Thursday, May 13, 2010

Things That Make Me Go AAARRGGHH!!

If I really put my mind to it, this note could turn into a novel.
So i'll keep it brief.
Being a Monday, and seeing that the beginning of the week always leaves me with plenty to vent about, im not even going to mention the usual suspects: Telkom, Licencing Departments and Metro Police.

When your day starts with a 6am call from some moronic tele-sales retard telling you that you've just been randomly selected from 68 million people in the country to win a shiny new Porsche, while she casually flips through a mountain of every copy of Telkom telephone directories ever printed, you know you're off to a blistering start. I especially love how peppy they sound at that ungodly hour!
Oh to be chosen from 68 million people!
How lucky can one guy still wearing his snoopy pyjama's, whilst contemplating having cocoa pops with water coz the milk is finished, really get?
So I get out of bed, put my mobile on speaker phone, and proceed to brush my teeth and go through the rest of my very audible morning routine, all while said moronic telewaawaa drones on and on about the tiny little details they require from me before I can realise my luck and they can deliver my win.
So halfway through a gargle and flush cycle, I interrupt her to ask "Ok.. lemme get this straight. I get a shiny new Porsche, and all I have to do is buy some crappy timeshare I wouldnt send my neighbours dog to, and some non-stick stainless steel pots I could get for a quarter of the price at Makro?"
Sounds like a fair deal to me.
Of course by this point im now fully awake, and already sipping on my first of many Rooibos tea's for the day.
Im alert.
Sharp as a tack.
All brain cells fired up and revving to go.
Ready to take on the slickest of salespeople, and still walk away with my wallet intact.
So I slam the phone down.
Of course she phones back, thinking we got cut off.
She's a moron, remember.

You ever hear a voice so annoying, it makes you want to punch the lil kids crossing the road dragging their Superman and Spiderman schoolbags behind them?
Me neither.
Moving on.

So it turns out they got my name from a "survey" I had taken, unknown to me, some months back.
I asked where the survey was taken.
She says at a shopping mall.
I say my religion doesnt allow me to go to shopping malls. (tsk tsk.. i always love the pause after i give them this line)
She says she's not sure where exactly it was.
I say my previous girlfriend worked for a company that did surveys, and committed suicide from the stress. Hence, I dont take part in surveys, out of respect for the dearly departed.
She waits nervously for me to giggle. I dont.
She apologises for my loss, and stammers something about the Porsche.
Finally I tell her that im surprised to have won a car, especially after my licence was revoked for drunk driving and joy riding with the wonderful kids from Bible-Study that fateful Sunday afternoon, and im not even Christian! "Imagine that!", I tell her.
Her long silence told me that her training had'nt prepared her well enough for Fareed Kaloo.
It's when I asked for her private number that the phone line went dead.
Im still not sure if we just got cut off, or if she slammed the phone down on me?

I arrive at my building site (being a contractor, for those that did'nt know) at around 9am.
The scene is straight out of "National Geographic MegaStructures".
Tons of rubble to the left.
Zinc toolsheds and structures to the right.
Behind me, my clients constructive declaration to the world that he's not impotent; 12 foot water-feature and all!
Grinding its way around the only bend, on the only road, on the only side of the lake where any construction in any form is taking place, on the only Golf Estate in the town, is a 6 ton truck heading my way with an already overdue delivery of bricks.
Moron-school must be on summer break, and all its learners must think im giving out free ice-cream today!
Mr Driver pulls up next to me, rolls down his window, and asks "Are these bricks for you?", as he wipes his sweaty forehead onto an already filthy shirt sleeve.
"No. Didnt your office call you? I changed my mind. We're using cardboard instead."
At least his passenger had a sense of humour.

At 1pm my team broke for lunch, and I headed to the nearest KFC to buy them lunch.
I pulled up at the drive-thru window, thinking it would be infinitely quicker and less painful an experience.
"15 Burger Meals, all with cokes please."
"To go?" she asks?
"No, I always take the drive-thru when I intend sitting inside. Must be the scenery that helps me work up an appetite." Some days, I hold back on the barbed rhetoric. Other days, its just too easy.

At 5pm I begin my solitary journey home.
This is "me" time.
Man, Machine, and 5fm with DJ Fresh for company.
It's kick back time and I while away the minutes until I get home to Princess Sabreen with "The Afternoon Drive"... my highlight being the callers phoning in with whatevers on their minds.
Like the guy who called in today to say how blessed he must be, for not getting caught canoodling with his girlfriends best friend on the weekend.
So he got away with it.
And he feels supremely lucky (and blessed too!)..
And what better way to rejoice in his stroke of luck...
Than to announce it on national radio?
Do these morons really believe that nobody could make out their voices on radio?
And even if his girlfriend were'nt listening, surey at least one friend of hers is?

Sometimes I wonder if people really are that dumb, or is it just an act?
Like George Bush.
Ok, bad example.

Well im home now, and it's a comforting thought to know that come the morning, todays morons will seem like tomorrows geniuses.
There's always something to make me laugh; always a reason to unleash my acidic sarcasm; and always the memories of the day to reflect on and make me go AARRGHH all over again.