Thursday, November 11, 2010

Juju Friday, or "Monkeys Are People Too" Day


Remember this face. Some day it's going to be on T-shirts and cartoons and everybody will want to use it as their avatar.
Oh wait! That day has arrived, and it's today! (well technically tomorrow, unless you're reading this on Saturday, in which case it would be yesterday.)

This is the leader of the ANC Yoot Lig. Of course you already knew that.
His name is Julius Malema, but we like to call him Juju.
Our country's heroes have come up through the struggle ranks having being beaten, jailed, exiled and tortured in order to gain the freedom we currently enjoy as South Africans.
Years later there was a little boy who failed Matric and got 20% for woodwork, and decided that these credentials were sufficient to lead the youth of our beautiful land forward in the struggle heading into the 21st century. Juju has been a leader of exemplary standing. He has looked north in the direction of our neighbours and applauded the sterling work being done by Robert Mugabe and his Zanu-PF henchmen. I always wondered what PF stood for, until I Googled it and found out it meant "Presidential Fucktards".

Juju has his hand firmly grasped on the seat of power within the ANC junior ranks, so firmly grasped in fact that he was recently diagnosed with Tendernitis. An acute inflammation of the monetary passage. He has visions of some day replacing Jacob Zuma as Head Of State. A prospect so daunting it's mere mention sends our Stock Exchange into a downward spiral.
There's a beautiful story of Julius and his meeting with the Pope a few years back.

The Pope and Julius Malema were on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned toward Julius and said "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but it will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice!" 

Julius looked at the Pope and replied, "I seriously doubt that. You can make them wild with joy just with one little wave of your hand? Show me."


So the Pope slapped him....

I guess the guy just has a way of putting his foot in his mouth every time he opens it.
I've travelled and lived abroad and can honestly say that I have never come across any politician in the world who has a knack for getting more and more people to detest and ridicule him every chance they get. George W. Bush comes close, but I think Juju would still beat George in a showdown for most ridiculous politician.

A friend of mine told me about Julius Malema drinking water from a fountain in the centre of the city. An official happened to walk by and stopped to tell him, "Hey, kyk hier. Moenie daai water drink nie! Daar's bollie en poop in die water!" So Julius looked at the official and said "I'm Julius Malema. Speak English you bloody bastard agent!" and the guy replied, "Oh sorry Sir. I was just saying you must use two hands, you can drink more like that."

He could very well be leader of our nation some day, and for that reason I will refrain from making jokes about him. I don't want to end up buried in cement under a statue of the guy somewhere in Melrose Arch some time in the future. Speaking of statues, I heard recently that he wanted to learn more about other cultures and societies within the country. He was taken on a tour of Chinatown in Johannesburg, where he met with some of the Asian cultural leaders. They took him on a tour of their historic buildings, one of which included the Chinese Museum.
He came across a statue of a Bhuddist monk and leaned on it, breaking the arm.
The Chinese were horrified, and shouted "Thats a 500 year old statue you just broke!"
To which Julius replied "Oh thank God! I thought it was a new statue."

Julius Malema is like a pole turtle, 

What is a pole turtle you might ask,
Well the first thing you ask yourself when you see the image of a turtle on a pole is,
How the fuck did that thing get up there? 
And the turtle himself has no idea what to do while up there.
And what really intrigues you is what possessed someone to put it up there in the first place.