Monday, May 10, 2010

Valentines Day : A Guys Perspective

Valentines Day : A Guys Perspective – by Fareed KalooIt’s that time of year again lads, when the male species gets divided into three distinct groups. I’ll make this as simple and clear as I possibly can, since I know that we don’t do complex filtering systems, unless it’s under the bonnet of our cars. You’ll know which of the three groups you fit in, as every man since Valentines Day was first proclaimed surely did.

The first group are The Lambs. Young, testosterone filled, newly-in-love and possibly never-been-kissed teenagers who just can’t wait for Valentines Day to swing around so they can shower their girlfriends with the cheap shiny trinkets they overpaid for at the local flea-market. They’re easily spotted and every salesman’s ideal customer. They walk into the store with no inkling of an idea as to what they’re going to buy their loved ones, and walk out with most of last year’s dead-stock and some of this years overpriced items. It’s this group that feeds the capitalist system of business and industry and justifies the introduction of newer sentimental occasion days each year. Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Family Day, Youth Day, Red Nose Day, GroundHog Day (ok, that last one I’m not so sure about.)

The second group are The Bucks. These guys are moving up the ladder. They know what they want in life, they know how they’re going to achieve it, but they still have no idea how to shop for women. They plan 2 weeks in advance for the big day, and the morning of Valentines Day they dash off to the nearest jewellery store and buy anything gold in colour; they do, however, know the meaning of Cubic Zirconia, unlike their younger cousins The Lambs. Carat’s are not a high priority. In fact, they approach carat’s with the same view as they do their golf handicaps: The lower, the better. It’s one of the reasons why The Bucks change girlfriends as often as they do. There’s really only so many Cubic Zirconia stud earrings a girl can have before she starts getting jealous of her friends real diamonds. That’s where the saying comes from: Diamonds are on a girls best friend.

This brings us to the last group, The Bulls.

Now these guys have been around the block and there’s no messing about here. They’ve been through every previous stage, they’ve mastered their craft, and now know exactly what’s required of them come Valentine’s Day. They are fully prepared to buy absolutely nothing, and do absolutely nothing, since that is what’s expected of them. No jewellery, no flowers, no fancy restaurants, and certainly no lingerie and perfume. Jewellery would be the wrong taste. Perfume would be the wrong smell. Goodness help you if you decided to buy lingerie, because getting the wrong size is simply unforgiveable! As for long-stemmed roses or anything of the sort, that’s simply suicide! You come home with flowers one day, butterflies and romance in the air, thinking you’re doing it on impulse and oh how great it is to surprise her. First thing she's doing is calling her girlfriends and telling them to send the word out on the street that her man-beef has been checking out some other bulls prime rib.

That’s why my philosophy on Valentines Day is as it’s always been.

I don’t fall for the money-making gimmick and I’m not going to make some Chinese sweatshop owner rich by buying his cheap teddybears and trinkets.

I’m having a nice candle-lit dinner at home, courtesy of Eskom, some Luther Vandross playing in the background, a delicious Woolies meal spread out.

You see, in my home, every day is Valentine’s Day.