Saturday, October 30, 2010

This I Why Ellen Rules

Hi, my name is Fareed and I used to watch Oprah.

So not every guy will admit to having watched the Queen Of Chat Shows, but I'm proud to say that her show has taught me a great many things I never would have otherwise known.
Like shaving against the grain causes an itchy face... or that you can tell the health of your digestive system by the shape of your poop... or that there are definite signs you could look out for when trying to spot a Serial Killer. This last fact has come in handy on a few occasions. I have certainly saved myself a potentially gruesome death by no longer visiting at least 3 of my relatives!

Ever since Ellen came onto the scene, with her fresh and funky approach to chat shows and that signature dance move of hers, I have to admit that I have been quite a fan. Besides, I can't help but look at Ellen and picture a naked Portia De Rossi. Which guy honestly doesn't think the same thing?

So I was telling a friend of mine about Ellen, and he said he prefers Oprah.
Yes ladies, it's pretty obvious that men can have such deep and profound conversations; proof that not everything in our world revolves around boobs and asses and sex.
Anyways, I was telling him about my Portia fantasy.. you know, the one where Portia does a guest appearance and makes out with Ellen on the sofa, and the audience goes crazy and I'm in the audience and the producer asks me if I'd like to join them on the sofa and...
Wait... This story has a plot and a point. What was it?

Oh yes.
Why I prefer Ellen to Oprah.
So my friend says that Oprah appeals to the mature viewer, while Ellen appeals to the younger viewer.
Possibly, but I'm young and mature (previous paragraph notwithstanding).
I guess I like the angle with which Ellen approaches the serious subjects. She adds a dash of humour and lightheartedness to it, as opposed to making it a crying festival sponsored by Kleenex.
Admittedly Oprah cries less these days than she used to before.
I don't think she's run out of tear's. I think she'll have the ability to cry for many more years to come. I remember her once saying she had water-retention issues. Maybe the two are related, I'm not certain.

Then there's that whole "My best friend Gayle" issue.
Personally I think Gayle is more than just a friend. I've seen pictures of Steadman, supposedly Oprah's husband. I've never heard the man speak or even seen him on the show. I mean if my wife ended up being the Queen of Chat Shows (and believe me she has what it takes!) and had a multi-million Dollar empire going on, I'd be traipsing about the place like Big Dick and letting everyone know who's wearing the pants. Every now and then I'll even ask the missus if I can wear the pants!
But this Steadman character is only ever seen in pictures. My theory is that years ago when Oprah just started out, she didn't want to be seen as single, so she hopped on to Google Images and found a stock image of a random decent looking guy who she figured would fit the bill as her husband. She and Gayle then said "If anybody asks, he's my husband. We'll call him Steadman because he looks like a steady kind of man."
In the meantime, back at the ranch, Oprah and Gayle were having a merry old time playing house.

Of course years later Ellen comes on the scene flaunting Portia De Rossi who is dreamilicious, and the two of them are not shy about showing their affection and announcing their love to the world. Needless to say, Oprah and Gayle are back on the ranch going "Darn it! We should have come out years ago!"

Thats my theory and I'm sticking to it.

So this video pretty much sums up why Oprah is Oprah and Ellen is Ellen.
(Thats pretty deep, even by my deep standards!)
Can you imagine Oprah pulling a prank like this on Barbara Streisand?

Ellen surprises Taylor Swift

They're probably my favourite celebrity couple, mostly because they always seem to be having so much fun together. Portia's always smiling and Ellen, well, she's always Ellen :)
As far as my Ellen/ Portia & Oprah/ Gayle theory goes, I thought I'd upload some pics of the respective partners and leave you the viewer to decide.

And then there's Gayle. Is it just me of does she look like Whitney Houston's sister?

Friday, October 29, 2010

Afternoon Drinks Anyone?

After watching this video, I couldn't decide which was worse...
The kid thinking this was a great idea to start off with when thirsty, or the parents filming it instead of stopping him?

Either way, my blog and the nation are glad the parents didn't stop him.

Enjoy :)

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Story Of Irma & Tiffany

There's these two awesomely cool and amazingly funny tweeple I follow on Twitter, and this is the story of how they met.

Irma (@irma_murray) and Tiffany (@jislaaikit) had been out partying in and amongst the same circle of friends without having known each other at the time.
Now I may get some or all of the facts wrong here, and I may even make some up as I go along, but Wikipedia calls this Poetic Licence and I sprinkle it about like rice at a Chinese wedding :) So bare with me here folks.
Anyways, sometime during this night of epic debauchery and random awesomeness, Tiffany ended up at Irma's place and was intending to get a ride home. It was just the two of them, as the song goes.
As I understand it, before they left Irma's place, Tiffany needed to use the loo.
Twenty minutes later and with no sign of Tiffany, Irma was starting to think that the chloroform air-freshener she had sprayed in the loo earlier may not have been such a great idea after all.
Tip-toeing toward the Porcelain Palace, imagine her surprise when she opened the door to find it empty and devoid of Tiffanyness!
A quick once-over of the ingredients of the Hunters Dry she held in her hand confirmed that the alcohol content was too small to induce delusion or epileptic drunkenness. She turned and headed toward the bedroom, more out of curiosity than from a belief that she would find the lost party therein. She already had Missing Persons on speed-dial, John Edwards from Crossing Over on the landline, and The Psychic Network on Google, so she knew she had all her bases covered for any eventualities.

She reached the bedroom and with timid hands, silently and slowly began turning the knob. With the door now open just wide enough to fit an un-permed head through the crack, she peeped into the bedroom and was greeted by the sleeping form of Tiffany, cuddling a pillow in the foetal position and looking like a splash of   rainbow that had broken away from a rainy sky and spread itself across her white linen sheets.
She stood there breathless and in awe. Never before had her bed looked so inviting.
She did what any rational and normal person would do given the circumstances.
She hopped into bed and snuggled up next to Tiffany :)
Today, Irma and Tiffany are happily engaged and have no idea when they were formally introduced.
(Hey, I did say I use Poetic Licence like rice at a Chinese wedding, didn't I? ;)

Ok, so you're probably wondering what the car in the pic has to do with this story, right?
Well, I have no idea.

But something tell's me that it will feature in Part Two of this Trilogy: The Running Of The @KerriBowie , followed by the final chapter, The Silence Of The @chef-lamb

Watch this space!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

American Politics

Now I know what most of you are saying right now... who care's about American Politics?
The truth is that we really should all care about what goes on in America, because whether we like it or not, from a political and an economic perspective the adage "If America sneezes, the rest of the world catches a cold" is absolutely true.
Yes I hate that this is so, but it's a simple fact.
I may deny and dispute the theory of gravity, but I cannot deny and dispute the pain when the apple falls out of the tree and lands on my head.
Denying something in theory is fine, but you cannot deny the consequences of a theory.

Moving on.
As many of you may or may not know, South African Law does not allow for comparative advertising. In layman's terms, Pepsi cannot feature Coca Cola in their ads with the intention of dissing them, nor can KFC blatantly say that MacDonald's burgers are total crap and tastes like flavoured cardboard. Even if it's true.

Not so in America.
You could go on television and say anything you like, provided you can prove it and it's not libel.

Which is exactly why I love Voting Season in America.
Everybody and their donkey who's got enough money to buy an advertising slot on TV wants to become a Senator or Congressman, and they're willing to say the dumbest things about themselves or their opponents to win votes.

Here are some of the viral ad campaigns for the upcoming elections in November, and some from the Primaries held in June.

He's in a doctor's office. He's jogging in Vermont's great outdoors. He's littering on Main Street. Oh, and look, there he is in front of the Capitol. Long-shot Vermont Senate candidate Dan Freilich's spoof on the Old Spice ad campaign is equal parts brilliance and failure. It was wise to take inspiration from the deodorant company's viral-marketing smash success, but Freilich falls woefully short on the delivery. And sophomoric editing and tacky stock photos don't exactly help matters. Sorry, Dan. Old Spice–inspired or not, we think your video stinks.

When it comes to making viral video, the old adage holds true: Good artists borrow, great artists steal. So when Christine O'Donnell's campaign decided to make a web video about how much her Democratic rival New Castle County Executive Chris Coons likes to raise taxes, they wisely cribbed straight from YouTube sensation Antoine "Hide Your Kids" Dodson. The O'Donnell video, a faux horror trailer complete with gravely narrator and ominous score, reaches its dramatic climax with the incantation, "Hide your will. Hide your lights. 'Cause he's taxing everything out there." Why are we so sure this tagline is an homage to Dodson? Honestly we can't figure out what else it could possibly mean. One thing's for sure: "The Taxman" is meta–viral video at its best.

John Hickenlooper is not a very good politician. (His words, not ours!) Why? He "can't stand negative ads." Of course, that's easy for him to say: the Colorado gubernatorial candidate ran unopposed in his Democratic primary and has a comfortable lead in the polls heading into November. Instead of slinging mud, Hickenlooper is busy making lighthearted spots like this one, in which he takes a shower every time he sees a candidate talking trash on the tube. Two things we know about the Coloradoan after seeing this ad: 1) He showers fully clothed. Perhaps this is a bit odd, but considering he's on TV, it's better than the alternative. And 2) He's a budding fashionisto! There's business John in his dapper suit and tie; preppy John in his plaid button-down and denim; casual John in an orange polo and dad jeans; summer John in a bright yellow Hawaiian shirt; and western John with this khaki cowboy hat. Go on, Mr. Hickenlooper, keep scrubbin' and struttin'.

After months of trailing Republican primary opponent Marco Rubio in the polls, Florida Governor Charlie Crist announced in April that he would run for Senate as an independent. The switch prompted Good Time Charlie to rethink more than a few of his positions, which in turn inspired the conservative American Action Network to dream up this spot, which hits Crist as a flip-flopper. "You'd better not mark Charlie Crist's policies in ink," the narrator warns as a tattoo artist needles correction after correction into some poor sap's flesh. Hey, thanks for the heads up, AAN. We were totally thinking about getting a rad tat of some Senate candidate's policy proposals before we saw this video. Crisis averted

We can't tell if Florida congressional candidate Dan Fanelli is being serious with this ad. He opens with some pretty intense racial profiling, as he points to a nerdy white guy and a stacked Arab guy, and then asks which one looks like a terrorist. Then he moves on to deluded narcissism. Grinning, Fanelli approaches the camera and says, "Let's face it. If a good-looking, ripped guy without much hair was flying airplanes into the Twin Towers, I'd have no problem being pulled out of line at the airport." Sorry, Dan. You might be as bald as Bruce Willis, but you're lacking in just about every other department.

There you have it. Just some of the Best and Worst viral political ads for 2010.
I must admit that last one had me stumped. Even I wasn't sure what the message was. At one point I was expecting that beefy Arab-looking dude to pulverize Dan into camel dung!

If you'd like to see the rest of the ads, visit Times website and check out some of their other viral videos.

The Italian Connection

Earlier today I met my clients PA.
The generalization that Italian women are hot and fiery is true.

Anyways, that's not her in the pic and the model has absolutely nothing to do with this post.
I just put her pic up as eye-candy for my male readers, and something for my female readers to aspire to.
*waits patiently for the barrage of feminist verbal lashings*
Ok. I deserved that.
< Bad boy Kaloo, bad bad boy!>
So Paola (that's her name) was telling me an amazing story about how her car got wrecked.
It's interesting that whenever I start up a conversation with a beautiful woman, we always seem to gravitate toward the topic of wreckage. I wonder what Freud would have to say about that.... hhmmm...
So last week she was sitting in her office, with her car parked right outside her office window under a carport alongside the road. Suddenly there was a loud screeching of tyres and she looked out the window just in time to see another vehicle come flying through the air and land on her car.
Let me repeat that slowly in case you missed it the first time.
Another vehicle came flying through the air and landed on her car!
Her vehicle is parked in a slight dip, and there is a sand-heap on the roadside. It seemed the other vehicle was speeding, the driver lost control, hit the sand heap and launched into the air, landing on Paola's Toyota.
The driver of the other car, a lady on an iPhone (I'll pretend to be surprised at this point) was waving her hands in the air frantically during her flight.
Personally I think she was annoyed that her on-board peanuts hadn't arrived yet.
Or maybe she was screaming at the download speed on her iPhone.
Either way, she was unharmed.
Both cars however, were written off.

This got us onto the topic of insurance claims.
(Notice how I can keep a beautiful woman engrossed with riveting conversation!)
She tells me the story of how she had the same Toyota almost written of by her insurance company a few years back.
She came home late one night after a barbecue with friends. (Yes barbecue, not braai. She's Italian. Let's show some class here.)
Anyways, it was pouring buckets the night she drove home, and as she opened her car door to get off, she didn't notice the dog jumping in. Needless to say, she shut the door and ran inside.
The next morning at breakfast her mom asked where Fluffy was.
They searched for an hour and couldn't find poor harmless Fluffy. Then she went outside and heard barking coming from the car.
It turns out Fluffy had a vicious streak which is only activated when he's locked in a car during a thunderstorm with no food or water.
He had completely ripped the interior and the upholstery from the car, including steering wheel, gear knob, speaker box and dashboard!

That's not her car in case you were wondering.
Apparently her's looked even worse!

Bollywood Beckons

This is a video of a friend of a friend doing a rendition of one of the most famous Indian songs ever recorded.
Her name's Vinita and her voice is amazing!
The song is titled Kabhi Kabhi.

This is the original video with the legendary Lata Mangeshkar doing the vocals. Thats not her in the video though.

You know the song is a huge hit when Nelly Furtado tries to do her own version of it.
Remember, the original is over 20 years old!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Beauty Is Only Mullet Deep

This post was inspired by a meeting I had with a client today. Halfway through the meeting, his driver interrupted to bring him a document which required his signature.
I was so tempted to whip out my mobile and take a picture, but I was afraid the driver would have whipped me with his ponytail/ mullet.

So without further ado, herewith the Top 10 Mullets, taken from .... wait for it... a website dedicated to the Mullet lover, called Rate My Mullet.

Bringing sexy back. Something tells me this guy has a tattoo of his mom under his navel.

If Elvis and Elizabeth Taylor had a kid, and that kid was given free access to hairspray, this is probably what the kid would look like.

Passport Photo anyone? Seriously, can you see this guy not being allowed into your country because of a dodgy passport photo Me neither.

The last member of the Harry Potter Fan Club for over 50's.

There's a funny caption just waiting to be made. I just haven't figured it out yet. Also, I haven't stopped laughing either. No coincidence.

Honestly now, which mom wouldn't be proud if her daughter came home with this strapping young man on her arm? I'll bet he even has all his teeth!

Call the FBI! We found Osama. He's hiding under a mullet. Osama Bin Mullet.

This haircut has been approved for people suffering from hearing problems.

No comment.

I'm trying to imagine Barack Obama with a mullet. Not for any other reason but to see whether it would ever catch on as a fashion statement again.
 I know there are people out there still sporting these hairstyles, and kudos to you for holding on valiantly to a dying remnant of the 80's. 
For the rest of us, some things are better left in the past.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

A Fresh Look At Education

An awesome video I just have to share with you, from my friend Wij's blog.
If you're going to see just one Youtube video this week, let it be this one!
Trust me, you won't be disappointed.

Weekend Of Mixed-Metaphors

My friend Sabeen from Dubai flew back home yesterday after spending a few days with us. She's always such easy company, almost like having a sibling come over for a bit. She's like one of those rare people your'e so comfortable with, you could both be in the same room for hours without that burning need to make forced conversation. Ironically, when she and I get together there's hardly ever a moment of silence.

After seeing her off at the airport we proceeded to The Benoni Cousins. Some day I shall dedicate an entire blog post to them.
Always great fun, even the eldest who's a few months older than I am and loves playing grandfather.
Sabreen has an absolute blast with her cousins and it's very seldom that we visit and don't end up spending hours in their company.

Enter "Uncle Fester."
There's always that one weird uncle at family functions, isn't there.
Either they dress funny, or they smell funny, or they're gay as jailbirds.
In this case he's the uncle that brags about how many wive's he's had, swears a lot even if he's telling you about somebody's funeral, and wears horrible brown leather sandals that match his scurvy long-nailed feet perfectly.

When I grow older I want to be that uncle that the kids look forward to having over.
Not for any other reason but because they look forward to my company.
I once had to endure an afternoon with a relative who insisted on telling me the intricate details of his hemorrhoid operation. True story.
I was meant to go for soccer practice and was in the process of locking up at home, since I was the only one on a Sunday that hadn't left early. The doorbell rang and I thought it was the gardener. Turns out it was an uncle of mine I always tried to avoid.
Before I could tell him that nobody was home, he waddled in and asked for tea.
I made him the most miserable cup of tea thinking this would have him leave early. Fifteen minutes later and with me pandering to his every moronic need bar baking him a cake, he finally tells me that he needs to catch his breath before he leaves because he just had an operation the week before and he tires quickly.
Twenty years later and I still regret the one single dumbest question I ever asked anybody: What operation?
This led to an hour long detailed snip-by-snip account of his piles, the period before their arrival, their arrival, his bonding session with them,the tear-jerking Indian-movie song-and-dance goodbye when he realized they had to leave, and finally the separation
At some point I thought he was going to ask me if I'd like to see the scar.

Imagine that!
Him dropping his pants to show me his wrinkled stinky brownstar and somebody walked in on us!!
Good Lord I don't know where I would put my face!
Needless to say I missed soccer practice that day.

So if I ever end up like that kind of Uncle, please won't you call the SPCA on my behalf and have me put down, as a service to society!

The Chronicles Of Sabreen 2

So Sabreen asked me the other day when I was putting more pics of her on my laptop.
That's her version of asking when am I uploading pics of her onto my blog.
I promised I would do this more often, and since I'm too lazy to check which of th following I've already uploaded before, I simply decided to do my latest favourite pic list.
Note that all of these were taken with my Blackberry, which is reknowned for having crap photo-quality.

This will hold the Number 1 slot for a very long time.
I love the lighting and that look in her eyes.

This pic was taken at Sun City about a month back.
She'd just climbed out of the pool and wrapped herself up in the towel.

Sun City again, just before we hit the pools.

My funky Superga sneakers.

I took this pic over a year ago in Sandton at the Nelson Mandela Square.

Epic day of pouting. I picked her up late from school and she was not impressed. I had to buy  her a milkshake and ice-cream before her pout turned to a frown. It would be another hour or two before she smiled at me again.

This pic was taken over two years ago. I think she's aged 2 in this pic.

Sabreen, aged 2, dreaming of me of course :)

This is the face we wake up to each morning.
She has more expressions than I have shoes... and that's a lot of expressions!

Taken on the same day as the first pic; again I love that look in her eyes and the lighting.

RoadTrip Haarties

My best friend Sabeen from Dubai came to visit for a few days this week.
Don't confuse the names with my daughter Sabreen.
Common mistake. So common in fact, the missus and I sometimes make it ourselves.

I love this pic!
Sabeen, the missus and Sabreen.
That hectic wind as they stand on the bridge crossing the Haarties dam gives this pic and wildly awesome look.

Stop looking at my 6-pack!
As you can tell, Sabreen and I are huge political activists.
True story. She will tell you who Che Guevara is and even what he's famous for!
We went to a birthday braai for my aunt tonight and one of my uncle's asked why we had pics of my dad printed on our T-shirts!
Apparently my late dad looked like Che back in the day.

That right there is the happy family people :)
That's the Haarties bridge in the background.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Passion... That's The Secret

Who would have guessed when I woke up yesterday morning, that before my day was over I would be flat on my back connected to a heart-machine?
Certainly not me!

I usually go to bed around 1am or 2am on any given day, and even on the day's when I'm totally exhausted I still find myself climbing into bed closer to midnight.
I was up working on my laptop listening to the soft humming of Sabreen's breathing as she slept peacefully next to me on the sofa, MTV Classic's playing in the background while the missus battled demons and dragons in her subconscious in the comfort of the bedroom.
I had this burning sensation in my left shoulder which didn't bother me at first, as the nature of my job means I'm constantly bumping into things whilst on my construction sites.

An hour later and I realized that the burning sensation had now radiated downward toward my elbow.
Now I'm not one for rushing off to doctors or popping pills like jellybeans at a whim, but I have a sense of when something is wrong and requires urgent attention... and I sensed that something was wrong in my body and required urgent attention!

So I put the little one to bed, grabbed my baseball cap and a hoodie, and drove myself straight to Sunninghill Hospital. The time was 11:30pm and it took me 10 minutes to get there.

In that 10 minutes, I got to think about my life.
About the things I had achieved, and the legacy I would leave if I never made the journey back.
About the things I still hadn't ticked off my bucket list.
About the hopes and dreams I had for Sabreen and wondering if I would ever see her achieve them.
About what my late Dad would say if he had to sum up the life of a son he never got to know.

I thought these questions and their answers would make me sad and morose.
Surprisingly, I found myself smiling and content in the knowledge that I have lived a good life.
I was honestly pleased with what I had achieved, and while I knew that the years ahead of me were filled with promise and immense potential, I was satisfied with my scorecard at that very moment in time.

It's amazing and somewhat humbling to think that one's life can be summed up in it's entirety in a 10 minute drive.
An ECG and a host of blood tests later, the physician informed me that I was healthy as a teenager.
I'm guessing he doesn't quite know the state of the average teenagers health out there.
Four hours later and with no conclusive diagnosis, I was advised to monitor the pain and return in two days and sent home with a cocktail of medication to relax my muscles.

Most people say that there are experiences in life which make them stop and re-assess their priorities. Life-altering moments, so to speak.
I'd like to believe that when the 10-minute clip of "Life According To Fareed" was played to me, I stood up to rapturous applause and took a bow.
If the experience did anything, anything at all, it gave me a sense of urgency to hurry the heck up and achieve those goals I hadn't yet reached.
To chase those hopes and dreams I have for Sabreen and rejoice in watching her bloom, as I know with absolute certainty she will.

There is one thing I would like to make a concerted effort at changing though.
I'd like to be more complimentary to those who deserve it... spread the Thank You's and I Love You's around like confetti if I have to,provided they're warranted.
I do it often, more often than I did years ago when I was an even more sarcastic and acidic bastard than I am today. It made me realize that people are willing to engage more easily and openly with someone who recognizes and acknowledges them for who they are.

So in ending this post, I'd like to say a humble Thank You to all those who visit my blog and read my ramblings.
I'll keep writing if you keep visiting :)

Here's to year's of good health ahead, for me and you guys too!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

10 Craziest Award Show Crashers

Who can forget Kanye's "I'm real happy for you and ima let you finish..." rant at the MTV Awards show?
You couldn't make that stuff up if you were given an unlimited budget for scripting.

So I figured there must surely have been other celebrity crashers prior to this one, and as a public service to my loyal readers, I went in search of them.

Needless to say, I was not disappointed.

You may each have your own favourite video, but for me Gary Busey at number 5 is proof that alcohol and drugs before a red-carpet event is never a good idea.

Enjoy :)

Ps: If anybody knows what Soy Bomb means, please won't you drop me a response.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Is This Thing On?

So I was without internet for 4 days and quite honestly it felt like I had died and went to a hillbilly hell, devoid of all social-networking interaction.
It truly was a terrible nightmare come true.

I called Telkom relentlessly from Friday morning, first humbly requesting them to sort the problem out; then urgently requesting; by Saturday morning I was pleading, on Sunday this was reduced to begging, and today I finally caved in and started crying. Real, big, men-sized tears of anguish.
They eventually sent somebody over.
He arrived with a huge toolbox in his right hand and a tiny toolbox in his left hand.
He proceeded to open the huge toolbox.
This turned out to be his lunch.
An hour later he opened the smaller toolbox, which had a can of Coke and a Phillips screwdriver inside.
He took out the can of Coke and told me to come back in another hour.
I duly returned an hour later.
He took out the screwdriver, and waddled over to my internet connection/boxsy/cable thingy.
73 seconds later he said "I fixted it."
I hugged him and cried again.
I didn't want to let go, partly because I was so overjoyed, but mostly because I was afraid my internet would break as soon as he left.

So now I can go back to internet shopping, and searching for random crazy pictures to keep you lot happy.

Admittedly the last 4 pictures had nothing to do with my broken internet, but just to show you how happy I am I decided to upload these pictures and share them with you.
This has been the longest I haven't blogged since I started this new blog, and it made me realize that my 7 days away from the internet while I'm on my cruise will be no easy task.
I will survive.
I think.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Loyiso Gola vs Trevor Noah

I remember when DSTV announced the launch of Tonight With Trevor Noah.
I was so excited to be able to watch a premium comedienne for free on the telly. (Well I'm Indian after all!)
So when the first episode aired, I couldn't help but wish that it would get progressively better. The truth is, it got progressively worse, to the point of being cringe-worthy in it's latest offering.
I'm not sure why Nadia Lee van der Schyf didn't make an appearance on tonight's episode, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was because she jumped from a sinking ship before the band started playing.
Good timing there Nadia.

The highlight of Trevor's show is always the segment with Eugene Khoza. That man is a comedic genius!
If Eugene were the host of the show and Trevor were his sidekick, I think the show would have better staying power.
Unfortunately I think the general population agrees with me when I say that Trevor has lost his appeal ever since he whore'd himself out to the corporates.
Suddenly he seem's a lot less funny, and it's reached the point where I no longer bother tuning in.
I give his show another 2 months before they can it.

Remember The Gareth Cliff Show?
Great idea. No staying power.

Everybody is trying to copy the success of The Pure Monate Show.
It's never gonna happen.
I loved that show and it produced some of the best comediennes this country has ever seen.
It was seriously our very own Saturday Night Live.
Why they stopped it's run I will never understand.

Just when I thought all hope was lost, along came Late Night News with Loyiso Gola.
Fresh, funky, and totally relevant.
The segments by Riaad Moosa, SA's own Dr Comedy, are pure genius.

Admittedly I do find Loyiso's tempo to be a bit rushed.
So rushed in fact that he tends to swallow some of his words before they've even left his mouth.
Maybe with time he will calm the heck down and deliver his lines the way he does during stand-up.
Riaad Moosa and David Kibuka don't seem to have the same problem though. It's amazing that both comedy shows to hit our screens seem to have got it wrong when it comes to the host.
Eugene should have hosted Trevor's show, and they could have called it Tonight With Eugene Khoza.
Riaad should have hosted Loyiso's show and they could have called it anything they liked, the masses would still have tuned in religiously for their weekly shots.
I think Loyiso will outlast Trevor.
Trevor tried to make his show look too polished. Loyiso went with content over fancy sets.
I Googled both these shows and wasn't surprised to find other bloggers who felt much like I do.
Read Fishfinger for similar insights.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Hairy Potter : The Series

This post is dedicated to all those people who like to think that waxing or shaving goes against the grain of flaunting what the good Lord gave you.
To all those who believe that a woman is to be appreciated for all her beauty, hairless or hairy.
Yes you, you sick bastards!

I was on my way out of my local bank the other day when this woman who obviously recognized me and happened to be parked right in front of the bank, flashed me.
Not the way you think she flashed me! You sick bastards!
She was seated in her car, and flicked her headlights at me. Better?

Well I didn't recognize her but since I'm never rude to people, I figured the polite thing to do would be to walk over and see what she wanted.
Turns out she knew me from my suburb.
So there I am chatting to her, me standing next to her car window, her seated in the drivers seat, she wearing a flimsy summer dress, me trying to stop myself gagging once I realized that her cleavage was nothing short of a mangrove swamp after a torrential downpour!
The weather report : Slightly hairy with droplets of sweat to leave you nauseous. Dress warm and keep an umbrella handy.

Why do some women think it okay to go out in public showing a bit of fluff?
If that eternal question you've been asking yourself is "I wonder if he likes my front lawn uncut?"... the answer is ALWAYS no!!

Beyonce. I think this was for her "If I Were A Boy" video.

Julia Roberts. I think this was taken at the sequel to Pretty Woman, which they obviously decided not to release

I don't know who this is, but that hairy navel is gross.

See ladies. How would you like it if we let it all hang out?

Believe it or not, these wooly socks belong to MoNique, who won  a Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actress in Precious

The Call Of The Ocean

In just 4 weeks time we take on the sea's on an ocean cruise I have been wanting to do for a few years now.
I kept putting it off first because my business didn't allow me to be out of contact for too long; then because the Somalians were hijacking everything that didn't have wheels; and finally I postponed because I saw a re-run of the epic movie Titanic on the telly one night.

To allay my fears about being without both mobile and internet access for longer than 24 hours, I had requested a satellite phone and an internet port to be installed in our room.
They called me today with the cost of my request, and I realized that I would need to take out a second bond on my home and sell a kidney to finance my needs.

If you've read my previous posts, you will know that I don't enjoy being away from my business for too long. Anything longer than 2 days is too long.
Yes yes, I know I need to learn to relax.
So this ocean cruise is certainly going to be a challenge and test in relaxation for me.

On the plus side, one of the activities on board the ship is a golf simulator! Yeah baby :)

I called the lady who handled my booking, and asked her about a hundred questions, the type she must get asked by every single passenger who's ever booked a cruise with her before. It's only when I asked about sharks that she realized I may not be your average passenger.
Living in Johannesburg has allowed me to be in control of my fear of these ocean monsters.
Touch wood I haven't encountered a shark in the Sandton or surrounding suburbs ever. The odd tow-truck driver and metro cop does come a close second though.
If you watch the movie `Jaws' backwards, it's a movie about a shark that keeps throwing up people until they have to open a beach.

My final question to her was about icebergs.
Sure, laugh all you want, but with global warming what it is currently, I wouldn't be surprised to find a renegade iceberg chilling it's butt somewhere in the Indian ocean near Maputo!
All I'm saying is, I'm carrying an extra $500 on me just in case I need to bribe the safety officer on board when they realize there aren't enough lifeboats!

"Jaaaaaaaaack.... Jaaaaaaaaack.... Jaaaaaaaaaack... Don't leave me Jaaaaack.."
It's all fun and games, until somebody doesn't see the iceberg straight ahead!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

The Week That Was

I feel like I came into this weekend recklessly speeding, complete with smoke and wheelspins and thumping bass, and using my gonads as brakes!
Wow! What a week it's been.

On Tuesday my good friend from Cape Town arrived with her hubby & kid for a few days, planning to stay until Saturday when they left for a holiday in Zanzibar. I think I mentioned her in a previous post.
I love having my home filled with friends and laughter. It's my version of Utopia.

So my week was off to a flying start until I got a call from a family member.
Yeah. One of those. Amazing how the people that derail your awesomeness are always the one's you care about  the most.
In a nutshell, it boiled down to me offering my time and advice as best I could whenever they needed it, and them thinking I just wasn't doing enough.
Did I mention that I give of my time and advice freely?
Honestly, I'd rather they just said Thank You and shut up.
Seriously, why do people alway's assume other's were born simply to serve them?

* here endeth the rant *

Having survived the Wednesday call of suckiness, I knew the week could only get better... and get better it did.
My favourite awesomely amazing aunt from Australia arrived to stay for a few months.
She's about the only thing I like about Australia, and with her no longer there until December, Australia has officially become crappy again. No offence to the kangaroos.

On Friday more Cape Town visitors arrived, intending to leave with my friend Badeeah and her family on the Zanzibar vacation of greatness.
I may have come pretty close to maintaining my 100% record for getting people late to the airport... sometimes even having them miss their flight as a bonus.
Thankfully this was not the case this time around.

Here's the thing : For as long as I can remember, whenever I was asked to either take somebody to the airport, or pick them up from the airport, it would trigger a little virus in my operating system and cause a malfunction!
It's become a standing joke in the family, and everybody who know's me knows about it.

Fareed's name is never to be used in the same sentence as "Airport".. ever

Honestly it's not even something I can consciously control.
I remember a few years back I had to pick the missus's sisters up from the airport and it was going to be our first meeting. We weren't married yet so needless to say I was still in the phase of putting on a good impression and trying to score brownie points with her family. Come to think of it, that phase never really ended.
Moving on.
So they were scheduled to arrive at around 8am, and I had to make sure I was clean and shiny as a new penny, and on time.
The drive to the airport from my home would take about 30 minutes, so I figured leaving at 7am would give me plenty of time to make this operation a success.
I was doing so well and everything was going superbly and according to plan, until 7am that is!
My lifelong friend and most dependable stalwart let me down at the most inopportune time: my car wouldn't start :(

I knew the Airport Curse had struck again.
My average delay-time has been around the one-hour mark.
After 3 hours of having the sisters wait at the airport, I knew my first-impression had been shot to crap.
I finally got a friends car and arrived to pick them up at the airport 8 hours later.

The Airport Curse had now affected an entirely new family, outside of my own and my circle of friends. Sometimes I'm amazed that I still have a circle of friends. On the plus side, they know better than to ask me to   pick them up or drop them off at the airport.

Over the years I've had random people ask me to do an airport run, and either learn of the curse and change their minds at the last minute, or hope against hope that it will be fine. The latter group invariably ends up on a later flight, or catching a bus.
You would think that this curse would have some respect and decorum in it's selection process, but it's like the common cold, affecting everybody with no regard for status or relation.

A small sampling of my unintended victims and the reasons for missing their flights include :
* My father-in-law. He missed his flight due to sudden traffic congestion. True story.
* The missus. Numerous occasions. Numerous reasons. (See how it has no regard for rank or file!)
* Numerous friends throughout my life. Various totally valid reasons.
* A 2nd-tier member of my in-laws. This one was not my fault. She was too busy making out. True story.

The latter was quite an interesting story, and almost led to me going corporate with my Airport Curse.
I had taken her to the airport on the day, and we both suspected that she may be a tad late to check-in as we were really cutting it close. I was nothing more than the designated driver, and we would seriously have been on time as scheduled if she had cut her make-out session with her man down to one hour instead of two.
You would think that after an hour of swopping spit and sucking face, she'd had enough.
Apparently she was expecting fireworks in the second hour. All she got was numb lips and dehydration.

So there she was at the airport, having missed her flight and checked in on a later flight.
All was well, or so I thought.
The next morning I received an email with her flight details from the day before, and a copy of the ticket for her missed flight.
I wasn't sure why she had sent this mail to me. I thought it was to treasure her memories online in some weird way.
It's only when I got to the bottom of her email that I realized she was expecting me to reimburse her for the cost of her missed flight and having to purchase a new ticket.
Suddenly I was in the Flight Insurance business.

After the shock had worn off, I decided to discuss the matter with said crazy woman.
You'll be glad to know the story has a happy ending.
I didn't go into the Flight Insurance business, and she ended up being a test-dummy for a pharmaceutical company specializing in mental disorders.

Thats my story on the Airport Curse, and I'm sticking to it.

This morning I was booked to play golf at 7am.
I woke up at 10am and that's usually a good indicator that I may have missed golf for the day.
My aunt from Australia asked if I would take her to her luncheon venue which turned out to be a rather sizeable event with about 100 guests at a family members home.
I figured there was no need for me to shower and don the spiffy Sunday garment as I wouldn't be getting off my car.
Oh how wrong I was!
We got to the house and there were cars everywhere.
Since I was not planning on parking, I simply pulled up at the entrance expecting my aunt to scurry on inside.
Except that some of the folk lingering about at the entrance to the home recognized me, and them being elders I was expected to go over and greet them.
It's an Indian thing.
A wave and hoot simply wouldn't do.
If you going to do the wave and hoot, you might as well show them the finger.
Caught between an army of elders and an unshaven pyjama-party driver designate, I had no option but to get off my vehicle and walk the 50-odd meters to where they stood.
Disheveled, unshaven, wearing threadbare shorts and a fake Diesel T-shirt with beach flip-flops will never be a fashion statement. Not in my lifetime, and not in a 100 years.
I thought I carried it off with style though, until I started hugging the aunts and saw them pulling their noses funny.

That was my cue to hightail it out of there.
I got home and realized I had a hole in the back of my shorts.
Seriously. Who goes to bed in designer pyjamas? Not even Jack Osbourne.
Thank goodness I had my Ben10 boxers underneath my shorts! That could have been so embarrassing!

It's now Sunday night and I've just finished watching this show on the Animax channel called "Next!"
Americans must really have run out of ideas for Reality TV shows!
It's like a speed-dating show, except all the contestants are in their late teens or early twenties, and they have a history of skankiness about them. It seemed to me like the producers found these kids on or the Jerry Springer show.
Today they had this Indian girl from Durban, who introduced herself as an East Asian girl.
Just because the show is shot in America doesn't mean that us South Africans are not going to see it at some time.
She looked like she was fresh out of Verulam or Chatsworth. Not that there's anything wrong with people from Verulam or Chatsworth, but they do have a certain look about them. She aced that look!
So there she was with her totally fake accent, about to speed-date 5 American guys, and she introduces herself as Vin Mari.
Vin Mari?
Who the heck is she kidding?
I'm no rocket scientist, but even I know that Vin Mari is short for Vineshree Marimuthoo!
Keep it real girl. Be proud of who you are.
Anyways, she tells the first guy a little about herself, and proceeds to invite him to a game "commonly played back home in my country, South Africa."
Finally! Some honesty and 10 points for keeping it real Vin Mari!
I'm thinking a little bit of Rugby... maybe some Soccer or Cricket.
Wait, hang on. There's just 2 of them?
Ok, a game commonly played in South Africa by just 2 people?
Now I'm thinking Monopoly... maybe Tennis... Cops and Robbers... a casual mugging even?
Nope. None of the above.
She takes him to this garden and says "Have you ever played Croquet?"
That's the game commonly played in South Africa?
Thanks for the waste of a good 10 minutes Vin Mari.

Time for Idols.
At least our infamous Idols judge Mara keeps it real!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

It Takes A Village To Raise A Child

It Takes a Whole Village to Raise a Child

The last word of this poem, phat, is a slang word that means "pretty hot and tempting'' or "totally cool.'' Phat is also the Vietnamese name for the Buddha. So phat as I am using it means "totally Buddha cool.''
It takes a whole village to raise a child.
That is what a lot of indigenous cultures believed.
In Bali, when a new babe is born,
Everyone takes turn holding the babe for two years straight.
Not once during that time is the babe put down.
Dolphins do something very similar to that.
When a baby dolphin is born,
All dolphins come from all over---
It does not matter how far away---
To greet and take care of the new baby dolphin
That has just entered the world.
I was thinking, what if we as a society did the same?
What if it were not just up to the parents to raise the child
But the whole town?
What would the world be like if a baby were born,
And everyone came from all over
To greet the new Soul to the world
With gifts and love?
Am I and I alone responsible for my actions?
Maybe not.
I am responsible for my actions and others' actions.
Others are responsible for my actions and their actions.
It is never one-sided.
Think about it.
What would the world be like
If we all saw that child as our responsibility?
Oh, just imagine that.
Do you think we would still have crime
Or loneliness running rampant on the streets?
Just imagine what the world would be like if we lived like that.
Now that, my dear ones, is phat.

Poem by Jessica Mystic. Her website can be found here

My guests from Cape Town arrived yesterday, and already there is an air of holiday calmness and serenity lingering about. They leave for Zanzibar on Saturday, and had it not been for the cruise I'm booked to go on in November, we may have joined them on this vacation.

Abdullah, his wife Badeeah and their beautiful daughter Mila were our neighbours before they moved to the Cape.
The very first time I met them, I knew we'd be good friends... and have been ever since.

So this afternoon as we sat in my lush green garden even before the rains had arrived, we got to chatting about our  lives and our kids and how truly blessed we are for all that we have.

I realised that there will be many aspects of my upbringing that Sabreen will never ever experience. I have mixed emotions about this, as some are better left as memories whilst others would truly have been enriching experiences for her.

The one which relates to the poem above is probably my fondest childhood memory : Growing up in a neighbourhood where fences were used to unite the hedges, not divide the neighbours. Strange as this may sound, most of the houses in my neighbourhood never had boundary walls. We never had walls dividing one home from another. When I walked out our back door and looked left or right, I would be staring at the longest backyard you have ever seen, 10 houses down on either side!

It was awesome as a kid. We'd play soccer or cricket or Cops-And-Robbers in the backyard and it would be the longest field in the world.
Sometimes we'd unintentionally have the ball end up darting across the washing line of newly hung clothes, and we'd get our asses collectively whipped by whichever neighbour caught us.
I grew up knowing that having your ears boxed was not just a figure of speech.
Neither was laughing until we cried.

There were bonds formed growing up as kids that lasted and continue to last well into our own parenthood.

This is probably the single most valuable experience I wish Sabreen could experience.

We truly were brought up by an entire village back then.

Today things are completely different.
I've lived in my present home for over two years and have never once seen my neighbours on either side.
Our walls are competing with our pride, and our desire for privacy and security seems limitless.
The only time our children get to socialise outside of the family unit is when they are at school, or on the occassional family visit to the cousins.
Don't even get me started on playtime!
Our folks would be standing on that back porch calling out our names at dusk, unsure which yard we were playing in but totally reassured that whichever one it was, we were safe a sound.
Today it's all about the Nintendo Wii and the Playstation.
I have friend's who's kids could work up a sweat from all the video games they play.
They even get sport-injuries like finger-cramp and stiff-neck!

So tonight I dedicate Jessica's poem to all those parents who wish their kids could have a peek into the upbringing of a bygone era.

10 Crazy Facts About The Human Body

#1 Your Hand Can Have A Mind On Its Own
Remember Devon Sawa’s character in 1999’s ‘Idle Hands’, a comedy / horror movie about a teen whose hand becomes possessed and goes on a killing spree?
Apparently this movie has some truth in it. The ‘idle hand’ which referred to as the ‘Alien Hand Syndrome’ is an unusual neurological disorder in which the sufferer’s hand seems to take on a mind of its own. This is due to the damage in the medial motor frontal region of the brain and often occurs after a brain surgery, a stroke or an infection of the brain.
The sufferer has no control over the movements of the ‘alien hand’ nor will they have any conscience idea on what that hand is doing. The person suffering from this condition can often feel disconnected with their hand, and feel as if it was not part of their body.
When the suffer is unaware the alien hand can sometime act out complex movements like unbuttoning clothing, using tools or even tearing pieces of clothing. There are no know treatments or cure for ‘Alien Hand Syndrome’ however the best solution is to give this alien hand an object it can play with to keep it distracted from doing anything harmful to the sufferer.
#2 You Could Remove A Large Part of Your Internal Organs and Survive
While the human body may appear fragile, your body is stronger than you could possibly imagine. It is possible for you to survive even after the removal of the spleen, the stomach, one kidney, one lung, 75% of the liver, 80% of the intestines, and almost every organ from the pelvic and groin area.
#3 The Strong Contraction of Your Heart Creates Enough Pressure To Squirt Blood As Far As 30 Feet
#4 You Can Still Have An Erection After Death
(sorry couldn’t find a picture)
This is a death erection, which often being referred to as ‘angel lust’. It is a post-mortem erection that occurs when a male individual dies vertically or face-downside and as long as the body remains in this position, the effect will not subside.
How It Could Possibly Happen?
When a man is still alive, the heart pumps blood evenly around the body. When he dies, this mechanism stops and the blood acts by the force of gravity. As with any mass, the blood will settle at the lowest point of the body and cause swelling. So if a man dies vertically, the blood will settle in the legs and collect at the feet.
The pressure will cause the blood vessels and tissues in the feet to swell up to accommodate as much blood as possible. As blood collects, it will fill up to the torso and the blood will attempt to move to a lower position due to gravity, which is the penis (the legs are full by now). The blood causes the penis, consisting of erectile tissue, to fill with blood and expand.
#5 Heart Attacks Are More Likely To Happen On Monday
10-year study in Scotland found that 20% of people die of a heart attack on Monday’s compare to any other day of the week. The study suggests that the ‘Monday peak’ could be a result of massive drinking during the weekend and work related stress; you know the ‘Monday blues.’
#6 Three Hundred Million Cells Die In Your Body Every Minute
It does sounds like a lot but this is actually less than 0.0001% of the amount of cells being replaced in your body every day. (about 10-50 trillion cells are being replace in your body every day)
#7 Babies Have More Bones Than You Do
When a baby is born, they have 300 bones in their body. When they reach adulthood they are left with only 206 bones. This is because the smaller bones eventually join together to form stronger single bones.
#8 Your Hair Is Almost Indestructible
Apart from having it burnt, human hair decays at such a slow rate that it is almost impossible to get rid of. Do you remember those documentaries about Egypt, the pyramids and Mummies on Discovery Channel? Well the mummies are left with no flesh, practically nothing but bones and yes… hair. It might look fragile but hair cannot be destroyed by cold, change of climate, water, or other natural forces and it is resistant to many kinds of acids and corrosive chemicals.
#9 You Can Survive Without Food But Not Without Sleep
You need sleep as much as you need food. Many people neglect the importance of having enough sleep without knowing that humans can actually survive longer without food than without sleep. With water alone, an average person could survive a month to two without food (that also varies from an individual’s body fat and other factors).
But a few sleepless nights will cause the person to start experiencing radical personality and psychological changes. The longest recorded time anyone has ever gone without sleep is 264 hours. Randy Gardner at the end of which the experiment did not stumble or hallucinate but scientist has said that any more sleepless nights than that is dangerous.
#10 You Have A Philtrum
The indentation in the middle of the area between the nose and the upper lip is called the philtrum. While scientists are yet to figure out the specific purpose of this indentation serves besides allowing humans to express a much larger range of lip motions, the ancient Greeks thought it to be one of the most arousing places on the body.