest, all I can do is blog about it.
Thats how I roll.

Bloggers Anonymous

Hi. My name is Fareed and it's been 12 days since I last blogged.

Ok I'm going to sum this up as short and quick as I possibly could.

Here are the 10 things I realized since I last blogged, in no particular order.

#1 . God doesn't like me much. Why else would he send lightning to blow up my internet, DSTV and TV?
#2. God must be a woman. No male God would deny a guy his right to watch soccer on the weekend. (Refer to #1 above.)
#3. Neotel are brilliant at marketing their wireless internet.
#4. Neotel are not so brilliant at actually getting you connected to their wireless internet
#5. If you install a Lightning Protector on the plugs in your bedroom, lightning will strike every appliance in your lounge. If you move the Lightning Protector to the lounge, lightning will strike every appliance in your bedroom.
#6. If you install Lightning Protectors throughout your house, lightning will never strike within 5km of your home ever again, unless of course someone comes over to borrow your Lightning Protector... then expect that plugpoint and everything connected to it to be hit.
#7. God is not stupid. He's watching you. And he's watching where you put your Lightning Protector.
#8.  In the absence of TV, much reading and family bonding can be done.
#9. And much take-aways can be bought. Always be prepared for this eventuality by informing your mom and relatives about your "being hit by lightning" situation, so that they can invite you over for meals.
#10. Never take calls from family who want to complain about their having just been struck by lightning.

There you have it.
Next time you hear the rumbling thunder, read this post again and think of me!

The Spur Fordsburg Horror Show

Most of the posts on my blog are usually fun, crazy, fictional tales, very similar to time spent with a heroin addict who can't stop talking about his "trip".
On the odd occasion though, I do write a post which actually means something and has a very serious message to it.
Tonight's post has a very clear and distinct message.

That message is, quite simply: Spur Fordsburg, you disappoint me greatly and I shall never again eat at your establishment until you publish a full apology.
Not to me, but to your staff and waiters who you obviously have no respect for.

No, this is not a rant about shoddy service or a hair in my food.
This is a rant about management locking a staff member up in the freezer because he made a mistake of some sorts.
Yes, you did read correctly.
Spur Fordsburg locked a staff member up in the freezer because he made a mistake of some sort.

This isn't a rumour. This isn't some urban myth I read about on an open forum or a social networking site. This is something I was made aware of by my a waitress during my dinner at the restaurant tonight. I knew something was amiss when I saw ALL the staff downing aprons and walking out in a huff, except for the management. I asked the waitress what was going on, and she told me that a fellow colleague was currently locked up in the freezer, and management refused to let him out.

Now frankly I don't care what his transgression was, but there is absolutely no valid reason in this day and age to lock a human being up in the freezer of your restaurant, not for any length of time!

This isn't the 60's and 70's Spur Fordsburg!
As a regular patron, I shall hereforth boycott your establishment as a tiny token of my disgust at your management style, just like I and many others boycotted Wimpy Fordsburg after learning from a waitress that management withheld their tips and didn't pay it over to the staff.

What is it with these establishments in Fordsburg? I don't want to generalise, but if you're going to trangress the laws and disrespect your staff, you can expect to be exposed and boycotted.

Shame on you.
With your flashy cars and fancy holidays, while your staff toil through public holidays and late nights.
Shame on you for not protecting them. Shame on you for being disgusting human beings.
Shame on you Spur Fordsburg!

Wikileaks vs The American House Of Cards

Political language... is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.
George Orwell


I was watching Carte Blanche earlier this evening and they aired an interview from the BBC with Julian Assange, founder of Wikileaks who undoubtedly needs no introduction. If you're a regular visitor to the blog you will already be aware of my intense distrust and loathing of the American government and all that it signifies.

As the self-proclaimed gatekeeper of morals and diplomacy, and defender of democracies worldwide, the American government has the dubious distinction of being at the pinnacle of all that is evil and dishonest.

They had an amazing opportunity of galvanizing the entire world during the September 11 World Trade Center terrorist attacks and harvesting that immense support into something positive. They had the opportunity of converting the pain and suffering of a nation into a united force against terrorism and barbaric acts of cowardice. They would have had the unequivocal support of every nation on earth if they simply went about their response in a just and honest manner.

Instead they fucked it up and turned it into a roadshow for state-sanctioned killings and torture. They took what the terrorists had done, cloaked it in the robe of nationalism and patriotism, and went about on a killing spree of their own.
They convinced their troops and allies that they were fighting some kind of holy war in the name of democracy, ridding the world of evil.
"A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it."

When their atrocities were exposed to the world for what they truly were, suddenly people were being labelled as being unpatriotic to America.
Suddenly it was like being back in the earlier part of the century where you were marked for ridicule or death if you carried the Jewish label, or Black label, and later on even the Gay label. Being unpatriotic was another label the American people became afraid of, so afraid in fact that speaking up against injustice and blatant lies was tantamount to being labelled a traitor. Silence against the atrocities of Americas leaders seemed like a better option.

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
Martin Luther King jnr


When Wikileaks first released some of the classified documents which rocked the political world, I hoped that it would be an eye-opener for citizens of every country to realise that their governments are not always as they seem.
It should have been the very moment when those amongst us who do not care about the politics of our nations, started caring about their futures and those of their children in the years ahead Instead we've seen the American spin-doctors try to discredit Wikileaks for being a whistleblowing website with no concern for the safety of the troops fighting wars just and unjust across the border's of Lady Liberty's shores. Ironic that more people have been killed in the name of America's  war on terrorism and promotion of democracy than 100 Wikileaks or Julian Assange's ever could.

Why is it that whenever we hear the word "Terrorist" we immediately think of evil dictators and their henchmen willing to kill innocent people at all costs, but never stop to think who arms these madmen, or who trains them or who finances them?
In the court of justice, I am as guilty of murder for supplying the gun and bullets to kill someone as the killer who pulled the trigger is. The same rules obviously don't apply to America and her allies.
I wrote in a previous post about hackers worldwide turning on corporate America and supporters of her bullshit version of democracy, and unleashing their venom as a sign of protest against the censoring of Wikileaks. No sooner had I posted the piece on my blog and the news was abuzz with attacks on Mastercard, Paypal, Amazon and others.
To those hackers, I salute you.

For too long we have been led to believe that America's version of righteous and evil and good and bad was all that really mattered. Everything contrary to this fell into the category of "Unpatriotic".

To America I say "Fuck you and your partriotism."
The reason open-minded and educated people hate you is because that rancid stench which emanates from your White House is akin to a leaking sewer at your Superbowl; the truth stinks, and the truth about your deceit and heinous acts of rubber-stamped terrorism committed under your banner of progress will not go away.
The world watches while your nation decays, morally and completely in all respects.

Someone once asked me if I ever considered the fact that I may never be allowed into the United States due to all the rants I've made against America.
My response was "They can take that visa and shove it up their arses if they think I'd ever want to spend my money in that shit hole."

I've met some really great American people in my travels, and this post is in no way intended to be a generalisation, but until their leaders and politicians of that once great nation begin the journey of truth and integrity, myself and millions like me will never trust anything America stands for.



Excerpt from Three Kings, the movie
Archie Gates: What's the most important thing in life? 
Troy Barlow: Respect. 
Archie Gates: Too dependent on other people. 
Conrad Vig: What, love? 
Archie Gates: A little Disneyland, isn't it? 
Chief Elgin: God's will. 
Archie Gates: Close. 
Troy Barlow: What is it then? 
Archie Gates: Necessity. 
Troy Barlow: As in? 
Archie Gates: As in people do what is most necessary to them at any given moment

The people of the United States believe that it is necessary to accept the lies their government feeds them, because the alternative is too scary an option.

All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.”

Galileo Galilei quotes

A Generation Of Morons & Thieves

Your bellies empty
And the hungers so real
You're too proud to beg
And too dumb to steal

I guess Sting in his wisdom never had our beautiful country in mind when he wrote these lyrics.
We have a generation so dumb, all they will ever be able to do is steal! Gone are the days of bank robberies and armed hold-ups... today we have government tenders and cushy jobs in parliament. It's taken your stock-standard hoodlum and dressed him in a suit. His crime is still the same. He just undertakes it with a new level  professionalism.

I read a blog earlier today which pissed me off to no end.
Our geniuses in government have spent around R3 Billion (Yes, thats Billion with a B) on a project called Gauteng Online which was supposed to empower students in all schools across the country by installing computer centres with internet access in every school.
The tender was awarded to some unknown sleazeball who has a company website totalling 1 page. No further information is available on this guy. Somehow, the powers that be figured he was the perfect candidate to handle R3 Billion.
This was between 2002 and 2007. It's now the end of 2010.
Has anyone ever heard or seen any progress on this genius project?
I read The Article and literally had to pick my jaw up off the floor by the time I got to the end.

I guess it's not so much that some connected BEE tenderpreneur was bum-chumming a member of parliament or someone high up in government, and between them decided the taxpayer didn't really need this R3 Billion. I guess it's not even the fact that the guy has never been brought to book on the matter, 9 years after the fact.
The thing that really riles me up is when I read that SADTU (South African Democratic Teachers Union) are now asking for a biased and lenient approach to marking black matriculants papers.
Really SADTU? Thats your solution?
How does This Solution turn us into a nation of winners and achievers?
Here's the thing: I totally get that some students have been disadvantaged by the previous government. I totally get that there was a ton of catching up to do. Okay so sixteen years later and we're still blaming the past? Sure it's a stretch, but let's assume we take a big fat gulp of water and swallow that pill too.
What I would really like someone to explain to me is why the present government is taking every hard-earned penny from every taxpayer in the country, amounting to billions of Rands each year, then squandering it on instant-millionaire gifts to their friends and comrades under the guise of BEE tenders.... and when the chickens come home to roost because the standard of education in our schools is lower than the morals amongst our politicians, the first solution they can think of is to lower standards even further.
Shall we just keep turning a blind eye to the root of the problem, while lowering education standards for our learners to the point where they're "too proud to bed, and too dumb to steal"?

Remember when our freedom fighters and stalwarts in the struggle against the apartheid regime were comfortably able to enter top international universities like Harvard and Princeton?
I'd like to see our current crop of geniuses even make the janitors job credentials.

That's the very reason Private Schools in this country have become a million Rand industry.
The cost of sending my daughter to a good private school today equates to my dad's entire salary when I was younger. It's not getting any cheaper, which means parents these days have to work harder and live longer so that their kids can get into the best schools and universities.

You know what we need?
We need Pink Floyd all over again.
We need a whole new revolution, except this time we should purge the state of all the flotsam and jetsom and bring in some serious leaders with serious solutions.

I don't know who they are and I don't know what their solutions could be... but by God I hope they're out there somewhere!

The Commonwealth Games

All this hoo-haa about the Commonwealth Games being held in India turning into a potential disaster reminds me of the naysayers and prophets of doom who reared their ugly heads and voiced their even uglier opinions before South Africa hosted the Fifa World Cup.

We had news reports from Australia (no surprises there), New Zealand and the UK predicting a failure of gigantic proportions. What really pissed me off most was that the commentary on these reports were all supportive of the reporters views, and very few were supportive of the countries efforts to make the Soccer World Cup a success. More shocking though, were the number of ex-South Africans and a handful of locals who held the same negative views.

I can't help but grin when I see the same negative propaganda surrounding India's hosting of the Commonwealth Games. The same band of detractors plying their pitiful trade, in an attempt to make the sub-continent look like a sub-species.

Sure they have their problems. Most countries hosting an event of this magnitude would. The big players have had years of experience in hosting these kind of events, which reduces their chances for failure. That doesn't mean they should forever and always be the only countries awarded this honour.

If South Africa proved anything, it proved that a nation united can achieve the impossible against all odds.
We could easily have allowed the naysayers to achieve their objective and allow us to become negative.
But we didn't.
And we're all the better for it.
(And I just committed 2 huge grammatical No-No's!...
Starting a sentence with "but" and following it up with "and" )

As the BBC reporter so aptly put it, "The Commonwealth Games in India has everybody worried, except the Indians. They seem to be approaching it like a big Indian wedding.... Lots of chaos before the event, then suddenly everybody gets together and gets involved, and it turns out to be one massive party."

Here Here!!
Go on India.
Do yourself proud.
Besides, your neighbours Pakistan have already picked the winners in each category :)

Where Have The Morals Gone?

Ok this is going to be a quick rant because dinner will be served in 10 minutes.
So it's kind of a quickie. Don't say my blog doesn't offer something for everybody!

Anyways, without further ado..

For those of you who don't know, I own a project management and contracting company.
Sometimes I would have a team of contractors working on one site all at the same time; sometimes they would be my own teams, and sometimes they would be sub-contracted by me.

This was the case last week when we were working on this huge home in Bryanston.
The new owners had me do extensive renovation work to the place whilst the tenant stayed on until we were done, or the 15th of August (whichever came first).
During the course of the project I soon realised that the tenant, as sweet as she was, had a bit of a drug problem.
This hardly ever affects my work as i'm accustomed to working with all manner of societies outcasts. They're more often than not tenants in my clients buildings and properties, as was the case here.

My metalworking team left site on Friday, expecting to return on Sunday to collect their tools.
My painting team arrived on Saturday to do finishing touches.
Somewhere between Friday and Saturday, the tenant sold my metalworking teams tools to my painting team, at a rock-bottom once-in-a-lifetime never-to-be-repeated price of course!

I work with so many teams at any point in time, that they hardly ever know the others tools.

Needless to say, the tenant has already moved out being that the 15th August arrived, and is now nowhere to be found!

Where, pray do tell, have the morals gone?

To compound the problem, the painting team are willing to sell the tools back to the metalworking team at a 50% profit, seeing that they bought it at a bargain to begin with!

Again, where have the morals gone?

I'd broker the deal between them, but as these teams are sub-contracted by me and don't actually work for me, i'm guessing it would be more fun to stand by and watch this one play itself out.

Where have the morals gone?
Anyone?
Anyone?
Aah, just as I thought...

Editors Appeal To ANC Over Tribunal

An article like the one below concerns me. As mentioned in an earlier blog post, i'm really not one for politics. My personal viewpoint is that all the current political leadership are simply there to fill their own coffers and pursue their selfish gluttonous desires without any interest for the taxpayer.
I have yet to meet a politician that gives a rat's arse about the common man.
So when the ruling party wants to reign in the media for fear that all their corrupt and under-handed dealings are being exposed faster than they can sign dodgy tender deals, it bothers me. A lot!

Johannesburg - Editors of major newspapers in South Africa have launched a campaign to fight what they called attempts to curtail freedom of expression and the free flow of information.

In a declaration published in a Sunday newspaper, 36 print editors said they were "deeply concerned" about proposed new legislation and a media tribunal.

"We vigorously oppose the restrictive clauses in the Protection of Information Bill and the proposed Media Appeals Tribunal (MAT)."

In the declaration, called The Auckland Park declaration, they appealed to the government and the ruling ANC "to abide by the founding principles of our democracy and to abandon these proposed measures".

They said freedom of expression and access to information were the "lifeblood" of the South African democracy and that the media was "at the very heart of the struggle for freedom".

This comes as the ANC prepare to meet with the media on Tuesday in Sandton to discuss, amongst others, the tribunal.

According to a resolution taken at the ANC's 52nd National Congress in 2007 in Polokwane, the establishment of a Media Appeals Tribunal should be investigated.

The resolution endorsed "that such investigation be directed at examining the principle of a MAT and the associated modalities for implementation".

"Conference notes that the creation of a MAT would strengthen, complement and support the current self-regulatory institutions (Press Ombudsman/Press Council) in the public interest."

- SAPA

Give Me Freedom, Or Give Me Ice-Cream

What a week for journalists, and for the freedom of speech or any other form of freedom for that matter.

Locally we've got media freedom under attack by none other than our Police service and certain high-ranking members of parliament.
We'd all be wise to at least read if not attempt to fully understand the "Protection Of Media Information Bill" before parliament right now. A society that doesn't question is prone to be led like sheep to a slaughterhouse. Look no further than the extent or lack thereof of civilian rights in countries like Saudi Arabia,Indonesia and the UAE, and you will realise how easily democracy can be substituted with authoritarianism.
These countries are contemplating banning the use of BlackBerry mobile devices because their respective communication ministries have no control over the content of messages sent over the devices. Saudi Arabia is leading the cause having already banned their use.

The very reason I use a BlackBerry is because I was sold on it's high encryption status and security features
Ok thats partly true. Mostly I was sold on the fact that email and messages are free from the device.

We live in a country that is a shining light to democracies around the world The freedoms we enjoy and have fought so hard for are proof that the State can have trust and faith in its citizens, and the citizens will reciprocate said trust and faith.
I've been blessed to travel to many countries and have experienced the distinct lack of liberties which we enjoy and take for granted as South Africans.
Not being able to cuss at a local in Dubai for fear that you may be deported; being regarded suspiciously for engaging in critical debate of the state while travelling in Thailand; driving restrictions in Saudi Arabia; stringent bear-hunting laws for foreigners and none for locals in Russia; being chased by the military police for praising a Bhuddist monk in Tibet.
Ok the last two I made up, but you get my point.

The other day I was telling the missus that it's time we travelled and maybe stayed abroad for a while again. I've always wanted to stay in Malaysia ever since having returned from the UAE. I thought it would be an interesting extended excursion for Princess Sabreen as well. She's at that age now where exploring and meeting new people in exciting new places thrills her to bits.
Then I thought about the little things we'd have to give up as guests in another country.
Little things like "rights" and "citizenship" and a sense of belonging.
And just as quickly the idea was buried.

So now I shall take my Blackberry and possibly get into a critical debate of the state while bear-hunting in my backyard, comfortable in the knowledge that I am well within my rights as a South African in his homeland.

Dear Blogger

Jou moer.

Thanks for messing with my text size in my previous post.
Thanks for not letting me edit it.
Thanks for annoying me on a rather serene and peaceful Sunday.
I hope you and your team get genital herpes and die the death of a Baghdad crack whore.
Did I mention Jou Moer?

Here endeth the rant.