Sunday, December 26, 2010

Boxing Day Chronicles

Boxing Day and I decided to play a round of golf since the weather was looking superb. By 6:30am I was on the tee-box waiting for my opponent to arrive. I had no idea who it would be since I booked my golf game online.
It wasn't the guy in the pic above, in case you were wondering.

It turned out to be a guy named Clive who had come straight from a Christmas party.
Let me say that again in case you didn't get it the first time.
Clive had come straight to the golf course, from a Christmas party!

The party apparently ended at 5am, whereupon our intrepid golfer went home to collect his golf bag and shoes, and then headed to the golf course. I only suspected that he was drunk when he came dressed in a tie... and a stained golf shirt... oh and the distinct smell of alcohol within a 10m radius of the guy... and also the fact that he called me Kowloon instead of Kaloo twice before he even hit his first ball. Did I mention that he stumbled onto the tee-box and farted while bending down to place his ball?
Most of my posts on the blog have a small degree of fiction in them.
Not this one.
I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

It turned out that it would just be the two of us, instead of the usual four players.
You would be amazed by how much you can learn about a person during a round of golf.
Clive is a nurse and he broke up with his girlfriend two days before Christmas. Her names Stacey. I think she must be a real bitch because he called her that at least 36 times... thats an average of twice for every hole we played. Stacey dumped him because he spent their holiday money on a Sony Playstation. How insensitive of her!? Bitch!

I'm no drinker so I don't know too much about alcohol poisoning, but thankfully with Clive being a nurse he accurately diagnosed himself with having the said affliction. I only know this because at the 4th hole he went behind a tree to take a pee, and 30 seconds later he started screaming like a girl. I asked him whats wrong and he said he thought he had alcohol poisoning. The next obvious question was "How do you know this?" and he replied with "It smells like battery acid and looks like Oros." He was talking about his pee.
Did I mention that this is a true story?
Now you're probably wondering what the pic above has to do with anything.
Well, at the end of our game one of the cleaning ladies walked out of the ladies room as we were about to walk into the mens locker rooms. She carried with her a bucket and a mop, as cleaning ladies usually do, and greeted us with a toothy "Good morning Sir."
Clive told her that her mop looked really hot on her. She almost hit him with it. I didn't want to be a witness to sexual harassment, so I ran into the mensroom.

The scary part of this story is that he beat me at golf.
I'd like to see him do that when he's sober!