Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Africa Aint For Sissies!

This piece was supposed to have been titled “I’ll take What’s A Smash & Grab For $500”, but all those hyphens and inverted comas and apostrophes apparently cant be saved as part of a Word Document title.
Go figure.

Anyways, it was about 7pm this past Tuesday when I suddenly had this fowl craving for chicken, and decided that Nando’s would be just what the good doctor ordered. I bundled baby and missus into the back of the minivan, and headed toward the Holy Grail of Chicken Lovers. I pulled up at the Corlett Drive offramp, which is always darker than the mensroom at Pollsmoor Prison during an Eskom blackout, and just as scary! Not that I’ve been to Pollsmoor Prison, fully lit or during a blackout; but I did read Nelson Mandela’s “Long Walk To Freedom” and it made me realise why Immodium was the best selling medication at the in-house pharmacy. Nobody wanted to go to the mensroom, not alone, not in pairs, not for anything! But that’s a whole ‘nother story.

So there we are, at Corlett Drive offramp, which sounds so glamorous foreigners reading this may think its Joburg’s version of Rodeo Drive. If that’s what you’re picturing right now, go with it. Just remove the bright lights, the fancy cars, the branded stores, the rich-and-famous, and replace with darkness, scumbags, and the ever present lingering scent of “Filth & Fear”.
There’s our Rodeo Drive right there.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a police vehicle drove by! I mean it was so sudden and shockingly unexpected, I totally didn’t notice the scumbag nearing the passenger window. Luckily for me, I spotted him just as he was about to smash my back window and make off with my baby’s bag.
With only three thoughts in my mind:
1) The safety of my baby
2) The safety of the missus
3) The replacement cost of Nappies these days…
I flew into a furious rage and began jerking the car back and forth in an attempt to scare him off. He looked bewildered at first, or maybe that’s the only facial expression Scumbag has, but he soon realised his number was up and he wasn’t going to get away with anything on this particular night. Out of pure frustration, he flung the spark-plug he was armed with through the front passenger window, and ran like hell.

Both baby and missus were a little shaken, but not stirred. They’re doing just fine now.On the plus side, I finally got my 69’ Volksie started thanks to Scumbags donation of a working spark-plug.
All’s well that ends well, I say.

Welcome to Africa. Don’t feed the animals.