Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Follicles Of Fareed

What a week it's been!
Yes yes I know I haven't blogged in dayyyzzz (BOOM!) but it's been a rather eventful few days and since I know how you guys love sleazy stories by the bucketful, I thought I'd save all those fun tales for this post.

So without further ado...

The missus has started a new diet in preparation for the December holidays, and her annual girly-holiday in November. This year she goes with her girlfriend to Seychelles. Then it's off to Cape Town for a few weeks in December with us commoners, also referred to as 'The Family". I quite like the idea that she takes time off once a year to just hang with her girlfriends, or most often just our very dear friend Sabeen from Dubai.


Anyways back to this diet she's on. As I said earlier, she goes on some or other crazy weight-loss program around September each year, and this usually coincides with my sudden period of weight-gain.
I finally figured out why that is.
When she does the weekly grocery shopping, she gets tempted by all these amazingly fattening treats like chocolate and dessert and pastry's and ice-cream which her diet obviously does not permit. So the next logical thing to do is buy these products and watch me consume them on her behalf. Somehow, this satisfies her craving. I'm pretty sure you can see the problem from my side though....



I used to weigh around 75kg when we first got married, and ever since I've become rather healthier as the years went by. So healthy in fact that I've went up a pants size at least once every three years. Now normally this would be cause for concern, but what I can't understand is how my weight has remained at 75kg's!
I kid you not!
It's almost like I'm magically getting rounder each year, without actually putting on any weight!
I have noticed that my pants keep getting longer though. I'm not sure if the two are related.



Now I've never been one for diets. Personally, and this is really just a personal opinion, I think that all diets are hoax's. Unless you're into a serious exercise routine combined with healthy eating, any other variation of popping pills while sitting on your sofa watching TV and eating pizza cannot be called a diet. I've come across some amazing diets in my time. The thing that made them truly amazing was the fact that people were actually trying these diets out!
Think And Get Thin!
Really?
That's the title of an actual diet book, in case you were wondering.
I wonder if there's a Think And Get Fat book too?


I used to be a pretty fat kid when I was young. It never really bothered me. I kind of grew into my body. I also developed a sharp tongue and some serious sarcasm growing up. So when I lost the weight and kept the sharp tongue and sarcasm, it was like I had won the lottery. Suddenly I was the popular guy to be around. Of course there were those who weren't as lucky. They developed the wit and sarcasm and kept the fat. That's like hitting the Lotto and the Powerball and being told that it's against your religion to gamble.
Sure it sucks, but let's be honest.... plumpy kids are the most fun to be around, even when they grow into adults.
I'm allowed to say these things without offending anybody, because I was born thin, became a plumpy kid, lost it in my teenage years, and grew it all back on after marriage. There isn't a weight stage I haven't been through.


Last year I was chatting to a friend of mine who was on a Lemonade Diet.
You can Google it.
All she drank was lemonade every single morning for breakfast, then a light snack for lunch, and lemonade again for dinner.
She was such a sour bitch.
True story.



I think the worst must be when you go from being totally obese to extremely skinny. In your head you must still think of yourself as an obese person, but in reality you're actually an Ethiopian. Like when somebody needs a door barged open. You think you're hefty enough to get the job done in one plumpy push, except the door smacks you right back like Woody Allen in the ring with Mike Tyson.
I've seen people who were obese suddenly become thin in a matter of weeks and months. They don't look comfortable in their bodies at all. It's like they've lost a part of themselves. Well they have, but you know what I mean. Oversize people just seem happier. They're so much more comfortable with their bodies. I guess that's what makes them so happy all the time.



This must be the most politically incorrect post I've ever written.
But I'm just saying it as I see it. Besides, some of the thinnest people I know are also the craziest bitches alive, and I don't use that word often or lightly. They just are though. It's like they're always miserable and hungry and miserable. Did I mention miserable?
I'm almost tempted to take a doughnut and shut their pie-holes when I hear them mumbling and grumbling about life in general. That's the other thing. They don't even need a reason to be grumpy. Thin people grumble at almost anything. Fat people moan about something and move on. Thin people get stuck in the moan-zone and they become like Tata Indica's stuck in a puddle of water. You almost have to get in there and kickstart them out of it. Usually with a swift wallop on the head with a celery stick.


So to all my friends reading this blog (and there may not be many by the end of it) all I'd like to say is, I wouldn't change anything about myself, and all the friends I have and know are perfect just the way they are too. No need to change anything about yourselves either.
Ok cupcakes?
You're special and that's exactly how I love you.
Yes you and you and you. (Oprah moment...)

Dammit. I had an ending in my head and now it's gone... eaten like a doughnut in a police station!

Oh yes... this blog was inspired by my good friend Azra