This is a true story.
Not that any of my other posts aren't; it's just that this is more true than the other true posts.
So I was sitting in traffic on Friday afternoon, heading toward the East Rand in what could potentially have been a very frustrating bumper-to-bumper excursion; except I had my "Best Of African Jazz" CD to keep me company, and nothing was going to get me "bovvered".
My mobile rang and woke me out of my karaoke fantasy, and it was a family member I'd been avoiding for a few weeks now.
Oh don't be shrugging your shoulder's at me! You know you have one too!
You know the one i'm speaking of... calling to bitch and moan about the rest of the family, or calling to brag about their latest brainless bling purchase, or that bottom-feeder that shares your DNA and only ever calls when they need money.
I'm not saying which category this family member falls in.
So I hid my wallet under the seat, bit my tongue, and answered the call.
"Where are you?" he asked.
"Oh... I'm in Pretoria", I lied.
"Really? So who's driving your car in front of me?" he asked.
I hate personalised number-plates.
So I inched myself lower into my seat, pretended like I was a Ghetto gangster, and cut the call.
Nothing I could have said was going to get me out of the hole I'd dug.
I hate when that happens.
I hate when you're being all sincere in your white-lie and some fool thinks you're full of crap just because they caught you out.
We all do it at some point.
When the cellphone company calls you, or the bank, or Edgars, or that pond-scum that calls themselves SABC TV Licence.
I have no problem lying to any one of these.
I've even gone as far as answering the phone only to find out it's one of them, and proceeded to tell them "Mr Kaloo is in a meeting and i'll get him to call you when he's done."
Unfortunately this doesn't work when it's a family member.
They have this really annoying knack of knowing your voice.
Oh trust me i've tried.
I've tried telling them it's really not me on the phone. I've tried telling them it's the PA.
Then they get all adamant and say silly things like "I'll tell your mom, you pathetic person! I know it's you!"
Why do they have to get all personal?
Can't they just say "Ok, please ask him to call me when he's done with his kidney operation."
That's so much more polite. Really.
Then I have to endure meeting them at family functions, and pretending like it's been ages since we last met and why haven't they called!
I always blame the phone when they say they've left messages for me... and ask why I didn't return the call.
"Really? When did you call? This damn phone has been giving me problems since I got it!"
"I called last week and your PA said you were out of town. He sounds just like you."
And they always say it with that really annoying condescending voice, almost as though they believe they've caught you out lying.
Ok, i'm off to watch SAW3 again on the telly.
If anyone calls, my PA will take a message for me.