Saturday, May 15, 2010


It was a dark and stormy night.
Outside, an eerie calmness had enveloped the place, like giant snow-petals in an old black-and-white movie.
The thunder and lightning, while deafening and violent, all seemed to play out inside my head. Its one thing to avoid the storm when you're outside, at the mercy of the elements; completely another to avoid when the storm is within you.

So it was that I found myself seeking shelter from myself; a destructive force seeking shelter from the destruction. I remember my karate sensei once telling me that mans greatest enemy lies within, a heartbeat away from Gods angels. I always thought it was all the dope he smoked that made him talk crazy. Years later I literally bumped into him as he staggered out of a popular sports bar. He said the greatest enemy had won that battle.
We spoke until just before sunrise on that Sunday morning. It just wouldnt have felt right telling people that I had watched the sunrise with a drunken senei. It would be like Karate Kid meets Brokeback Mountain.
Somewhere between the Jack Daniels and Smirnoff monologues, I heard a bit of Rumi. Not much, but enough to make me smile at this odd threesome of bedfellows.

I asked him what he had meant when he once told me about mans greatest enemy and Gods angels. I couldnt imagine two more polarised beings living a heartbeat away.
He told me to recall from experience or movie, a time of immense heartbreak and anguish. An emotional break-up, the death of a loved one, anything that would cause absolute grief.
I mentioned an earlier break-up.
The first emotion I experienced was anger. An almost uncontrollable state of anger. Wave upon wave of frothing anger.
Two days later, the object of my desire and I had made up.
The feeling of love and contentment I basked in at the moment of the make-up was so intense, you could have launched a Space Shuttle from my arse. An odd metaphor, but you get the essence of the emotion.
I got the point he was making.

Tonight I pondered that sunrise, and all that transpired from it.
I contemplated a lengthy note about everything and anything, a cleansing ritual that would expunge the demons and angels at war inside of me.

Then my ipod plays this song.
And captures all I want to say.
Waves of emotion carry me along.
And takes my breath away.

"I cant stand to fly
Im not that naive
Im just out to find
The better part of me

Im more than a bird...Im more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
Its not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Ill never see

It may sound absurd...but dont be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wont you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Its not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me
Its all can all sleep sound tonight
Im not crazy...or anything...

I cant stand to fly
Im not that naive
Men werent meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

Im only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me

Im only a man
In a funny red sheet
Im only a man
Looking for a dream

Im only a man
In a funny red sheet
And its not easy, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm...

Its not easy to be me"

by Five For Fighting