I've started the New Year with a single resolution, unlike last year where I began with five, and by the end of the first 2 weeks I had decided on about 20, and before the year was up i'd achieved none of them.
So this year my resolution is simple : Achieve Nothing!
Every other year i've raised the bar, aimed for the stars, set my goals way up high, and only managed to trip over my shoelaces before I even got off the starting block. This time around, im not raising the bar at all. Im not even going to lift the bar off the floor. Im going to leave the bar right there where it lays.
Im not aiming for any stars. Im pointing my arrow at my small toe.
Im not setting any goals. Im taking the ball, im turning around, im facing my own nets, and im planning to score an own goal.
You see, the way I figure, in approximately 15 years of having set New Years resolutions, i've managed to accomplish a total of maybe 4. I know theyre 4 because I remember them as being the only one's i'd ever accomplished.
In no particular order, they were : 1) Learn to sing the national anthem by the time you reach 30. I dont have to understand it, I just have to be able to sing it. 2) Take part in a marathon. I didnt have to be a runner. Waterboys are an integral part of marathons too. 3) Read and understand Macbeth. Im still not 100% sure why Romeo had to die, but hey, I didnt write the book, I just had to read and understand it. 4) Learn a foreign language. This last one was the trickiest, but im glad to say that within 2 years of marriage, i'd fully grasped a new language. A couple of words learnt when I forgot to take the garbage out the night before we had guests for dinner; a couple of words learnt the day I watched the FA Cup Final while the missus was cooking lunch for all my mates who came over for the day; a few choice phrases learnt when i'd forgotten her birthday. You'd be amazed how fast and easy a foreign language is when you just apply your mind to it and put in some effort.
Anyways, back to my resolution this year.Im aiming for the bare minimum. Im hoping to hit Ground Zero from the floor up. Im planning on staying on the starting block long after the gun has gone and the last spectator has left the stadium. See, the way I figure, if I start the year with absolutely no plans of achieving anything, and I actually do manage to achieve something, I'd be doing pretty good for myself.
So heres to 2008, a year filled with disappointment and futility!May the days and months ahead be all I hoped it wouldnt be!May this be the year when I aim for nothing, and get it!And to all those out there who plan to light up the skies and aim for the stars this year, I wish you fatty thighs and muscular ears!