It's A Trap!

I'm too lazy to write anything tonight.
Just read the damn cartoon and be grateful already.



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Bloggers Anonymous

Hi. My name is Fareed and it's been 12 days since I last blogged.

Ok I'm going to sum this up as short and quick as I possibly could.

Here are the 10 things I realized since I last blogged, in no particular order.

#1 . God doesn't like me much. Why else would he send lightning to blow up my internet, DSTV and TV?
#2. God must be a woman. No male God would deny a guy his right to watch soccer on the weekend. (Refer to #1 above.)
#3. Neotel are brilliant at marketing their wireless internet.
#4. Neotel are not so brilliant at actually getting you connected to their wireless internet
#5. If you install a Lightning Protector on the plugs in your bedroom, lightning will strike every appliance in your lounge. If you move the Lightning Protector to the lounge, lightning will strike every appliance in your bedroom.
#6. If you install Lightning Protectors throughout your house, lightning will never strike within 5km of your home ever again, unless of course someone comes over to borrow your Lightning Protector... then expect that plugpoint and everything connected to it to be hit.
#7. God is not stupid. He's watching you. And he's watching where you put your Lightning Protector.
#8.  In the absence of TV, much reading and family bonding can be done.
#9. And much take-aways can be bought. Always be prepared for this eventuality by informing your mom and relatives about your "being hit by lightning" situation, so that they can invite you over for meals.
#10. Never take calls from family who want to complain about their having just been struck by lightning.

There you have it.
Next time you hear the rumbling thunder, read this post again and think of me!

Public Schools vs Private Schools

I read an interesting article today about the number of kids now studying at Private Schools as opposed to those at Public Schools. A massive 50% increase in those attending Private Schools between 2000 and 2009. I'm almost certain the 2010 and 2011 school year's saw that number increase.

The full article can be found here.
The most interesting bit of the article though was reading Zwelinzima Vavi from the Congress of SA Trade Unions calling the Private Schools "bastions of class inequality."
Is this not the same Zwelinzima Vavi who lives in this plush Morningside home?

                                

Looks like a classy bastion to me.

I'll admit there was a time not too long ago when I defended the Public School system and honestly felt that it still had tons of merit to it.

Then Government decided to step in and lower the standards across the board, and insisted that Universities lower their entry-requirements too. Suddenly our learners were studying to become Doctors, Lawyers, Engineers and Rocket-Scientists with matric standards that were so pathetic, you would think all they could hope to achieve was a life in Politics.
I guess we'll start seeing these learners filtering into the workforce in the next 3 to 5 years, when we may inexplicably have a sudden upsurge in the number of bridges collapsing, patients dying of toe-infections, life-sentences being handed out to jaywalkers and ultimately, rockets not making it out of backyards let alone out to space!

I hope I'm wrong, I seriously hope I am.
However, since I live with reality and not hope, I guess I'll keep sending my kid to a decent Private School with a rather high standard and a consistent 100% matric pass rate, comfortable in the knowledge that when she enters either the local workforce or decides to ply her trade internationally, she will have the confidence of knowing that she measures up to any standard.

I shudder to think that we build these kids hopes up by leading them into a false sense of academic achievement in secondary public schools, then dangle the carrot at tertiary institutions with lower-than-average  international standards, and when they travel abroad to compete in an open playing and paying field, they end up looking like dunces. I don't blame the learners. I blame Government who seem misguided in their attempts at churning out degrees and diplomas at any cost.

The Week That Was - January 16 2010

I heard the nastiest story earlier today. So nasty in fact, that as soon as I heard it I knew it belonged on the blog.

My cousin visited earlier, and with the rains of late it's been Pyjama Sunday on most weekends. So there we were chewing the fat and talking about the things guys talk about when they're chewing the fat, when suddenly he stopped me in the middle of my reasoning on why old people's fart smells worse than anyone else's.

This is his story.
They were on a fishing trip one weekend, arranged by his Uncle (the driver) and a friend of the Uncles (we'll call him Old Geezer.) The rest of the party included himself and three other friends of his. Old Geezer decided he needed to sleep through the journey, and sat in the back seat along with the three friends. My cousin sat upfront.

An hour into the trip and the driver hears this odd sound similar to sandpaper on wood. At 3 in the morning on a deserted country road, those sounds are amplified 100 times. He asks his passengers where the sound is coming from, and nobody could answer. Old Geezer seemed to be enjoying his slumber if his snoring was anything to go by.
The driver finally stops the car to investigate, as the sandpaper sound has now become rather annoying.
With 5 pairs of ears perked and listening intently, they follow the sound and suddenly realize it's coming from Old Geezer's crotch!
The dirty old fart had been scratching his groin while sleeping!
Nasty!

I spent my Saturday deleting numbers from my Blackberry that didn't belong in my contacts anymore.
Sure it's not a fun way to spend the weekend, but when your cleaning lady shares the same name as your ex, and you text the wrong one saying "Please come in early on Monday, there's plenty of dishes and ironing that I need you to sort out", you soon realize how important it is!

Lastly, my sister Aadilah gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on Thursday!
She is simply adorable, and from the looks of things she will continue the strong beauty gene which runs in our family. I wish mom, dad and niece all the best on their new journey.
That's two girls for them now. Third time lucky on the boy I say :)

The FA Cup 3rd Round Edition

Sunday January 09, 2011 and it's two of the giants of English football. Well to be honest really, it was more about one giant and another has-been.
For those who know me and visit my blog or follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you will know that I am without doubt the greatest fan of the greatest football team to ever have played the beautiful game. My religion is football and Old Trafford is the grandest church to bare testament to the glory that is Manchester United.

So match-day arrives and all I hear from the Scousers is how the arrival of Kenny Dalglish will signal a revival at that limping donkey called Liverpool. This past season I have been tempted on more than one occasion to show my compassion to humanity and the sporting fraternity by calling in the SPCA and have them do the humane thing. Put this donkey down once and for all.
The Scousers believed there was still some fight left and so we humored them.

                                          

The game had hardly begun and it was already over for the Liverpudians.
Berbatov fouled in the penalty area, and Giggs stepped up to take a sweet and sublime spot-kick.
Goal. 1-nil to the champions. United and the rest of the soccer-crazy world knew the writing was on the wall. Victory was inevitable as it's been for most of this season. Nay, for most of the last decade.
Needless to say, there were a few Scouser fans suffering from that Liverpudian terminal disease commonly referred to as "Short-Memory Syndrome" or as we call it, being thick.
One in particular challenged me on the Berbatov penalty and insisted that his man Torres would never dive, has never dived, and never will dive.
Now beside the fact that even the Liverpool commentator accepted and agreed that it was a legitimate penalty, this half-loaf chose to ignore the rules of football and blame Howard Webb the referee for being biased.
I shall leave the video evidence of Saint Torres The Non-Diver for my readers to make up their own minds.



This next video earned our Saint Torres The Non-Diver the dubious title of Worst Diver In World Cup History. (not my words; Google Torres Dive to find out how many others voted for him.)

Needless to say, Kenny Dalglish's housewarming gift to English Football management wasn't what he had expected.

This was a picture the Scouser faithful have become pretty used to this season.
Gone are the days when Gerrard was kissing cameras in joy. Today he can be found kissing trophys goodbye, kissing league glory goodbye, and after this weekend kissing the FA Cup goodbye.

So where does the future of Liverpool stand?
As I said this past weekend to my friend Swoosh, a league encounter without a strong Liverpool side in it is simply not the stuff kids dream about when they think of soccer. We need them around to liven up the game. I may chirp their supporters to the bitter end, but I will be the first to admit that they are and have always been worthy opponents. Some United fans have said they wait with glee for the day when Liverpool gets relegated. Personally I think that would be a sad day for football indeed. I hope they revive their fortunes and turn things around at that once great club.

As a true supporter and lover of the beautiful game, I would love nothing more than the rivalry between Manchester United and Liverpool to continue long after I am gone. It's something I can tell my kids and grandkids about, and they will carry on the proud history and tradition of being die-hard United supporters eager for that match-day challenge again.

To the Liverpool fans, may your team live long enough to always be runners-up and watch us lift trophys every season.
To my fellow United fans, Glory Glory Man United!!!
The Red Army marches on.......

First The Birds, Then The Fish!

 So New Years Eve in the town of Beebe in Arkansas saw about 5000 red-winged blackbirds mysteriously fall out of the sky! Nobody knows why or what the cause was, except to say that all the birds had suffered physical trauma.
Now here's my question : These birds fell out of the sky. They encountered physical trauma while flying. There were no reports of planes or helicopters in the area. Can you spell U.F.O ?
You can read the full article here .

But wait, it get's weirder.
The very next day, 100 000 fish were found dead in the Arkansas River, just 125 miles away from the town of Beebe.
Authorities don't believe the two incidents are related. Of course they wouldn't.
Fish belong in the water, birds belong in the sky.
The fact that birds eat fish is inconsequential. The scientists in Arkansas don't seem too bright, since they haven't yet made this link. Also, I don't think CSI shows on any network in Beebe.
Didn't the Ghostbusters come from Arkansas?

All I'm saying is, we're fast running out of species lower down on the food chain to eat.
If only they made a vegetarian meal that tasted like a big fat juicy beef burger.

Lesley Hazelton : On Reading The Koran

An eye-opener indeed.
Well worth the watch. At best it would inspire you to enlighten yourself further, at worst it would dispel some common myths and inaccuracies.

The Human Doilie

If there were a competition for the best caption for this photograph, I'm almost certain something along the lines of Willy Warmer or Tollie Doilie would win it.

Seriously, what were they thinking?

The Spur Fordsburg Horror Show

Most of the posts on my blog are usually fun, crazy, fictional tales, very similar to time spent with a heroin addict who can't stop talking about his "trip".
On the odd occasion though, I do write a post which actually means something and has a very serious message to it.
Tonight's post has a very clear and distinct message.

That message is, quite simply: Spur Fordsburg, you disappoint me greatly and I shall never again eat at your establishment until you publish a full apology.
Not to me, but to your staff and waiters who you obviously have no respect for.

No, this is not a rant about shoddy service or a hair in my food.
This is a rant about management locking a staff member up in the freezer because he made a mistake of some sorts.
Yes, you did read correctly.
Spur Fordsburg locked a staff member up in the freezer because he made a mistake of some sort.

This isn't a rumour. This isn't some urban myth I read about on an open forum or a social networking site. This is something I was made aware of by my a waitress during my dinner at the restaurant tonight. I knew something was amiss when I saw ALL the staff downing aprons and walking out in a huff, except for the management. I asked the waitress what was going on, and she told me that a fellow colleague was currently locked up in the freezer, and management refused to let him out.

Now frankly I don't care what his transgression was, but there is absolutely no valid reason in this day and age to lock a human being up in the freezer of your restaurant, not for any length of time!

This isn't the 60's and 70's Spur Fordsburg!
As a regular patron, I shall hereforth boycott your establishment as a tiny token of my disgust at your management style, just like I and many others boycotted Wimpy Fordsburg after learning from a waitress that management withheld their tips and didn't pay it over to the staff.

What is it with these establishments in Fordsburg? I don't want to generalise, but if you're going to trangress the laws and disrespect your staff, you can expect to be exposed and boycotted.

Shame on you.
With your flashy cars and fancy holidays, while your staff toil through public holidays and late nights.
Shame on you for not protecting them. Shame on you for being disgusting human beings.
Shame on you Spur Fordsburg!