|From my favourite satirical news website.|
If you're not following www.hayibo.com , you're not on the internet!
June 2010 | Issue 5
We were going to start this with a World Cup joke but there are just so many to choose from: France, Italy, England...
Meanwhile Rear Admiral Field Marshal Bheki Cele says the fan who wandered into the England dressing room was in cahoots with a British journalist hell-bent on embarrassing South Africa. We at Hayibo are taking Cele's story very serious because when it comes to embarrassing South Africa, he's an expert.
Besides, we're also not that into journalists this week after our awesome FEEFA 2.010 WHIRLED CUP t-shirt got rave reviews in an article on News24 and The Sunday Times. Our best publicity ever! Instant riches! Just a pity the journalist forgot to mention Hayibo or our shop. The final count? Two million people read about our t-shirt, one person bought it. We promise not to spend the cash all in one place... The good news is that there are still a few left over for you to snap up before the end of the World Cup next week.
Of course, life goes on beyond the World Cup. Or not, if you're off to become a man at an initiation school. Good luck, boys, you're going to need it. And Doctor, remember to hold the blade away from you. No, away from you, Doctor. No, that's towards you, just...No, Doctor, that's a butter knife. And no, Doctor, Klipdrift is not an anaesthetic. Oh, I see it's for you...
But now let's bid the losers bonjour, ciao and cheers, salute the General as he goose-steps into Cloudcuckooland, and reach for our cleanest scalpels as we do what we do best: breaking the news – and Euro-weenie hearts – into lots of little pieces.
First up, Wazza is drying his tears.
|Happy Rooney arrives home just in time for new season of Top Gear|
A fatigued and disillusioned Wayne Rooney was granted a small amount of solace yesterday when he returned to his home in Cheshire to discover that his wife, Coleen Rooney, had remembered to tape last Sunday’s broadcast of popular motoring magazine show, Top Gear.
Meanwhile, in 15th Century Switzerland...
|FIFA rejects goal-line technology, warns of soul-capturing devices|
FIFA has once again refused to discuss goal-line technology, describing cameras and video replays as the work of the devil. “You say camera, we say soul-capturing device,” said a spokesman this morning, explaining that any technology not based on cuckoo-clocks or fermenting Swiss cheese was “diabolical”.
Sepp has fessed up, but then we always suspected this, didn't we?
|Blatter admits his balls are misshapen, makes scoring difficult|
FIFA chief Sepp Blatter has admitted that his balls are misshapen, which makes scoring extremely difficult. “It’s embarrassing, especially when your misshapen balls are being viewed by a global audience,” said Blatter. He added that FIFA had handled the balls of dozens of manufacturers before the tournament, and all had felt absolutely normal.
Get busy livin' or get busy begging for parole...
|No black friends for Hani killer means no Shawshank Redemption|
Chris Hani killer, Clive Derby-Lewis, looks set to spend the rest of his life in jail after SACP Secretary General Blade Nzimande attended his parole hearing on Wednesday to give reasons why it should be denied. Parole was Derby-Lewis’ final hope of seeing the outside of a cell after earlier plans to tunnel out were scuppered by the conservative’s fear of being mistaken for a miner.
Zut alors! You call zis an hairliner?
|French team’s flight home “a disgrace”|
The French football team’s flight back to Paris yesterday was marked by “several incidents of insubordination and a shocking lack of professionalism,” insiders on the coaching staff reported, adding: “that’s the last time we fly SAA economy”. Coach Raymond Domenech, meanwhile, spent the flight sulking in the toilet after refusing to sit next to a passenger who he claimed had called his momma fat back in 1983.