Friday, April 15, 2011

National Cleavage Day

National Cleavage Day.
The one day when it's totally acceptable to stare at boob's and give their owners compliments.I was listening to DJFresh on the 5FM  Fresh Drive and he was talking about how the average male lives 5 years longer if he stares at boob's on a daily basis.
I think we've found the fountain of youth ladies and gentleman. Well mostly gentleman.

So my post today is totally unrelated to all this cleavage splashed across the page.
I happened to be in the arse-end of the world this week, commonly referred to as Alberton and not to be confused with Australia. That place is so bad, if you stopped and asked anyone for directions to Alberton, they'd first laugh in your face,then call their friends over to laugh in your face, and finally they'd ask if they can have your picture so other's can also laugh in your face. Then they'd leave, without giving you directions.

My client, who always gives you his address as "Germiston" even though his business is in the heart of Alberton (obviously because he is just as embarrassed to be located in Alberton) advised me to tell my team to bring their own lunch when working on site as there are no food outlets nearby. That's how sucky Alberton is. Dead cows don't even want to end up as polony in that town.
Ok enough about Alberton.

So I was the dumb-ass that forgot to pack lunch today while visiting the site during lunch, and as appealing as it was to stand there and watch my labourers tuck in to their boiled cabbage, tripe and trotter curry with pap, I decided my stomach needed something a little more refined. Since there was no McDonalds in a 100km radius, I whipped out my new Blackberry Torch (do you see what I just did there? Awesome product placement Fareed, awesome!) and I Googled "Food Fit For Humans". An hour later I was seated at Panarottis Pizza and eagerly awaited my Alfreddo Pasta, No Ham, Extra Mushroom.
Of course they screwed up my order, but I gave them high praise for only screwing it up once.

While sitting there waiting for my "Alfreddo Pasta, No Ham, Extra Mushroom : Take Two!" to arrive, I realized that I have never done a blog post with the title "Things You Never Knew About Me". They're so popular nowadays, even the Pope is doing it. I read his list. #17 on his list was : I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Ok I'm just kidding, before I get lynched by crazy fundamentalists. It was actually #15 on the list.
I think I may have spelt 'fundamentalist' wrong.
Whats up with that word anyways?
There's absolutely nothing 'fun' about a crazy religious 'mentalist'. They don't even put the 'fun' in being 'mental'. There's crazy 'mental' people looking at these fundamentalists and going "Those guys are fucking crazy!"
Wait, I'm digressing.
Back to my list.
Yes. I need to do a list of maybe 20 things you didn't know about me. I'd do it now but my finger's are already sore because I type using only 2 fingers. Also, there's some crazy guy at my door with a pointy white hat and a burning cross. I wonder what he wants. Halloween is over, you nut job!

This pic made me throw up a little in my mouth, so I had to share it with you.
Only because I'm awesome like that.