Saturday, November 13, 2010

Say NO To Piracy!

Well the day has finally arrived. Today we fly down to the coast, spend two days there, and then we board the ship for our week-long cruise. I mentioned before that it's something I've always wanted to do, and hopefully I'm not a statistic among the 5% of people who suffer from motion-sickness, or the .035% of people who will encounter a Pirate!

As fate would have it, the one time I decide to do a holiday on a ship, the Somali pirates decide to up their game, and other Ocean Cruise ships get stuck in the middle of the sea for no good reason! How hectic is that? Being out at sea with no mobile or internet signal, on a massive cruise ship, and the engine decides its had enough and konks out!
It's not like the Captain can announce that the ship is stuck. Technically I don't even know if it's called being stuck? Because your'e actually not stuck in the true sense of the word, you're still kind of drifting. Also, you can't just get up and decide you're going to start pushing. So maybe they mean you're stuck in the sense that you can't really do anything but wait.
Then they radio for help and a helicopter comes flying in from hundreds of miles away, and the engineer goes down to the engine room. 3 Hours later and with passengers already deciding which shoes will go best with those bright orange life-jackets, the Captain announces that the problem has been sorted out and it was just a $1.50 fuse that blew.  

The next day at breakfast you sit around with your fellow 4500 passengers and discuss the drama of the night before. There's always that one guy who say's "I was ready to jump overboard and swim to land, get help and save us!"
I already decided that before the ship even leaves port on Monday, I'm going to announce that I'm looking for THAT guy. I want to meet him,introduce myself, and tell him that if we DO get stuck, I'll be looking for him. Then I'm going to throw him overboard and he can fulfill his dream of saving us all from certain death.
There's nothing worse that a guy who has a dream of jumping overboard to swim for help, and when the moment arrives he never gets the opportunity. So yes, I will be identifying the hero's before we depart.
As for me, I'm more of a "Hold on to your laptop, iPod, Blackberry & iPad, and PRAY!" kind of guy.
There's no way I'm jumping overboard to swim to land.
Firstly, that Atlantic Ocean is fookin cold! I've swam in Cape Town beaches, I know what I'm talking about.
Secondly, rumour has it that sharks like their meat nicely cooked and spicy. You don't get more nicely cooked and spicy than me, Indian Guy!
Thirdly and most importantly, my religion teaches me to protect the women and children in times of crisis, in that particular order. If all the men decide to be macho and jump ship to start swimming, who's going to be fulfilling this religious duty? Exactly!

So my challenge for the next week is to try and survive without internet access and my Blackberry.
Not going to be easy. Definitely not.
I've already sent an email to all my client's informing them that I will not be available for the coming week. Most of the responses were of the "Enjoy your holiday and have a fabulous time" kind.
One in particular had me wondering about the calibre and IQ of my clients. She mailed me back saying "You're going to be at sea? Thats awesome. Wouldn't it be easier to fly wherever you're going,or are there no airports there?" Right. Remind me to remove you from my client-list when I get back.

Say NO to Piracy!
Yes, as the title of this post say's. If you see a pirate, just say NO! That's what I intend doing. I'm not sure how you say NO in Somali, but I'm guessing a good hard kick in the groin is a universally understood language. Unless there's more than 5 of them (because 5 Somali's are usually the size of one well-rounded Indian).
There's an evening of dress-up that's scheduled on Thursday on board the ship. You're supposed to wear a costume of sorts and everyone has a ball. I wanted to do the whole Pirate-Costume thing, but I figure it must be worn thin by now with probably every second guy going for the same look.
So I decided this Thursday, I'll be dressed as Osama Bin laden.
That should go down well.

The missus has already started packing. She has 2 bags filled with lingerie, and the other filled with shoes.I'm a tad concerned about her Thursday night outfit.
The only thing I've already packed is a long trench-coat. I figure I need something thats going to blow in the wind and look cool when I'm taking my Titanic shot! Every guy wants to have a Leonardo DiCaprio moment and take a pic of himself standing on the bow of the ship screaming "I'm top of the world!". Most guy's wont admit it, but it's true.
I'v seen the movie about 20 times this week, just to prepare myself for any eventuality. The first thing I intend doing on boarding the ship is to have a word with the look-out guy. If he doesn't spot an iceberg in time and we happen to hit one, I'm coming to look for him and I'm going to hit him on the head with my laptop. Then I'm going to look for that Hero fellow and throw him overboard, and say "Start swimming wise guy!"

Ok, time to pack.
I'm hoping for some signal while cruising so I can blog and post pics.
If not, this is the last you will hear from me until two Mondays from today.
Cherio folks!!

Ps: I'm also packing a pocket-chainsaw, because Leonardo almost didn't make it when he was handcuffed downstairs and couldn't cut that chain! I'm not taking any chances.