Someone I've known for a while now and who by pure circumstance has become a really good friend sent me this link earlier today.
The Social Media Sabbatical
We'd been discussing the virtues and perils of being too exposed on social media, and as a self-confessed attention whore I never really thought there was much downside to being "Out there."
Recent events made me think otherwise.
Lately there has been a spate of Facebook clonings which poses security risks of unprecedented levels. Imagine having your entire Facebook account cloned, and then have the perpetrator send out messages from your account requesting urgent financial help or worse still, have them set up casual meetings under your name only to injure or harm your friends when they arrive.
Scary?
Absolutely.
Scarier is that it's already happened and is still happening. Note the number of people urging their Facebook friends not to respond to requests for money or help if they received such messages.
Maybe not as dangerous but certainly equally scary if not scarier are the twisted perceptions friends or followers of yours on social media networks portray of you to others.
I've never shied away from the fact that I'm an extrovert and a borderline flirt. I use that word 'borderline' loosely, but it certainly doesn't make me loose by character.
Imagine my surprise when I found out through newly acquired friends that there were some out there who were portraying my tweets and status updates as having deeper and more sinister meanings than what I, the author of those tweets and status updates, had intended?!
I found myself subconsciously scrutinizing my written word. I'd think twice before posting anything online, be it on Twitter or Facebook or my blog. I found myself censoring myself, and I hated it. I hated it as much as I hate censorship. I hated it because it made me realize how trivial people can be when it comes to friendship.
Mostly, it made me realize that simply because Twitter says you have 1200 followers it by no means indicates that 1200 people like or respect you.
It made me realize that simply because Facebook says you have 1000 friends, you should never fool yourself into thinking that they're all your friends.
There were some hard lessons learnt lately. Right up on the top of that list of lessons learnt is that those who preach and pretend to be decent and good human beings, are in fact masking some serious character flaws.
If you have to quote scripture to exemplify your goodness, the truth is that you're probably a really shitty human being to start off with.
Growing up, my mom always said that if I keep finding fault in my friends and people I regard as dear and close to me, and I keep having to change my inner circle, than the problem is probably not them, but me.
No truer word has been spoken in relation to friendship.
So I contemplated taking the social media sabbatical.
I thought about it for quite some time. I even slowed down on my online activity.
Until tonight when I realized that by doing so, I would be succumbing to the very ideology I detest. I would be succumbing to censorship of the worst order.
I would be succumbing to censorship by those I once considered dear friends.
I'll be a tad more circumspect and cautious, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be silenced!
Politics. Entertainment. News. Product Reviews. Finance. Sex and Scandals. I know nothing about any of these. Views are my own. Well mostly. Also I hate stupid people. And cats. But mostly stupid people.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
The Tale Of Two Faces
I soon realized that people have a tendency to be complete arseholes in real life while pretending to be Holier-Than-Thou Saints, especially on social networks.
Now I'm never shy to admit to being a sinner. Heck I wear that badge with pride, because I'm no hypocrite and I never preach to the choir. I do however take serious exception to those who question and criticize others, worse still when it's done behind the veil of religion and scripture, while knowing full well that their own doorsteps are far from clean.
Maybe I'd be more understanding if they realized their shortcomings and did the noble thing by apologizing for being two-faced.
Maybe I'd be more understanding if they simply acknowledged their oversight.
Maybe.
I guess it's not that easy when the line between your real self and your fake self is blurred.
When you look in the mirror, how do you decide between which face to apply lipstick to and which face to slap?
Here ends the rant :)
Monday, May 13, 2013
Let Him Who Has Not Sinned...
I feel like I've started almost every blog post with the same opening line: "What an interesting weekend that was!"
So this post will be slightly different.
Damn! That was one exciting weekend!
On Saturday night I found my new favourite restaurant. Yes I know my favourite restaurant keeps changing every month, and yes I'd probably make a half-decent food critic given the chance, but I do enjoy a good meal even if I am spoilt with having exactly that at home.
Ottoman Palace at the Turkish Mosque complex in Midrand served up the kind of lamb that would make any lamb proud to be on a platter next to some hummus and Turkish bread. Even Bambi would be like "Damn that was some fine lamb!"
Now if you've been following me on Twitter (@kaloo5) you would know that for months now I have been singing the praises of India Coffee House in Fordsburg. That all came to an abrupt end this Sunday past when their service reached such shockingly low standards, I was tempted to march into their kitchen and cook up my own korma with rice. I understand it was Mother's Day and they were busier than usual, but to have the waiter promise you your ginger drink on 5, yes five separate occasions and still not have it brought to my table an hour and 30 minutes after having arrived, is quite unacceptable. I was busy settling the bill when he finally realized his mistake.
I don't care that he then served up 8 desserts on the house.
I don't care that he didn't charge for any of the numerous drinks on the bill.
I don't care that he brought complimentary masala tea's to make up for his mistake.
I'm not that easily bought.
So India Coffee House gets a massive Thumbs Down from me!
Just when I thought my weekend could not get any more dramatic (for lack of a better word), a friend and fellow blogger wrote a piece about Rock Concerts.
Well in truth the piece was more about Muslims attending rock concerts unashamedly, and then posting the details all over the social media forums.
Needless to say, opinions on both sides of the divide were unleashed like a pack of wolves upon an injured bear. I say 'bear' because bears are generally brave, and know full well when they're about to go into battle, and are quite capable of defending themselves when in battle. They never back down, they never run away, and you never see them cowering behind the bushes.
I'm not sure what this bear intends doing now that the wolves have been unleashed.
If it acts like a bear, and growls like a bear, than it should be a bear when the need arises. That is after all, the simple bear necessities.
GGRRRR!!! ;)
Sunday night ended with a raging debate on Twitter over land reform issues in this country (South Africa for my foreign readers).
Well I call it a raging debate. My opponent seemed to be more on a racist rant than in a debate.
His solution to tackling the intricate and complex land reform issue: simply grab it from all non-blacks in the country. If people protest and try to defend their constitutional rights, send them back to their countries of origin!
In short, his view was that Africa belonged to black Africans, and nobody else.
Oh, did I mention that while he was throwing his spears and knobkerries at every colonialist and foreigner within earshot, he forgot to mention that his middle name was Lloyd?
That's the beauty of the Internet. If you enter through these doors and try to pick a fight, you can't do it anonymously.
So when I called him out on his clearly English name, he suddenly changed tact and said he'd have it removed or changed at some point.
Nicely played Lloyd.
Come to a gunfight armed with a plastic teaspoon.
Here's to another exciting weekend :)
So this post will be slightly different.
Damn! That was one exciting weekend!
On Saturday night I found my new favourite restaurant. Yes I know my favourite restaurant keeps changing every month, and yes I'd probably make a half-decent food critic given the chance, but I do enjoy a good meal even if I am spoilt with having exactly that at home.
Ottoman Palace at the Turkish Mosque complex in Midrand served up the kind of lamb that would make any lamb proud to be on a platter next to some hummus and Turkish bread. Even Bambi would be like "Damn that was some fine lamb!"
Now if you've been following me on Twitter (@kaloo5) you would know that for months now I have been singing the praises of India Coffee House in Fordsburg. That all came to an abrupt end this Sunday past when their service reached such shockingly low standards, I was tempted to march into their kitchen and cook up my own korma with rice. I understand it was Mother's Day and they were busier than usual, but to have the waiter promise you your ginger drink on 5, yes five separate occasions and still not have it brought to my table an hour and 30 minutes after having arrived, is quite unacceptable. I was busy settling the bill when he finally realized his mistake.
I don't care that he then served up 8 desserts on the house.
I don't care that he didn't charge for any of the numerous drinks on the bill.
I don't care that he brought complimentary masala tea's to make up for his mistake.
I'm not that easily bought.
So India Coffee House gets a massive Thumbs Down from me!
Just when I thought my weekend could not get any more dramatic (for lack of a better word), a friend and fellow blogger wrote a piece about Rock Concerts.
Well in truth the piece was more about Muslims attending rock concerts unashamedly, and then posting the details all over the social media forums.
Needless to say, opinions on both sides of the divide were unleashed like a pack of wolves upon an injured bear. I say 'bear' because bears are generally brave, and know full well when they're about to go into battle, and are quite capable of defending themselves when in battle. They never back down, they never run away, and you never see them cowering behind the bushes.
I'm not sure what this bear intends doing now that the wolves have been unleashed.
If it acts like a bear, and growls like a bear, than it should be a bear when the need arises. That is after all, the simple bear necessities.
GGRRRR!!! ;)
Sunday night ended with a raging debate on Twitter over land reform issues in this country (South Africa for my foreign readers).
Well I call it a raging debate. My opponent seemed to be more on a racist rant than in a debate.
His solution to tackling the intricate and complex land reform issue: simply grab it from all non-blacks in the country. If people protest and try to defend their constitutional rights, send them back to their countries of origin!
In short, his view was that Africa belonged to black Africans, and nobody else.
Oh, did I mention that while he was throwing his spears and knobkerries at every colonialist and foreigner within earshot, he forgot to mention that his middle name was Lloyd?
That's the beauty of the Internet. If you enter through these doors and try to pick a fight, you can't do it anonymously.
So when I called him out on his clearly English name, he suddenly changed tact and said he'd have it removed or changed at some point.
Nicely played Lloyd.
Come to a gunfight armed with a plastic teaspoon.
Here's to another exciting weekend :)
Monday, May 6, 2013
50 Shades Of Brown
I've done a few blog posts on some amazing adventures available to
fellow South Africans right in our own backyards, and this weekends Quad
Biking Trail ranks high up on that list.
Unlike most adventure weekends which require some extensive planning and possibly expensive gear, this weekends adventure was organized in a week and required no more than the love of the outdoors and two platters of chicken tikka. The joys of travelling with Indians :)
The day started off with a brief but important safety talk considering that we were about to mount these massive quad bikes and only a lucky few in our group had ever had the experience of having that much power between our legs. I don't recall all of the safety talk except the bit about "It's not how you stand by your bike, it's how you ride your bike" and the other bit about "When in doubt, accelerate!"
Next it was on to a grazing pasture to familiarize ourselves with the bikes and terrain, and also to get used to the taste of Kudu poop getting flung at you from the bike in front. nomnomnom.....
The best way to experience quad biking in the wild is to ride with your tongue sticking out. That way you get to feel, smell and taste the experience.
The entire ride lasts anywhere between an hour and 30 minutes to 2 hours, depending on how many pain-killers you take and what their dosage is. Since there are set trails to follow, it's almost impossible to get lost. I use that term almost very loosely since two of our intrepid adventurers managed to do exactly that. In Faaiq's defence though, he simply went to look for Shenaaz who had strayed from the path of those whom Thou has favoured and found herself on the path of those who go astray.
Think Adam, Eve and Apple and you'll know what I mean.
I would have been happy to see two or three animals, so you can imagine my surprise when we got to get up close to Zebra, Giraffe, Kudu, Wildebeest and some other spotted beast that looked like a leopard. Maybe a cheetah. I couldn't tell because at the time I was going at full throttle on a steep downhill while chewing a mouthful of Kudu poop.
Unlike most adventure weekends which require some extensive planning and possibly expensive gear, this weekends adventure was organized in a week and required no more than the love of the outdoors and two platters of chicken tikka. The joys of travelling with Indians :)
The day started off with a brief but important safety talk considering that we were about to mount these massive quad bikes and only a lucky few in our group had ever had the experience of having that much power between our legs. I don't recall all of the safety talk except the bit about "It's not how you stand by your bike, it's how you ride your bike" and the other bit about "When in doubt, accelerate!"
Next it was on to a grazing pasture to familiarize ourselves with the bikes and terrain, and also to get used to the taste of Kudu poop getting flung at you from the bike in front. nomnomnom.....
The best way to experience quad biking in the wild is to ride with your tongue sticking out. That way you get to feel, smell and taste the experience.
The entire ride lasts anywhere between an hour and 30 minutes to 2 hours, depending on how many pain-killers you take and what their dosage is. Since there are set trails to follow, it's almost impossible to get lost. I use that term almost very loosely since two of our intrepid adventurers managed to do exactly that. In Faaiq's defence though, he simply went to look for Shenaaz who had strayed from the path of those whom Thou has favoured and found herself on the path of those who go astray.
Think Adam, Eve and Apple and you'll know what I mean.
I would have been happy to see two or three animals, so you can imagine my surprise when we got to get up close to Zebra, Giraffe, Kudu, Wildebeest and some other spotted beast that looked like a leopard. Maybe a cheetah. I couldn't tell because at the time I was going at full throttle on a steep downhill while chewing a mouthful of Kudu poop.
We're always wondering where to go and what to do come the weekend, but with a little bit of effort we suddenly realize how truly blessed we really are to be living in this awesome and amazing country. How many other places in the world afford you the opportunity to drive for less than an hour north to get to nature and the sunny outdoors at it's very best, or 5 hours south and find yourself on a pristine Indian Ocean beach, or maybe even a ski trip in authentic snow in the Drakensberg in less time than it would take to walk through a Dubai shopping mall?
Get yourself a fun group of like-minded people (this lots already taken :) ).
Pack your kit-bag.
Get your butt out there!
You know you had a good time when you get back home and your family don't recognise you because you're two shades darker and one day away from looking like a homeless drunk.
We were like 10 Indians rewriting 50 Shades Of Brown.
Come the end of the day, nothing says 'SANHA Approved Sundowner' quite like Hot Chocolate on a mountain overlooking the Haartebeespoort Dam.
For white folk, that translates to "A moerste lekker weekend without any dop!"
Notice the absence of a cup in my hand. That's because the Hot Chocolate place were out of Hot Chocolate. That's their story and they were sticking by it.
Life's too short to spend it making Bucket Lists. Go out there and start enjoying yourself instead. You can either talk about the adventure, or live it.
What are you waiting for?
GO GO GO!!!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
America's New Definition Of "Terrorism"
Why is Boston 'terrorism' but not Aurora, Sandy Hook, Tucson and Columbine?
Can an act of violence be called 'terrorism' if the motive is unknown?
(updated below)
Two very disparate commentators, Ali Abunimah and Alan Dershowitz, both raised serious questions over the weekend about a claim that has been made over and over about the bombing of the Boston Marathon: namely, that this was an act of terrorism. Dershowitz was on BBC Radio on Saturday and, citing the lack of knowledge about motive, said (at the 3:15 mark): "It's not even clear under the federal terrorist statutes that it qualifies as an act of terrorism." Abunimah wrote a superb analysis of whether the bombing fits the US government's definition of "terrorism", noting that "absolutely no evidence has emerged that the Boston bombing suspects acted 'in furtherance of political or social objectives'" or that their alleged act was 'intended to influence or instigate a course of action that furthers a political or social goal.'" Even a former CIA Deputy Director, Phillip Mudd, said on Fox News on Sunday that at this point the bombing seems more like a common crime than an act of terrorism.
Over the last two years, the US has witnessed at least three other episodes of mass, indiscriminate violence that killed more people than the Boston bombings did: the Tucson shooting by Jared Loughner in which 19 people (including Rep. Gabrielle Giffords) were shot, six of whom died; the Aurora movie theater shooting by James Holmes in which 70 people were shot, 12 of whom died; and the Sandy Hook elementary school shooting by Adam Lanza in which 26 people (20 of whom were children) were shot and killed. The word "terrorism" was almost never used to describe that indiscriminate slaughter of innocent people, and none of the perpetrators of those attacks was charged with terrorism-related crimes. A decade earlier, two high school seniors in Colorado, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, used guns and bombs to murder 12 students and a teacher, and almost nobody called that "terrorism" either.
In the Boston case, however, exactly the opposite dynamic prevails. Particularly since the identity of the suspects was revealed, the word "terrorism" is being used by virtually everyone to describe what happened. After initially (and commendably) refraining from using the word, President Obama has since said that "we will investigate any associations that these terrorists may have had" and then said that "on Monday an act of terror wounded dozens and killed three people at the Boston Marathon". But as Abunimah notes, there is zero evidence that either of the two suspects had any connection to or involvement with any designated terrorist organization.
More significantly, there is no known evidence, at least not publicly available, about their alleged motives. Indeed, Obama himself - in the statement he made to the nation after Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was captured on Friday night - said that "tonight there are still many unanswered questions" and included this "among" those "unanswered questions":
"Why did young men who grew up and studied here, as part of our communities and our country, resort to such violence?"
The overarching principle here should be that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is entitled to a presumption of innocence until he is actually proven guilty. As so many cases have proven - from accused (but exonerated) anthrax attacker Stephen Hatfill to accused (but exonerated) Atlanta Olympic bomber Richard Jewell to dozens if not hundreds of Guantanamo detainees accused of being the "worst of the worst" but who were guilty of nothing - people who appear to be guilty based on government accusations and trials-by-media are often completely innocent. Media-presented evidence is no substitute for due process and an adversarial trial.
But beyond that issue, even those assuming the guilt of the Tsarnaev brothers seem to have no basis at all for claiming that this was an act of "terrorism" in a way that would meaningfully distinguish it from Aurora, Sandy Hook, Tucson and Columbine. All we really know about them in this regard is that they identified as Muslim, and that the older brother allegedly watched extremist YouTube videos and was suspected by the Russian government of religious extremism (by contrast, virtually every person who knew the younger brother has emphatically said that he never evinced political or religious extremism). But as Obama himself acknowledged, we simply do not know what motivated them (Obama: "Tonight there are still many unanswered questions. Among them, why did young men who grew up and studied here, as part of our communities and our country, resort to such violence?").
It's certainly possible that it will turn out that, if they are guilty, their prime motive was political or religious. But it's also certainly possible that it wasn't: that it was some combination of mental illness, societal alienation, or other form of internal instability and rage that is apolitical in nature. Until their motive is known, how can this possibly be called "terrorism"? Can acts of violence be deemed "terrorism" without knowing the motive?
This is far more than a semantic question. Whether something is or is not "terrorism" has very substantial political implications, and very significant legal consequences as well. The word "terrorism" is, at this point, one of the most potent in our political lexicon: it single-handedly ends debates, ratchets up fear levels, and justifies almost anything the government wants to do in its name. It's hard not to suspect that the only thing distinguishing the Boston attack from Tucson, Aurora, Sandy Hook and Columbine (to say nothing of the US "shock and awe" attack on Baghdad and the mass killings in Fallujah) is that the accused Boston attackers are Muslim and the other perpetrators are not. As usual, what terrorism really means in American discourse - its operational meaning - is: violence by Muslims against Americans and their allies. For the manipulative use of the word "terrorism", see the scholarship of NYU's Remi Brulin and the second-to-last section here.
I was on Democracy Now this morning discussing many of these issues, as well as the legal and civil libertarian concerns raised by this case, and that segment can be viewed here (a transcript will be posted here later today):
UPDATE
Andrew Sullivan, back in his fight-the-jihadis mode, proclaims that - unlike President Obama - he knows exactly why the Tsarnaev brothers attacked Boston. "Of Course it Was Jihad", he declares in his headline, and adds that it was "an almost text-book case of Jihadist radicalization, most likely in the US." He then accuses me "veer[ing] into left-liberal self-parody" for suggesting today that the evidence is lacking to make this claim.
But in trying to negate my point, Andrew instead demonstrates its truth. The only evidence he can point to shows that the older brother, Tamerlan, embraced a radical version of Islam, something I already noted. But - rather obviously - to prove that someone who commits violence is Muslim is not the same as proving that Islam was the prime motive for the violence (just as the aggressive attack by devout evangelical George Bush on Iraq was not proof of a rejuvenation of the Christian crusades, the attack by Timothy McVeigh was not proof of IRA violence, Israeli aggression is not proof that Judaism is the prime motivator of those wars, and the mass murder spree by homosexual Andrew Cunanan was not evidence that homosexuality motivated the violence). Islam or some related political ideology may have been the motive driving Tamerlan, as I acknowledge, but it also may not have been. You have to produce evidence showing motive. You can't just assert it and demand that everyone accept it on faith. Specifically, to claim this is terrorism (in a way that those other incidents of mass murder at Aurora, Sandy Hook, Tucson and Columbine were not), you have to identify the "political or social objective" the violence was intended to promote: what was that political or social objective here? Andrew doesn't have the slightest idea.
But this proves the point: "terrorism" does not have any real meaning other than "a Muslim who commits violence against America and its allies", so as soon as a Muslim commits violence, there is an automatic decree that it is "terrorism" even though no such assumption arises from similar acts committed by non-Muslims. That is precisely my point. (About the younger brother, Andrew asserts that "the stoner kid [] got caught up in his brother's religious fanaticism" but he has no evidence at all that this is true, and indeed, his friends say almost uniformly that he never evinced any religious fanaticism).
The most bizarre statement from Andrew is also quite revealing: "but does Glenn wonder why Tamerlan thought it was ok to beat his wife, whom he demanded convert to Islam?" In case Andrew doesn't know, domestic violence in the US is at epidemic levels, and the overwhelming majority of men who abuse women have nothing whatsoever to do with Islam. Yet with this claim, Andrew simply assumes that any bad act done by a Muslim - even a bad act committed mostly by non-Muslims - must be caused by Islam, even though he has no evidence to prove this. This irrational, evidence-free assumption of causation that Andrew so perfectly illustrates here (any bad act committed by a Muslim is, ipso facto, motivated by religious or political Islam) is precisely what I was describing and denouncing. And it only rears its ugly head when the perpetrator is Muslim.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Cock-Eyed Family Reunions
This weekend's family reunion will be remembered for many awesome moments, and high up on that list will be the conversation I had in a crowded hall with a cock-eyed relative. I can't mention the name of the relative since I'd still like to regard my home and marriage as being a happy one.
The buffet table was laden with delicious meals that would have made a Masterchef contestant proud. I happened to be standing next to a mountain of superbly grilled prawns when I was approached by said squinty-eyed relative. Usually I'm pretty calm under these types of circumstances.
Usually.
Probably because these random meetings with squinty relatives or people in general never usually happens in crowded halls where you suddenly become conscious of your every move.
Like when he sticks his hand out to shake yours and you're not sure if you should grab his hand or follow his eyes which are looking at your crotch.
Also, are they really looking at your crotch?
And what if he's not really sticking his hand out to shake yours, but maybe the hand of the guy standing next to you?
I'd like to think that I'm sensitive to people with a squinty disposition in life.
Squinty is politically correct, not so? I don't know. That's another thing.
What's the right term for people who look East but go West? I really don't know.
I met a guy a few years ago who suddenly became squint after a camping accident. He was never squint before. I know because he was in school with me. Suddenly I meet him years later and his eyes are all over the place, like a heroine addict trying Tik for the first time and his brain is on overdrive. He made me really nervous. I found myself darting my own eyes all over the place. I didn't even know what I was supposed to be looking out for. Cops maybe? A sudden hand expecting a hand-shake? I don't know.
So of course I tried to calm down and make conversation, and I asked him "So when did you become cock-eyed?"
Turns out the term 'cock-eyed' isn't really politically correct. But then nobody tells you what the politically correct term is. They just tell you whats not polite to say. Tell me what is the polite term and I'll use that instead.
Anyways, cock-eyed is not polite.
Squint apparently is borderline.
Wonky and ZigZag are still pending. Personally I'd only use the word Wonky if the owner of wonky-eyes was smaller built than I am. If a guy like Mike Tyson met me in a dark alley with wonky eyes, I wouldn't even mention them. I'd talk about his shoes instead.
Back to this cock-eyed relative.
I finally grabbed his hand, shook it and kept telling myself "Don't look him in the eye."
But that's the whole point of these encounters. It's like saying "Don't look at the elephant in the room." Say it out loud and suddenly everybody is looking for the elephant in the room.
So you know how when you speak to people with accents, invariably you end up speaking slightly differently yourself? Almost as though you were trying to compensate for something?
Well there I was trying to focus both my eyeballs on the tip of my nose for no good reason other than to make him feel comfortable. Don't ask me to explain that.
5 minutes later I had this crazy headache from all the squinting I was doing, and he asked me if I was OK.
You know things aren't going too well when a squinty-eyed guy thinks there's something wrong with you.
If you're reading this post right now and know what the correct term is, please won't you inform me.
Until then I'm staying away from all social gatherings that may include wonks or zigzags.
The buffet table was laden with delicious meals that would have made a Masterchef contestant proud. I happened to be standing next to a mountain of superbly grilled prawns when I was approached by said squinty-eyed relative. Usually I'm pretty calm under these types of circumstances.
Usually.
Probably because these random meetings with squinty relatives or people in general never usually happens in crowded halls where you suddenly become conscious of your every move.
Like when he sticks his hand out to shake yours and you're not sure if you should grab his hand or follow his eyes which are looking at your crotch.
Also, are they really looking at your crotch?
And what if he's not really sticking his hand out to shake yours, but maybe the hand of the guy standing next to you?
I'd like to think that I'm sensitive to people with a squinty disposition in life.
Squinty is politically correct, not so? I don't know. That's another thing.
What's the right term for people who look East but go West? I really don't know.
I met a guy a few years ago who suddenly became squint after a camping accident. He was never squint before. I know because he was in school with me. Suddenly I meet him years later and his eyes are all over the place, like a heroine addict trying Tik for the first time and his brain is on overdrive. He made me really nervous. I found myself darting my own eyes all over the place. I didn't even know what I was supposed to be looking out for. Cops maybe? A sudden hand expecting a hand-shake? I don't know.
So of course I tried to calm down and make conversation, and I asked him "So when did you become cock-eyed?"
Turns out the term 'cock-eyed' isn't really politically correct. But then nobody tells you what the politically correct term is. They just tell you whats not polite to say. Tell me what is the polite term and I'll use that instead.
Anyways, cock-eyed is not polite.
Squint apparently is borderline.
Wonky and ZigZag are still pending. Personally I'd only use the word Wonky if the owner of wonky-eyes was smaller built than I am. If a guy like Mike Tyson met me in a dark alley with wonky eyes, I wouldn't even mention them. I'd talk about his shoes instead.
Back to this cock-eyed relative.
I finally grabbed his hand, shook it and kept telling myself "Don't look him in the eye."
But that's the whole point of these encounters. It's like saying "Don't look at the elephant in the room." Say it out loud and suddenly everybody is looking for the elephant in the room.
So you know how when you speak to people with accents, invariably you end up speaking slightly differently yourself? Almost as though you were trying to compensate for something?
Well there I was trying to focus both my eyeballs on the tip of my nose for no good reason other than to make him feel comfortable. Don't ask me to explain that.
5 minutes later I had this crazy headache from all the squinting I was doing, and he asked me if I was OK.
You know things aren't going too well when a squinty-eyed guy thinks there's something wrong with you.
If you're reading this post right now and know what the correct term is, please won't you inform me.
Until then I'm staying away from all social gatherings that may include wonks or zigzags.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Who Moved My Olives?
The very nature of an Olive Branch, especially a transcendental one, is that they usually only ever get offered once.
Miss that opportunity to accept and you may as well assume one was never offered in the first place.
So it was with much amusement to see an ex-friend make a half-arsed feeble attempt at trying to accept an olive branch that was long burnt and reduced to ashes. I don't have enough tissues for people and their issues.
In other news, the long-awaited Home Renovation Project is finally underway.
I've simply had too much on my plate to remain focused, but if it doesn't get started now I'm afraid it never will.... Watch this space for pics to follow.
Miss that opportunity to accept and you may as well assume one was never offered in the first place.
So it was with much amusement to see an ex-friend make a half-arsed feeble attempt at trying to accept an olive branch that was long burnt and reduced to ashes. I don't have enough tissues for people and their issues.
In other news, the long-awaited Home Renovation Project is finally underway.
I've simply had too much on my plate to remain focused, but if it doesn't get started now I'm afraid it never will.... Watch this space for pics to follow.
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