When I first started this blog, it was never intended to tackle or address any serious issues. It was always meant to be light-hearted and an escape from reality.
I've come to realize that there has been a slow and steady metamorphosis, and while I hope I haven't completely lost the humour aspect, I do realize that it's taken on a much more serious note.
Tonight's post is a point in case.
I have a very dear friend whom I've known for about 10 years now. I say 'have' but the reality is that 'had' would be more accurate.
In the 10 year's that I know her, I've watched her slowly but surely lose her self-confidence and pride as it was methodically chipped away by her husband. He has a drinking problem. This was an issue for her which they were managing within their marriage. I say 'managing' but she will be the first to admit that it was more a case of accepting that he would not acknowledge having a problem, and she was forced to hide it.
Last year things took a turn for the worse.
He got caught cheating on her, with a family member. Her brother's wife.
Now one would imagine that a successful guy, a professional in his field of IT, would have a little bit of common sense and a slightly higher IQ than most, and acknowledge that he screwed up and try his level best to make amends.
Not our intrepid loser.
He decided in a moment of brilliance that his best defence would be to start accusing her of having had an affair too, with everybody and anybody under the sun. He tried to play the Victim card.
At one point, even I got accused. Unfortunately for him, I'm one of those men who doesn't play games and smells a rat before it even knows its a rat. I let him know that I'm onto his ploy, and that it wasn't going to work.
He'd go on drinking binges, emotionally abuse her, accuse her, their two kids would be traumatized, she'd end up crying, he'd be too drunk to care, and then they'd wake up in the morning to have him apologise and swear he'd never do it again.
Until the next night.
And the next.
And the next.
Through all of this, she'd speak to me and ask for advice and look for support. I did the best I could but knew that she needed professional help. He refused to go. She went alone. She ended up in hospital from a near nervous breakdown.
He didn't change.
Finally she decided that she had enough, and left on Monday intending to spend two weeks at a retreat for abused women.
She's back home tonight.
She was away for a total of 1 night.
Apparently he called saying he's sorry.
He didn't eat all day.
She says she needed to go back home. Her family needs her.
I wonder how much help she'd be to her family if, God forbid, she collapsed tomorrow from a nervous breakdown or heart-attack? I wonder if her husband will starve because nobody made him a sandwich?
I told her I needed to close the door on our friendship.
If she's not willing to help herself, I cannot help her, try as I might.
Am I a bad friend, or am I just someone who cares enough to walk away in the hope that she opens her eyes before it's too late?
i'l walk away coz there's only so many times u can bang ur head on the wall.
ReplyDeleteon the other hand, people say u should never give up...one day that person will see the light, etc.
just as she goes back to the abuse, she'l want need someone as the fall-back guy (which was u). will she find a replacement or can she do it(leave the abuse) on her own? Does she have to capacity to do it on her own?
Here's the thing. When her family first found out about his affair and just how bad things were getting between them, they all advised her to seek help and offered their homes and assistance. Soon they realized that she chose neither, preferring instead to keep giving her husband a chance to change. Of course this never happened. Finally her family gave up too. Her kids are about 14 and 18. They told her that their dad will never change. The kids see things clearer than she does.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading up on Stockholm Syndrome. I half suspect that the abuse has become so much a part of her life, that she can't survive without it. It almost defines her.
Perhaps you can let her know that if she is ever actually ready to get help and be the parent that her children need her to be that you and your family would be happy to help her. Unfortunately it puts a strain on you and thus your marriage to see the position she puts them in by staying.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I'm more of a tough love type of parent/friend. They say God helps those who help themselves... and much like you cannot force an alcoholic into meaningful sobriety, you cannot make her leave until she's ready to accept that she has the ability to decide.
I think it's better to walk away - but don't close the door. Because the day will come when she finally opens her eyes and sees him for the vark he is and then she's going to need a good friend and all the support she can get. We can't help those who don't want to help themselves...
ReplyDelete@ Angie : I'm a firm believer in tough-love too. I grew up in a home which made me see things in either black or white. Without the luxury of rose-tinted glasses, my choices growing up were clinical and immediate. So when I try to be a friend to her but watch her continuosly go back for more abuse, I can't help but cut that umbilical chord.
ReplyDelete@ Azra : The problem with leaving that door open, or even slightly ajar. is that fear she'll try and pry it open further every chance she gets, without putting in the necessary effort to sort her life out. I really do believe that she's become addicted to emotional abuse.
Firstly, its the same poster of the first comment.
ReplyDeleteNow that i have read the comments, and reread the original post, i can say with almost certainty (altho i'm no psychologist, more like psycho) that there is no chance in hell that things will ever work out between them.
Habits are very difficult to break esp if developed over a long period.
Now he's even taken the liberty of having an affair so close to home.
He knows that she'l come running back, so he does it some more.
The quicker she gets away the better.
She's thinking, I'v lived with the man for so many years, what's am i going to do now?...he has to change Some time, it can't get worse(and it does, cos she goes back)
Only solution is for her to leave, there's no other option.