Dear Sirs / Madam (Does Helen Zille still work there?)
I write this letter on behalf of the entire country, and even some people outside of our country.
OK not so much our neighbors to the north, because as we all know they get their electricity from you, and it's cheaper nogal. (I'll come back to this point later)
As a tax-paying member of society who has never toyi-toyi'd (clearly, I don't even know how to spell it) against my government and have always been a law-abiding citizen, except for that one time but that bitch had it coming to her and she didn't even know the true value of Hydroponic Zol before she flushed it down the toilet....but other than that, I've been the poster-boy for an exemplary citizen... I write this letter to you with a heavy heart and some serious concerns.
I came home earlier today to find that I was neither able to enter my property nor my garage since my electricity had been interrupted and I was forced to jump my own electric fence, which in a cruel twist of fate, was also off due to the same matter I am now bringing to you attention.
I overlooked this fact thinking that a warm plate of mutton biryani with a soji side-dish would warm my cockles and make me forget my despair, but alas my microwave does not run on gas.
The Lord teaches us to turn the other cheek and I did that today on numerous occasions, but the final straw was walking into my lounge and seeing the air-filter to my fish tank not in operation!
This is an abomination I cannot and I will not stand for, Sir.
Punish me if you must. Punish the nation if you must.
But my fish did you no wrong!
If you prick them, do they not bleed?
If you tickle them, do they not laugh their cute fish laugh?
If you poison them, do they not die?
If you wrong them, do they not seek revenge? Well not them per say, but their bigger cousins who live in the oceans and are commonly referred to as 'Sharks'.
Karma is a terrible thing Sir.
Today you cut my power. Tomorrow your arse gets bitten by a great white shark, and you're left holding what's left of your bollocks in your hands asking yourself "Why me?"
Is it because my fish are not black enough Sir?
Is it because their BEE status does not qualify them to swim with the guppies?
I once had a TV Licence inspector come into my home and refer to my fish as "Bloody Agents". The nerve of that bastard! My fish and I are tired of these white tendencies Sir, and we demand answers.
This is a humble appeal from me to you, asking that you please not load-shed or interrupt my power or whatever other fancy term you assign to the incompetence so inherent in your company.
As I mentioned earlier, our neighbors to the north have no interruption to the cheaper power you supply them, yet we, your constituency, have to suffer the consequences of your lack of planning. This is unacceptable.
Am I to assume that it would be beneficial to me and others in my position, to start buying power from Zimbabwe and Mozambique, which I could possibly get cheaper? I honestly would if I could find an extension chord that's 650km long and wouldn't be stolen for it's copper somewhere along the way. This is the dilemma that I face.
I have never considered myself to be a social activist, but the recent attitude of your company and that of the other bastion of evil we know better as Nestle' have led me to become a crusader for the voiceless, and powerless (literally) and those void of Hot Chocolate.
Those nepotistic arrogant bastards at Nestle' are paying the price for their folly, and my open letter to them is proof that a just man, fighting a just cause, with true conviction,
I don't want the tone of this letter to sound threatening.
I just need you to know that I know people.
People who have big Russian pliers.
People with bolt-cutters.
People who like copper.
People who aren't afraid to walk around in public with spiky hair.
I'm willing to make this deal with you, Sir.
If you promise not to interrupt my electricity supply ever again, I promise to remove that cable I hooked up to the street lights outside to power my big screen TV.
I eagerly await your response.
Power to the people.