Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Putting The 'Pro' In Procrastination

It's 5:45pm, and usually around this time I've just arrived home from my version of a hard days work, and I'm about to plonk myself on the sofa in anticipation of a hot meal from the missus. Sabreen would be running around me in a frenzy as she tries to dodge my kisses, and sometime before 7pm my phone would ring with the last client of the day wanting to ask something of absolutely no importance but just happy to hear my voice; because hearing my voice means that everything is ok and his project is in good hands. Also, it means that the world can continue spinning on it's axis and the Universe is safe for another day.

Did I just make myself sound like Superman?
Hahaha, sometimes I can be so vain and pompous.

So anyways, today was supposed to be a working day, but everybody knows Superman does what Superman wants to do. Notice that Superman now refers to himself in the third person. If you stick around long enough, Superman will begin speaking about himself in the fourth person! Not even Chuck Norris knows how to pull that off.
If you've been reading my blog for longer than a month, you will have noticed a certain bias toward content that is soul-searching, powerful, insightful and inciteful. (That last word was made up by myself. I know it cant be a real word because as I wrote it, spellcheck put a red line underneath it. Spellcheck also put a red line under 'Spellcheck', so in all honesty I'm doubting the integrity of Spellcheck.)

Here's what's been happening in the news this week.

Afriforum took Julius Malema to court for hateful speech.
I always thought Afriforum was a group of farmers producing apples. Turns out they are a group fighting social injustices wherever they may come across it. They're like the Superman for minorities. If you're a foreigner wondering who 'Julius Malema' is, just Google "Donkey from Shrek". I'm not sure who's going to win the lawsuit, but I just wish the people would stop Toyi-Toying outside court. It makes white people nervous, and when white people get nervous, the interest rate goes up and confidence in the country goes down. That's my observation anyways.

Wednesday is another public holiday. Freedom Day.
How many public holiday's does a country as small as ours need? Seriously, if the DA wins the elections and the ANC gets booted out of power, we're going to have public holidays like "Helen Zille's Botox Day", "Patricia De Lilles Ugly Dress Day" and "Tony Leons Day Of Thunder". We'll be permanently on holiday, and for an Indian Capitalist like myself, that's not a good thing. I think the powers that be were really daft when they decided on a date for Freedom Day.
Good Friday, then the weekend, then Easter Monday or whatever it's called, then a working day on Tuesday, and Freedom Day on Wednesday, followed by working days on Thursday and Friday! Seriously, how many people are going to be sober on Tuesday and Thursday? This will probably be the most unproductive week in the entire calendar.
That's the problem with this country. No planning. No think-tank sitting around a polished cherrywood boardroom table going "Whoa! Wait a minute. Lets apply our minds to this holiday date."
Which brings me to my next point.

SABC manager Ed Worster says they are striving to understand their audience.
Well Mr Worster, your audience is currently watching DSTV. They haven't watched your crappy national broadcasters 3 limping stations for a few years now. Those dwindling numbers you see belong to your inflated staff members who are exempt from paying TV Licences, and feel a sense of solidarity and loyalty to your stations. The truth though is that the SABC is going down like the Titanic, and you and your board members are like the band that keeps on playing. As a government mouthpiece, you have lost credibility and trust with your viewership long before Snuki Zikalala decided to turn the public broadcaster into his personal playpen.
As for solutions, you won't find any until you start listening to what the people want, and give it to them.
Fire everybody in that cesspool you call a corporation. Keep the cleaners because they seem to be the only lot who know how to keep crap out of the doors. Get competent people who are not aligned to political parties. Lastly, fire yourself for being a douchebag and then send an email to the ANC saying "Aish baas, this idea of running the country via peoples TV's is not working."
Failing that, people will continue to watch DSTV or simply resort to no TV at all, watching pirate DVD's passed around every citizen in the country like the common cold.
Also, this idea of TV Licence's is bollocks. Why should I pay a TV Licence if I don't watch anything you produce?
If I go to Spur and order a steak, they don't charge me for chicken also, simply because they sell chicken! I don't want chicken, therefore I don't pay for chicken. I want steak and I'll pay for steak dammit! That's why I'm paying for DSTV. That's my steak. Keep you chicken.

The Royal Wedding
Lets be honest here. After Princess Diana's wedding, nobody really gives a crap about another Royal Wedding. Prince William could marry one of the Hyenas from The Lion King and nobody would bat an eyelid. For crying out loud, his father already did and nobody cared!
I think Kate is a lovely girl, but these days everybody is just waiting for the sex-scandal tape to come out.
I remember Princess Diana's wedding as a youngster in school, watching it in class and thinking "Wow! Princess's do exist!"
Then I saw Charles and thought "Damn, when does that frog turn human?"
So I'm happy for Willy and Kate and I'm sure they're going to have beautiful kids and make the Queen mother proud, but I'll be playing golf on the day thank you very much.
What's the Queen Mother's role anyways? She looks like her sole job is to be a walking catalogue for JC Penny. And what's up with those hats? Is she bald underneath them?
I tweeted earlier about how awesome it would be if William was getting married to an Indian girl instead of Kate.

Here's my Top Ten Reasons Why William Marrying A Moodley Would Be Fun
1) Lady Parvati Moodley sounds a lot more interesting than Lady Kate
2) As soon as William announced the wedding date, his in-laws would have picked out his suit & turban.
3) The colour scheme for the wedding would be purple & silver.

4) The Royal Wedding Dish would be Lamb Biryani, with a side-dish of potato samoosas.
5) Williams in-laws would move into Buckingham Palace within a month of the wedding.
6) The rest of the Moodley clan from India & Durban would move in a few weeks later.
7) William and Parvati will holiday every year at the Moodleys holiday home in Tongaat.
8) The wedding song played at Westminster Abbey will be sung by Shah Rukh Khan
9) Within 3 weeks, Williams mother-in-law will have called the Queen Mother "a dirty gora"
10) Lastly, William will work with Parvati's father in his tailor-shop.



Well folks, there you have it.
Time for me to enjoy a hearty supper. Lets hope that idiot delivery guy from Mochachos doesn't get lost this time!