Defending The Caveman

My friend Sabeen from Dubai arrived for her yearly vacation with us on Thursday.
Her kid's aged 4 (Raaz) and 7 (Fiza) wanted to do something outside of the usual theme-parks or malls over the weekend, so I decided on something completely South African. They'd recently been to DisneyWorld in Japan, so topping that was not going to be an easy task.

A hundred years ago while I was still at school, I remember going to Sterkfontein Caves during an excursion. I figured a day spent at Maropeng learning about the history of mankind followed by a tour through the caves would do the trick.

Clearly it was!
The Maropeng Museum was a far cry from the stuffy quiet museums we're so accustomed to. This place is totally inter-active, with tons of things to do for both adults and kids. The highlight was a boat ride through a man-made cave, complete with ice-tunnel, waterfalls and a mini-volcano. If the kids get bored (highly unlikely) of being indoors, there's an outside picnic area with jungle-gym and a viewing deck.
3 Adults, 3 Kids, 3 hours of great fun. Total cost :R10!
I kid you not. All you pay is the entrance fee per vehicle, which is a measly R10!
Now that's my idea of a value-for-money day out.

The Sterkfontein Caves are about 7km away from Maropeng.
Interesting fact is that the restaurant at the reception area is halaal for those who haven't packed a picnic basket. I expected to pay tourist prices, but once again I was pleasantly surprised.
R35 for a chicken burger meal. That's not too bad, considering this place is out in the bush, about 60km away from Sandton.
The Cave Tour is R120 per adult, R70 for kids between aged 4-14.
For an amazing one-hour tour, it's another awesome experience.

Today we're off to Lory Park Zoo in Midrand.

Thanks to my friend Roela Hattingh and the link on her Facebook page to Toodoo where so many of these local outtings and events are showcased!

Yesterday was proof that entertaining the family during the school holidays need not break the bank or require a second bond.

The Road Is Calling

I've browsed through my last few posts and found a common thread of bitching about how busy I've been and how hectic my weeks are lately.
I think it's time for another holiday, or at the very least a road-trip that lasts an entire weekend and has no destination.

In other news, we had a crazy electrical storm in the area about a month back, and it blew my TV and satellite dish to smithereens. I was tempted to do the manly thing and take it as a sign from a higher being that I needed to upgrade from a 50inch LCD TV to a 70Inch LED one.... but then I had a rethink and figured "Let's see what life is actually like without a TV."

Amazingly the entire family has survived, and even more surprising is how much time we've had to do the things we once loved: Reading, family bonding, writing, listening to music, calling relatives at odd hours just to chat (especially fun if done during Survivor or American Idol"), and of course blogging.

Watch this space for the update on the pending vacation.

Boxing Day Chronicles

Boxing Day and I decided to play a round of golf since the weather was looking superb. By 6:30am I was on the tee-box waiting for my opponent to arrive. I had no idea who it would be since I booked my golf game online.

It wasn't the guy in the pic above, in case you were wondering.

It turned out to be a guy named Clive who had come straight from a Christmas party.
Let me say that again in case you didn't get it the first time.
Clive had come straight to the golf course, from a Christmas party!

The party apparently ended at 5am, whereupon our intrepid golfer went home to collect his golf bag and shoes, and then headed to the golf course. I only suspected that he was drunk when he came dressed in a tie... and a stained golf shirt... oh and the distinct smell of alcohol within a 10m radius of the guy... and also the fact that he called me Kowloon instead of Kaloo twice before he even hit his first ball. Did I mention that he stumbled onto the tee-box and farted while bending down to place his ball?

Most of my posts on the blog have a small degree of fiction in them.

Not this one.
I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

It turned out that it would just be the two of us, instead of the usual four players.
You would be amazed by how much you can learn about a person during a round of golf.
Clive is a nurse and he broke up with his girlfriend two days before Christmas. Her names Stacey. I think she must be a real bitch because he called her that at least 36 times... thats an average of twice for every hole we played. Stacey dumped him because he spent their holiday money on a Sony Playstation. How insensitive of her!? Bitch!

I'm no drinker so I don't know too much about alcohol poisoning, but thankfully with Clive being a nurse he accurately diagnosed himself with having the said affliction. I only know this because at the 4th hole he went behind a tree to take a pee, and 30 seconds later he started screaming like a girl. I asked him whats wrong and he said he thought he had alcohol poisoning. The next obvious question was "How do you know this?" and he replied with "It smells like battery acid and looks like Oros." He was talking about his pee.
Did I mention that this is a true story?

Now you're probably wondering what the pic above has to do with anything.

Well, at the end of our game one of the cleaning ladies walked out of the ladies room as we were about to walk into the mens locker rooms. She carried with her a bucket and a mop, as cleaning ladies usually do, and greeted us with a toothy "Good morning Sir."
Clive told her that her mop looked really hot on her. She almost hit him with it. I didn't want to be a witness to sexual harassment, so I ran into the mensroom.

The scary part of this story is that he beat me at golf.
I'd like to see him do that when he's sober!

The Year That Was : 2010

What an awesome year it's been!

I contemplated giving you a play-by-play of all the greatest moments of this year, but it would simply be an entire days worth of writing, and possibly half a days reading (since I type half as slow as most of you read.)

The highlights and lowlights in no particular order :

2010 FIFA World Cup
No true-blooded South African would mention the greatest moments of this year, let alone their lives, without mentioning our hosting of footballs greatest spectacle.
From the opening ceremony down to the final whistle, our nation put on an amazing show second to none. We stood proud as we welcomed the world to our shores and held our heads up with dignity and pride as we let the event prove our naysayers wrong. When the final whistle blew, we rose as a united South Africa and showed the world that we may have our challengers for competing with the best in the world on the field, but there is none that could challenge us for national pride off it.
Well done to all my fellow South Africans. We did ourselves proud!

The Bucket List
For those that know me and those that visit my blog regularly, you will know that my passion is Golf.
I preach it, play it, eat and breath it. Now if only I could do it justice when I'm out there on the fairways and greens...
I've always wondered what it would be like to be a Pro golfer, or at least play against one. Earlier this year, I was one of 6 lucky individuals chosen nationwide to compete against the Pro's during a Vodacom sponsored event as part of the Sunshine Tour. The tournament was called So You Think You Can Beat Me? and I played against local Pro Jean Hugo, who taught me more in one day of golf than I could ever have learned in an entire month of lessons!

Next on my Bucket List was an Ocean Cruise. I've been wanting to do one for as long as I can remember.
I finally booked the missus and I on the Portugeuse Islands cruise, and it certainly lived up to it's reputation of being an excellent holiday!
You can read more about it here and here.

One of the most glaring items on my Bucket List and one which has been a monkey on my back ever since I started Sikama Contracting four years ago has been the business debt I took on to start the venture. It was like waking up every morning and having to fight a Tyrannosaurus Rex before I even had my first cup of tea.
So you can only imagine my glee when I finally paid off the last cent and my company became debt free!
I immediately went out and bought a Porsche.
No of course I didn't.
I'm Indian.
I figured for the price of a Porsche I could get 14 Tata Indicas!

Friends & Family
It's been a good year for members of my family with a few of them moving onward and upward into their new homes.It's also been good in this regard with some of my friends having done the same. Particular mention to dear friends of mine from Cape Town, who moved back to the Mother City after having been in Jozi for a few years. Badeeah and Abdullah along with their daughter Milla bought a Morrocan-styled villa overlooking the ocean a few months back, which now means we have a second-home in the Cape! YAY!!!

It was also a year in which I closed the book on a friendship which spanned almost six years. It's never easy to walk away from those kind of bonds. It's almost like uprooting a tree and hoping it will survive its new environment. Over the year's I've become adapt at recognizing fractured or cancerous aspects which sometimes creep in to a friendship, and I'm admittedly pretty selfish that way in that I would sooner walk away before things get worse, than stick around and try to fix it. I guess the "Life's too short" philosophy comes to mind here.
I've said it in previous posts and somebody actually called me about it and asked how in heaven's name I could simply walk away from friendships like that.
It's not a skill or a survival technique. It's just me being me. It's me looking out for myself. It's me putting a value on who I am, what I'm all about and how much I value my time and energy. I walk away when I feel I'm no longer respected as a person, or if the time and energy needed to repair the cracks are simply not worth it.
I've got friends who know and understand this about me, and have been around for many many years, comfortable in the knowledge that the bonds we share are like two comets in the sky: Never needing each other constantly to blaze our own trails in the night, but when we do meet again it's explosive and magical and memorable.

*If you're reading this post and thinking it's about you, I dedicate the following song to you...

Then there are the Internet, Blog, Facebook and Twitter friendships I have made this year, which have all been great and interesting in their own way.

To each of you I wish you an extraordinary 2011, and may the best of this year be the worst of the year ahead.

Be safe over the festive season, and let's make 2011 a year to remember for all the right reasons.

More Christmas Cheer, Less Christmas Spirit

Ok so it's that time of year again when everyone and their donkey is invited to a Christmas Party. Well just remember, unlike Vegas, what happens at the party doesn't always stay at the party!

Sweet dreams my son.

Ok at first I didn't know whether that was a butt or a stomach... then I noticed the midget!

Is it because I'm black?

Seriously, why is Grandpa here? He looks confused.

There are 2 women in this pic, and some dude is pinching this GUY's nipple? hhmm...

Mans best friend. Woof! Don't even think of the "Doggy-style" jokes you dirty minded person you!!

You've heard of Facebook. Now meet Facepotty.

When did "Can I buy you a drink?" turn into "Can I steal your drink?"

It's all in the timing! Yes, that's her barfing as she leaves the party.

Who's your daddy?

We Rode Dinosaurs Into The Sunset

So the missus is on her girly-holiday in Bali. I may have mentioned her yearly pilgrimage with her gal-pal Sabeen (not to be confused with the daughter, Sabreen) in a previous post.
Each year they choose an exotic location and leave the husbands to bond with the kids. Last year was Sharm-El-Sheikh in Egypt, next year they're doing Bora Bora.

It ranks as one of my favourite times of the year, because it means I get to conquer the world with my daughter. Just she and I against the dragons and the demons of the universe.
Last nights demon was dinner.
My first real attempt at a culinary masterpiece.
10 minutes later and with her having shown me where everything including the salt in the kitchen was, I felt like Masterchef Joburg. My culinary masterpiece : 2 Minute Noodles & Woolies Chicken Bites, or as I like to call it, Pasta Al Cheapo.

I was chatting to a friend of mine today, who had recently gone into partnership with a colleague of his. They started a consulting firm. Pretty low key upstart business, with a few basic clients, but they have a vision of growing it soon. My friend tell's me he think's his partner needs to attend Business School. He say's whenever they go for lunch or travel, the partner keeps all the expense receipts. So yesterday my friend finally asked him what he does with all the receipts, and the partner winks at him and says "I claim it back from the company!"
Hhmm... I don't think he realised that it's just the two of them in the partnership, which means he IS the company... and winking at your partner when you say that doesn't make you sound or look smart, it makes you look stupid. It's not the fact that claiming from the company is perfectly legal, it's the fact that as an upstart  they both agreed to keep expenses to a minimal. Weird, I know.
It's like me stealing R100 out of my own wallet, and high-fiving myself for getting away with it.

Also, if you're a guy and you're just sitting around bored out of your skull for no good reason, please don't choose a mousetrap as your toy of choice.
Some guy I met today at my client's place was in a wheelchair, bitching about suing a mousetrap company because he was playing with the device on his sofa while watching Sunday afternoon golf, when it suddenly snapped shut on his testicle.
I had tears in my eyes just thinking about that kind of pain.
Besides, if a mousetrap can take a guy off his feet and put him in a wheelchair, that's enough reason for me never to get bored while alone at home with one!

Say Cheese!!

Holiday Hangover

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss being on holiday. I always said that my idea of a perfect holiday is being at home surrounded by my books, with a wireless broadband internet connection, and a PVR filled with sport and a few choice movies.
After having been on the cruise, this has changed ever so slightly.
I still love being at home and doing the things I enjoy doing, but every so often I wonder what's happening poolside and how much longer before my meal arrives. (This is the point where the missus asks "Hows that different from when you're home?")
Well, when I'm home I don't hear the sound of the ocean or see seagulls on opening a window.
Also, 5000 miles out at sea makes it a little difficult for clients to call me and set up urgent meetings, where for some daft reason lately they've been serving the most vile food. One of my clients is on this huge cleansing diet and naturally she thinks it's polite and proper to cater her dietary requirements to the good folk attending the meeting.
Out with the samoosas and delicious steak pies and yummy morning drinks, and in with yoghurt and muesli and soya in every shape and form you can imagine, served with water of course.

On the plus side it's immediate effect was a drastic reduction in the time spent during these meetings. On the down side, travelling 18 floors down an elevator with a bunch of angry hungry people who have just had yoghurt and muesli can be an exercise in clean-air filtration techniques. I'm ready for deep-sea diving.

Back to my holiday hangover.
A sure sign that it's more serious than initially thought is when you order coffee from the convenience store at the filling station, and ask where the pink umbrella and complimentary sandwich are.

There was a couple on board the ship who won their cruise in a Bingo competition. Needless to say, the competition organizers stuck them so far down the ship in a cabin without a pothole, they could hear the barnacles making love in the middle of the night. It was their first holiday on board a ship and they were just thrilled to be there, even if they hadn't fully understood the perks that came with ocean cruising. On the last evening on board the ship, someone informed them that all meals were complimentary. Until then, they had been stocking up on snacks each time the ship docked. They just assumed that all meals would be billed to your cabin!

It's been a week already and my head is still a big fuzzy marshmallow of productivity.
If this doesn't clear up soon, I'll be forced to take some time out and attend to this fuzzy head issue.

Say NO To Piracy!

Well the day has finally arrived. Today we fly down to the coast, spend two days there, and then we board the ship for our week-long cruise. I mentioned before that it's something I've always wanted to do, and hopefully I'm not a statistic among the 5% of people who suffer from motion-sickness, or the .035% of people who will encounter a Pirate!

As fate would have it, the one time I decide to do a holiday on a ship, the Somali pirates decide to up their game, and other Ocean Cruise ships get stuck in the middle of the sea for no good reason! How hectic is that? Being out at sea with no mobile or internet signal, on a massive cruise ship, and the engine decides its had enough and konks out!
It's not like the Captain can announce that the ship is stuck. Technically I don't even know if it's called being stuck? Because your'e actually not stuck in the true sense of the word, you're still kind of drifting. Also, you can't just get up and decide you're going to start pushing. So maybe they mean you're stuck in the sense that you can't really do anything but wait.
Then they radio for help and a helicopter comes flying in from hundreds of miles away, and the engineer goes down to the engine room. 3 Hours later and with passengers already deciding which shoes will go best with those bright orange life-jackets, the Captain announces that the problem has been sorted out and it was just a $1.50 fuse that blew.  

The next day at breakfast you sit around with your fellow 4500 passengers and discuss the drama of the night before. There's always that one guy who say's "I was ready to jump overboard and swim to land, get help and save us!"
I already decided that before the ship even leaves port on Monday, I'm going to announce that I'm looking for THAT guy. I want to meet him,introduce myself, and tell him that if we DO get stuck, I'll be looking for him. Then I'm going to throw him overboard and he can fulfill his dream of saving us all from certain death.
There's nothing worse that a guy who has a dream of jumping overboard to swim for help, and when the moment arrives he never gets the opportunity. So yes, I will be identifying the hero's before we depart.
As for me, I'm more of a "Hold on to your laptop, iPod, Blackberry & iPad, and PRAY!" kind of guy.
There's no way I'm jumping overboard to swim to land.
Firstly, that Atlantic Ocean is fookin cold! I've swam in Cape Town beaches, I know what I'm talking about.
Secondly, rumour has it that sharks like their meat nicely cooked and spicy. You don't get more nicely cooked and spicy than me, Indian Guy!
Thirdly and most importantly, my religion teaches me to protect the women and children in times of crisis, in that particular order. If all the men decide to be macho and jump ship to start swimming, who's going to be fulfilling this religious duty? Exactly!

So my challenge for the next week is to try and survive without internet access and my Blackberry.
Not going to be easy. Definitely not.
I've already sent an email to all my client's informing them that I will not be available for the coming week. Most of the responses were of the "Enjoy your holiday and have a fabulous time" kind.
One in particular had me wondering about the calibre and IQ of my clients. She mailed me back saying "You're going to be at sea? Thats awesome. Wouldn't it be easier to fly wherever you're going,or are there no airports there?" Right. Remind me to remove you from my client-list when I get back.

Say NO to Piracy!
Yes, as the title of this post say's. If you see a pirate, just say NO! That's what I intend doing. I'm not sure how you say NO in Somali, but I'm guessing a good hard kick in the groin is a universally understood language. Unless there's more than 5 of them (because 5 Somali's are usually the size of one well-rounded Indian).
There's an evening of dress-up that's scheduled on Thursday on board the ship. You're supposed to wear a costume of sorts and everyone has a ball. I wanted to do the whole Pirate-Costume thing, but I figure it must be worn thin by now with probably every second guy going for the same look.
So I decided this Thursday, I'll be dressed as Osama Bin laden.
That should go down well.

The missus has already started packing. She has 2 bags filled with lingerie, and the other filled with shoes.I'm a tad concerned about her Thursday night outfit.
The only thing I've already packed is a long trench-coat. I figure I need something thats going to blow in the wind and look cool when I'm taking my Titanic shot! Every guy wants to have a Leonardo DiCaprio moment and take a pic of himself standing on the bow of the ship screaming "I'm top of the world!". Most guy's wont admit it, but it's true.
I'v seen the movie about 20 times this week, just to prepare myself for any eventuality. The first thing I intend doing on boarding the ship is to have a word with the look-out guy. If he doesn't spot an iceberg in time and we happen to hit one, I'm coming to look for him and I'm going to hit him on the head with my laptop. Then I'm going to look for that Hero fellow and throw him overboard, and say "Start swimming wise guy!"

Ok, time to pack.
I'm hoping for some signal while cruising so I can blog and post pics.
If not, this is the last you will hear from me until two Mondays from today.

Cherio folks!!

Ps: I'm also packing a pocket-chainsaw, because Leonardo almost didn't make it when he was handcuffed downstairs and couldn't cut that chain! I'm not taking any chances.

The Call Of The Ocean

In just 4 weeks time we take on the sea's on an ocean cruise I have been wanting to do for a few years now.
I kept putting it off first because my business didn't allow me to be out of contact for too long; then because the Somalians were hijacking everything that didn't have wheels; and finally I postponed because I saw a re-run of the epic movie Titanic on the telly one night.

To allay my fears about being without both mobile and internet access for longer than 24 hours, I had requested a satellite phone and an internet port to be installed in our room.
They called me today with the cost of my request, and I realized that I would need to take out a second bond on my home and sell a kidney to finance my needs.

If you've read my previous posts, you will know that I don't enjoy being away from my business for too long. Anything longer than 2 days is too long.
Yes yes, I know I need to learn to relax.
So this ocean cruise is certainly going to be a challenge and test in relaxation for me.

On the plus side, one of the activities on board the ship is a golf simulator! Yeah baby :)

I called the lady who handled my booking, and asked her about a hundred questions, the type she must get asked by every single passenger who's ever booked a cruise with her before. It's only when I asked about sharks that she realized I may not be your average passenger.
Living in Johannesburg has allowed me to be in control of my fear of these ocean monsters.
Touch wood I haven't encountered a shark in the Sandton or surrounding suburbs ever. The odd tow-truck driver and metro cop does come a close second though.
If you watch the movie `Jaws' backwards, it's a movie about a shark that keeps throwing up people until they have to open a beach.

My final question to her was about icebergs.
Sure, laugh all you want, but with global warming what it is currently, I wouldn't be surprised to find a renegade iceberg chilling it's butt somewhere in the Indian ocean near Maputo!
All I'm saying is, I'm carrying an extra $500 on me just in case I need to bribe the safety officer on board when they realize there aren't enough lifeboats!

"Jaaaaaaaaack.... Jaaaaaaaaack.... Jaaaaaaaaaack... Don't leave me Jaaaaack.."
It's all fun and games, until somebody doesn't see the iceberg straight ahead!